I watched Blade Trinity last week, and I learned something that day: most modern-day vampires are Asian. I am guessing it is because vampires feel the dire need to utilize the Asian man’s martial arts knowledge, despite the fact that vampires are historically imbued with supernatural powers. But I guess being able to turn into a bat is hardly comparable to the ability to do the Praying Mantis.

You know the Asian stereotype is getting overblown and over-depended upon when even vampire movies are getting in on the act.

The phenomenon that is Self-Deprecating Humor…

Self-Deprecating Humor is like the multi-purpose answer to every question related to social interaction:

…How do I get this person to leave me alone?

…How do I get my boyfriend to pay me back?

…How do I tell this person they stink without hurting their feelings?

And the answer to all of these seemingly difficult questions is to answer truthfully, but hide all ulterior motives with a negative comment about yourself!

Example #1:

You are trying to let your roommate know that you don’t appreciate her leaving doodoo stains in the toilet bowl…

YOU SAY: Hey roommie, I think we need to start scrubbing the toilet because my syphilis germs are always sloshing around!

Example #2:

You don’t want to date your best friend…

YOU SAY: I wouldn’t make a good girlfriend…I mean, I complain all the time and all…plus I have syphilis.

Example #3:

You want to get out of your neighbor’s BBQ party…

YOU SAY: I can’t go…I have to get treated for my syphilis.

See? Through the blur left by the self-deprecating statements, no one can tell that you are trying to fulfill a purely selfish purpose! Everyone just thinks you are doing something for their benefit! Those idiots…

And yes, I have tried it before…not necessarily the syphilis excuse though. I would prefer to use vaginal warts, thank you very much.

You know what…

He should change his name to “Dats Not Funny.”

That’s really all I have for today.

I took a laxative today…

Don’t ask me why…you should know why…

It was the worst decision I have ever made.

Imagine it the way I’m experiencing it: you take two tiny pieces of chocolate two hours before lunch. You eat, clean your apartment, and then find yourself going to the bathroom. It is painless, and you feel as if your insides are clean. You take two more little pieces, as the directions advise, and expect that the rest of your day will pass by comfortably.

You go to Costco and eat the samples from various vendors: a piece of Hot Pocket here, a snip of meatball there, and finish it off with four Pringles potato chips. You barely make it home before your stomach swells with noxious gas.

Run to the toilet! Run! Run! Run! You sit and wait for instant relief but find to your absolute horror that NOTHING COMES OUT! NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING!

You shrivel in a ball and cry into a towel, “Why me! Why me!”

The nausea and cramping subsides after you let out some wet farts…and then you go and have dinner…and two Peptol Bismol tablets.

Two hours later, mild cramping starts to build as your stomach becomes a battle field for the war between Ex-Lax and Peptol Bismol.

You will run into the bathroom again, and having nothing come out, you realize your life sucks.

So is the story of my experience with Ex-Lax.