I started a new hobby.

Gawd I hate, hate, HATE that Etsy commercial where a girl is looking through a display of mini personalized license plates, and is disappointed that she can’t find one with her name on it, and then off camera, the sales guy asks, “What was the name again?” and the girl says, “Shiori.” The sales guy then says in this exasperated and incredulous tone (probably because he’s a racist), “What?!” as if she had asked him to give himself a sand enema and then fart it out into an ant hill while screaming, “Oh no! It’s a sandstorm!”

Ugh, I hate that last part the most because it’s so overly done it’s cringey. And of course Shiori is dejected, and then I don’t know what happens after that because the five-second countdown before the “Skip” button is activated on YouTube has reached zero and I have clicked on it like I was the Usaine Bolt of mouse-clicking.

Is it a bit crass? Yes, but I have to say, I’m a big fan of the tongue-in-cheekiness. In fact, I think that’s what I want printed on the front page of my funeral program, along with a picture of me photoshopped to look like I’m swimming in macaroni and cheese because that’s my heaven.

In today’s installment of Poorly-Worded Headlines, let’s take a look at this gem of a link by The Guardian:

Uhh…isn’t the decrease in carbon emissions a good thing? So what’s up with using the word “drastic” to describe this phenomenon? “Drastic” has negative connotations, and if you weren’t aware of global warming and the devastating effects it has on the environment, you’d read this link description and think, “Oh no…a dip in carbon emissions must be a bad thing!”

And I’m guessing someone over at The Guardian must have realized this as well because the actual title of the article is this:

I see someone found their thesaurus. It was probably in a trash fire that conveniently burned away neutral words like “significant” and “substantial.”

Another post about a headline because I’m too lazy to blog from my laptop nowadays, and just do it on my phone.

Here’s the very first paragraph:

President Vladimir Putin spoke of how Russians are “invincible” when they stand together as he marked the 75th anniversary of the end of World War Two in a commemoration that was significantly scaled back due to the coronavirus.

Now, I’m not a speechwriter by any means, but I don’t think the word “invincible” was the best word to use at an event that had to be scaled back because your country’s citizens were getting sick and dying at alarming rates, thereby resulting in headlines like this:

Perhaps he actually meant “invisible” because by standing together, you end up violating social distancing measures, contracting the ‘rona, and dying–A.K.A. going invisible.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

What the hell is up with this f*cked up article, People?

Of all the things this man has done, THAT’S what you chose to focus on? The incident that completely ended his career and left him brain damaged? You have the word “illusionist” in the title, so it’s not like you guys weren’t aware that he did more than just get mauled by tiger. Geezus. You might as well have used the headline, “Roy’s Dead. Tiger King! Tiger King! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEE!!!”

Gross.