A bit of drama involving my cousin and her boyfriend came up while I was away though, the details of which kind of bother me so I really would like to hear your insight on whether I’m just imagining things and need to calm the hell down.

This all started about a week before I left for Hawaii, when I received an e-mail with the subject “Hello Sylvia” sent from someone whom I will refer to as Apple. I didn’t know who this Apple was, and didn’t want to open the message for fear that it would unleash some kind of crazy cyber attack that would wreak havoc on my computer and spread its evilness to all the people in my address book. Yes, I have zero knowledge of how computers and computer viruses work.

But after I did a quick search on Apple’s name and found a bunch of Linked In profiles–none of which were of people who had “shady computer hacker” listed as an occupation–I thought, “I can view this e-mail without fear!” (See previous “I have zero knowledge of how computers and computer viruses work” comment above).

When I opened the e-mail, however, all I saw was this:

Okay, no–that’s not really what the text looked like. It was actually written in Chinese and not little pictures of a sumo wrestler, geisha, and other icons depicting the bastardized notion of Japanese culture. And if you’re wondering why I didn’t just use Chinese text when I threw that image together, it’s because I can’t read Chinese. And thanks to my illiteracy, my initial reaction to this e-mail was, “Nigerian scam written in Chinese!” and “I bet it says this!”

Pretty freakin’ sad, I know, but points for throwing in “swamp donkey”? Maybe?

While I might be illiterate in both computers and Chinese, I was at least capable of knowing that my interpretation of what the e-mail said was all sorts of wrong. So I cut-and-pasted the text into Google Translate and was able to figure out from the really bad English translation that Apple was actually my cousin’s–let’s call her Orange–boyfriend, and wanted to ask her to marry him for. He knew that Orange and her mom (my aunt–a.k.a. “Aunt Orange’s Mom”) were going to be attending the same wedding that I was (Orange was a bridesmaid), and came up with a plan to surprise Orange by showing up right before the ceremony and proposing to her. His window of opportunity was limited because his flight back to Taiwan was later that afternoon, and he had to leave immediately for the airport afterwards. But he had never been to Hawaii before and did not know how he could make it to the ceremony in time. He was therefore hoping I could help him by fine-tuning the details so that everything would be perfectly timed.

Apple sounded sincere, and I thought his plan was very romantic and something my cousin–who is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet–definitely deserved. The problem, however, came in one of the final lines of the e-mail, when he asked me to keep this a secret not only from Orange (obviously) but also Aunt Orange’s Mom (*alarm bells*).

Okay, I get the part about keeping Orange out of the loop because the point of Apple’s plan was to surprise her, but to ask me not tell her mom anything did not sit well with me. Sure, maybe Apple was afraid that my aunt would be too excited to keep the surprise from her daughter, but something in me made me believe that wasn’t his reason. It felt much more likely that Apple didn’t want me to say anything because he knew my aunt didn’t like him. And if my suspicions were correct, then (1) Apple had not gotten approval from Orange’s parents but was going to propose anyway, (2) I would be enabling this disrespect if I helped him, and (3) if my aunt didn’t like him, what if my cousin didn’t either? What if she and Apple were actually exes, and this surprise thing was Apple’s way of winning her back?

I wasn’t sure how to respond to Apple’s e-mail, so I instead took the politician’s route and “kicked the can down the road”–i.e., I called my mom for help. She and Aunt Orange’s Mom are sisters, so I knew she would be able to handle it better than I could.

In the end, my mom thought it would be best for Apple to propose in Taiwan instead of Hawaii. It wasn’t because she thought he was crazy or anything; she just wasn’t sure if we would be able to help him at all because all of us were already going to be really busy that week, and it would be difficult for us to help him perfectly time his surprise when our own schedules were going to be constantly changing. Plus, Orange was in the bridal party so even if Apple was able to arrive before the ceremony started, there was a strong possibility that he would still not be able to see her because she would be taking pictures, or lining up for the processional or something. The chances of Apple’s plan not succeeding were much too great, and my mom just didn’t think it would be fair for Apple or Orange to have their engagement moment be anything less than perfect. (My mom is obviously a lot more positive than I am…)

Anyway, Apple agreed with my mom, told her he would revise his plan so that he could propose in Taiwan instead, and hoped to meet us the next time we were in town since he no longer had to fly to Hawaii. I felt like a total ass afterwards.

Fast forward to the day Orange and Aunt Orange’s Mom arrived in Hawaii. My mom was outside waiting for them to exit the airport and drive them to their hotel, but just when she spotted them, a young man dressed in a suit and carrying a bouquet of flowers quickly walked over to Orange and asked:

It was Apple! He had reworked his plan so that the timing thing was no longer an issue! How sweet!

And of course, Orange accepted. How the hell could she not, right?

Now, at this point in the story–which was told to me by my mom because I wasn’t there at the time–I thought Apple was a really decent and nice guy, and was happy knowing that Orange would be marrying someone who seemed to really care about her. But then this sh*t went down, as did my opinions of the guy whom I will now refer to as Asshat Apple.

That’s some heinous f*ckery right there! Nine hundred dollars?! That’s a lot of money for anyone–friend, family, fiance–to be borrowing, and the person who is asking for it is automatically an asshat until proven otherwise!

…Right? To be honest, I desperately want to be wrong about this guy. I want someone to tell me that I’m just overreacting because Orange is a member of my family and I want her to only have the best things in life. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not a good person. 

So which one is it: Should I be wary of Apple’s intentions or just calm the hell down? It’s not like I’m going to say anything because it’s not really my business, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry, you know? 

A bit of drama involving my cousin and her boyfriend came up while I was away though, the details of which kind of bother me so I really would like to hear your insight on whether I’m just imagining things and need to calm the hell down.

This all started about a week before I left for Hawaii, when I received an e-mail with the subject “Hello Sylvia” sent from someone whom I will refer to as Apple. I didn’t know who this Apple was, and didn’t want to open the message for fear that it would unleash some kind of crazy cyber attack that would wreak havoc on my computer and spread its evilness to all the people in my address book. Yes, I have zero knowledge of how computers and computer viruses work.

But after I did a quick search on Apple’s name and found a bunch of Linked In profiles–none of which were of people who had “shady computer hacker” listed as an occupation–I thought, “I can view this e-mail without fear!” (See previous “I have zero knowledge of how computers and computer viruses work” comment above).

When I opened the e-mail, however, all I saw was this:

Okay, no–that’s not really what the text looked like. It was actually written in Chinese and not little pictures of a sumo wrestler, geisha, and other icons depicting the bastardized notion of Japanese culture. And if you’re wondering why I didn’t just use Chinese text when I threw that image together, it’s because I can’t read Chinese. And thanks to my illiteracy, my initial reaction to this e-mail was, “Nigerian scam written in Chinese!” and “I bet it says this!”

Pretty freakin’ sad, I know, but points for throwing in “swamp donkey”? Maybe?

While I might be illiterate in both computers and Chinese, I was at least capable of knowing that my interpretation of what the e-mail said was all sorts of wrong. So I cut-and-pasted the text into Google Translate and was able to figure out from the really bad English translation that Apple was actually my cousin’s–let’s call her Orange–boyfriend, and wanted to ask her to marry him for. He knew that Orange and her mom (my aunt–a.k.a. “Aunt Orange’s Mom”) were going to be attending the same wedding that I was (Orange was a bridesmaid), and came up with a plan to surprise Orange by showing up right before the ceremony and proposing to her. His window of opportunity was limited because his flight back to Taiwan was later that afternoon, and he had to leave immediately for the airport afterwards. But he had never been to Hawaii before and did not know how he could make it to the ceremony in time. He was therefore hoping I could help him by fine-tuning the details so that everything would be perfectly timed.

Apple sounded sincere, and I thought his plan was very romantic and something my cousin–who is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet–definitely deserved. The problem, however, came in one of the final lines of the e-mail, when he asked me to keep this a secret not only from Orange (obviously) but also Aunt Orange’s Mom (*alarm bells*).

Okay, I get the part about keeping Orange out of the loop because the point of Apple’s plan was to surprise her, but to ask me not tell her mom anything did not sit well with me. Sure, maybe Apple was afraid that my aunt would be too excited to keep the surprise from her daughter, but something in me made me believe that wasn’t his reason. It felt much more likely that Apple didn’t want me to say anything because he knew my aunt didn’t like him. And if my suspicions were correct, then (1) Apple had not gotten approval from Orange’s parents but was going to propose anyway, (2) I would be enabling this disrespect if I helped him, and (3) if my aunt didn’t like him, what if my cousin didn’t either? What if she and Apple were actually exes, and this surprise thing was Apple’s way of winning her back?

I wasn’t sure how to respond to Apple’s e-mail, so I instead took the politician’s route and “kicked the can down the road”–i.e., I called my mom for help. She and Aunt Orange’s Mom are sisters, so I knew she would be able to handle it better than I could.

In the end, my mom thought it would be best for Apple to propose in Taiwan instead of Hawaii. It wasn’t because she thought he was crazy or anything; she just wasn’t sure if we would be able to help him at all because all of us were already going to be really busy that week, and it would be difficult for us to help him perfectly time his surprise when our own schedules were going to be constantly changing. Plus, Orange was in the bridal party so even if Apple was able to arrive before the ceremony started, there was a strong possibility that he would still not be able to see her because she would be taking pictures, or lining up for the processional or something. The chances of Apple’s plan not succeeding were much too great, and my mom just didn’t think it would be fair for Apple or Orange to have their engagement moment be anything less than perfect. (My mom is obviously a lot more positive than I am…)

Anyway, Apple agreed with my mom, told her he would revise his plan so that he could propose in Taiwan instead, and hoped to meet us the next time we were in town since he no longer had to fly to Hawaii. I felt like a total ass afterwards.

Fast forward to the day Orange and Aunt Orange’s Mom arrived in Hawaii. My mom was outside waiting for them to exit the airport and drive them to their hotel, but just when she spotted them, a young man dressed in a suit and carrying a bouquet of flowers quickly walked over to Orange and asked:

It was Apple! He had reworked his plan so that the timing thing was no longer an issue! How sweet!

And of course, Orange accepted. How the hell could she not, right?

Now, at this point in the story–which was told to me by my mom because I wasn’t there at the time–I thought Apple was a really decent and nice guy, and was happy knowing that Orange would be marrying someone who seemed to really care about her. But then this sh*t went down, as did my opinions of the guy whom I will now refer to as Asshat Apple.

That’s some heinous f*ckery right there! Nine hundred dollars?! That’s a lot of money for anyone–friend, family, fiance–to be borrowing, and the person who is asking for it is automatically an asshat until proven otherwise!

…Right? To be honest, I desperately want to be wrong about this guy. I want someone to tell me that I’m just overreacting because Orange is a member of my family and I want her to only have the best things in life. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not a good person. 

So which one is it: Should I be wary of Apple’s intentions or just calm the hell down? It’s not like I’m going to say anything because it’s not really my business, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry, you know?