I. You Hang a Pair of Balls Off the Back of Your Car
I stayed at a hotel during the bar exam so I didn’t have to commute to and from the testing center. One day, as I was returning to my room after another grueling day of staring blankly at a bunch of questions I didn’t know the answers to, I noticed a truck parked in the hotel parking lot. I usually don’t pay any attention to cars, but this one refused to go unnoticed.
First of all, it was covered in decal stickers: there was a “TAPOUT” sticker in one corner of the rear cab window, and in the other corner there was one of those decals that make it look like a baseball is smashed in the window. There were fake bullet holes on the driver’s-side door, and a “Los Angeles Clippers” decal, two “KROQ” stickers, and a bunch of other stuff stuck on the back of the truck.
And, as if it weren’t enough of a hot mess, hanging down from the back of the truck was a pair of “Truck Nutz”—yes, fake balls made for cars.
Seeing those “Truck Nutz” led to a sudden revelation: Oh! Now I get it! The truck owner is totally manly! After all, only the manliest of men would cover every inch of his ride with meaty decals—but this man was clearly manlier than that because he actually paid money to purchase the pair of rubber testicles he was now proudly displaying off the back of his truck. This guy wasn’t just plain ol’ manly—he was super manly!
…Or so the truck owner probably wanted us all to believe. Unfortunately, however, the only message I got from looking at his fug-on-wheels was that the owner was a Douche-tastic Douche who didn’t want anyone to find out that his penis and balls were swallowed up by his cavernous vagina.
I know…my taco-shell-drawing skills need work.
Sorry, but when you turn your car into your second penis, it makes the rest of us wonder what happened to your first one. I think most people would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you still had a dong—albeit a shamefully small one. The rest of us, however, would take your overly-manly car and its sad pair of “Truck Nutz” as a sign that your penis committed suicide by using one of your pubes as a noose to prevent the blood from circulating to it, thus allowing it to shrivel up and die before your Douche-tastic antics could shame it any further.
The moral of the story: putting testicles on your car not only makes us question the existence of your penis—it also makes you look like a Douche-tastic Douche!
II. You Send Mass Messages About Your Personal Xanga Drama
Mass messaging was on my first post about Douche-tastic Douchiness, and it’s unfortunately making an appearance on this list even though I know I’m committing a cardinal sin by calling any of my beloved fellow Xangans out for being douchie. Just keep in mind that I typed this part up with a heavy heart, and that it’s not meant to be taken personally.
This time, the mass messaging I’m talking about is specifically limited to those involving Xangan versus Xangan drama. Xangan A gets into a blog war with Xangan B, and the two of them battle it out through their posts—a few of which end up on the “Explore” page (nice!). Then B sends a mass message to everyone on his “Friends” list, telling them about the drama he is embroiled in, and asking them to somehow help him in the fight against A.
I’m not saying that having Xanga drama makes a person douchie. The purpose of blogging is, after all, to share your ideas with others. And inevitably, not everyone is going to agree with you—some may even end up hating you for whatever it was that you said—but that’s how the dissemination of ideas works.
Such drama only becomes douchie when you try to bring in an uninvolved Xangan—i.e., a Xangan whom you’ve never otherwise messaged or conversed with, and is outside of your close group of Xanga friends. Yes, even in a world that’s made up of text and avatars, it’s still possible to form cliques and groups.
When Xangan B starts mass messaging Xangans outside his clique or group, he starts looking like a Douche-tastic Douche who wants to win the blogging battle without actually fighting it himself. And it’s even worse if B’s got a history of getting into blog battles with various other Xangans. After awhile, people start wondering if B’s just purposely getting into drama so he can get attention. Hey, I’m all for getting on the “Explore” list, but I think there are less douchie (and less inbox clutter-some) ways to do it.
Everyone is susceptible to Xanga drama, but using a mass message to get outside people involved in your own blogging battles makes you a Douche-tastic Douche.
III. You are Criss Angel
I hate you.
IV. Your “+Race/Ethnicity” Screen Name is Kind of…Off
This isn’t really Douche-tastically Douchie, but it could be depending on the situation.
The “+Race/Ethnicity” screen name is one that has the user’s race or ethnicity in it. There are only so many ways you can define yourself online, and one way is to include your race or ethnicity in your screen name. Also, adding your race or ethnicity sometimes helps when the screen name you originally wanted is already taken, or is one that is so common that you’d have to put a long string of numbers at the end just so you could use it.
Most words can be combined with a race or ethnicity without any problems, but some combinations can result in screen names that look kind of…off.
Case in point: I once read a board posting written by someone with the screen name “AznKiller.” Yes, as in “Asian killer.”
The topic of the board was about the Japanese anime “Naruto,” so I thought, “Okay, this guy’s screen name means ‘killer who is Asian.’“ But when I read his post, he was totally hating on “Naruto” and its fans—so then I thought, “OMG…this guy kills Asians…or, at least those of us who love ‘Naruto’!”
I actually think “AznKiller” simply didn’t consider the possibility that his screen name could be interpreted to mean “killer of Asians.” He was, after all, posting on a board dedicated to anime—something I don’t think a guy who kills Asians would waste time doing. But if he had posted on some pro-SARS board or whatever, well, then he’d obviously be a racist douche with a Douche-tastically Douchie screen name.
absolutangel64 