Like every other Asian, part of my childhood was spent learning how to play a musical instrument. I started taking piano lessons when I was about 8-years-old, and stopped when I was 18. During those 10 years, however, I only performed in 3 recitals. The last one I participated in was back in 1993. I was only 11-years-old at the time…

It was clear Sunday afternoon, and I was scheduled to perform at a joint piano recital being held by my teacher, Ms. F., and her friend/rival piano teacher, Ms. M. The event took place in a small auditorium on a university campus; the room, however, looked like it hadn’t been used since the age of the dinosaurs. It was kind of musty and dark, and there were stacks of chairs all over the place. But somewhere in that jungle of dusty storage stuff, there were actually theater seats and a small stage with a baby grand piano on it.

I didn’t know it then, but I was about to have one of the worst experiences of my childhood…no, of my life.

The recital started at around 2:00 p.m., and I was listed as the ninth performer on the program sheet. I was doing okay watching the first 7 students perform, but when the 8th kid went up, I suddenly turned into a hot mess. It wasn’t because I was nervous about playing the piano in front of 50 strangers—that was the easy part. I was freaking out because of something much, much worse.

Maybe there were vibrations coming from the piano, or it’d been a long time since that room had been exposed to fresh air and light—but while the 8th student was performing, something in that room woke up. It was very alive and apparently very angry at us for disturbing it because it started flying around the piano. And it was moving so quickly that the only thing I could tell was that it was brown.

I kept watching it fly circles around the piano until it finally disappeared. And it couldn’t have picked a better time to go away because it was my turn to play. I walked towards the stairs leading up to the stage and then:

“Ffttt!”

Out of nowhere, that crazy brown thing reappeared and flew right in front of me. I turned to my teacher and made this “do I have to?” face, and she responded with a “you better go up there” look of her own. That was a sign of rotten things to come.

So I sat at the piano and tried to play my song, all while a mysterious brown thing flew around my head. And it was really close to my face because I could hear its wings flapping whenever it came nearer.

The only thing I could think about was, “what is that?!” I didn’t know if I was playing the right keys, or if my tempo was correct. I was just going through the motions. What if that thing is a bat? A blood-sucking bat? Or a bird? What am I going to do if it takes a dump on my head?

I managed to stop freaking out long enough to realize I was close to the end of the song. My nerves started to ease up: I’m going to be home free soon! I’m going to be able to get away from this scary flying turd!

And then…

So not joking. I was sitting on a stage, in the middle of performing at a piano recital, and that brown thing freaking flew into my face! It flew into my face!

Reflexively, I grabbed it with both hands and pulled it off me…

Giant-Ass Moth!

*Awkward silence*

I never played in another piano recital ever again.

    I. The Movie Quoter

He insists he’s making his dad “an offer he can’t refuse” when he asks to borrow $ 20, and says “I’ll be back” even though he’s just going to the bathroom. He can’t say “is nice” or “high five” without the Borat accent, and really likes to interrupt people with, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A,” “Look! I’m Zippy Longstocking,” “When a problem comes along, you must zip it,” and “Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple?” He is the Movie Quoter, and you should avoid him because he is annoying as hell.

The problem with Movie Quoters is that they tend to recite movie lines that don’t have anything to do with whatever you’re talking about. It’s like they get all Tourettesy or something, because they just hurl quotes that don’t fit anywhere in the conversation. You could be talking about kittens, and the Movie Quoter will suddenly blab, “Say ‘hello’ to my little friend!” and then pull some lint out of his pocket. Now what? You’re stranded in the middle of a WTF moment!

    II. The Problem Sufferer

When you first hear a Problem Sufferer talk, you’d think she was the most unfortunate person on Earth because of all the tragedies she experiences—one after another, like a never ending chain of misery.

But if you listen carefully, you’ll quickly realize the Problem Sufferer isn’t just talking about her current problems—she’s also complaining about old problems that have already been resolved, and even nonexistent ones that may never occur. She wants to talk about them all, all the damn time. And just when you think you’ve heard the last problem, she starts over and begins retelling all her current, old, and nonexistent problems. And it’s not like she wants your advice because, if she did, she would give you an opportunity to respond. But she’s not letting you get a word in. No, she just wants you to sit there and listen to her freak out until you die…and chances are, you’ll be dead way before she stops talking.

    III. The Bad Joke Teller

Also known as the “Dane Cook,” Bad Joke Tellers don’t tell jokes…they tell b*tch slaps. They b*tch slap your sense of humor and then wonder why you’re offended.

The Bad Joke Teller likes to ruin a good laugh by telling a joke of his own—a joke that is so bad you can’t even pretend it’s funny. And he has no idea you’re not laughing because the joke sucks ass; he thinks you don’t understand his comedic genius, and will then start explaining the joke to you. Too bad his punch line flat lined…as did your interest in being anywhere near him.

    IV. The Baby-Voice Talker

The Baby-Voice Talker is someone who is no longer a baby, but who alters her voice so that she sounds like one when she talks (e.g., Paris Hilton).

To be clear: just because you’re a non-baby who talks with a baby voice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the type of Baby-Voice Talker people should avoid. There are actually a number of situations where using a baby voice won’t result in society ostracizing your ass.

        Acceptable Baby Talk

            – You’re talking to a baby.

            – You’re talking to your pets that you treat as your babies.

            – You’re mocking someone who is talking like a baby.

            – You’re a voice actor, and your character is a baby.

        Unacceptable Baby Talk

            – All other situations.

I know a guy who recently moved in with a female friend he has known for about 10 years. They are simply roommates sharing an apartment…oh, and they occasionally have sex. But don’t get the wrong idea: they both insist they are still “only friends” despite this arrangement. They are both free to date other people—and the guy does, but must later deal with his roommate’s jealous tirades. And they both lead separate lives, such as hanging out with their own friends—except the girl calls and sends text messages to the guy, demanding to know where he is and whether there are any vaginas near him. Normally, this girl would be considered a possessive girlfriend, but that definitely isn’t the case here because she and this guy are only roommates, and not boyfriend/girlfriend. At most, they are just “friends-with-benefits.”

*Sniff* *Sniff*…what’s that stanky smell? I think it’s Eau de Dumbass.

This guy’s situation just reinforces my belief that there is no such thing as being strictly friends with someone you have sex with. None. And this is true regardless of whether you call it “friends-with-benefits,” “friends-that-f*ck,” or whatever. Someone is going to develop feelings for their booty-call buddy and once that happens, it is no longer no-strings-attached sex. You are entering relationship territory—which, ironically, was very thing you hoped to avoid when you set up the arrangement in the first place. Sucks to be you!

It’s hard for me to sympathize with anyone who enters into a friends-with-benefits agreement and ends up in a “real relationship” he never wanted. In fact, I find their misfortune very, very funny. These people all wanted to get laid without compromising their singleness or paying for prostitutes, and came up with the brilliant idea that sleeping with their friends was the best solution. I guess these geniuses somehow forgot that “friendship” is the step immediately below “relationship.”

But is it really a surprise that being in a friends-with-benefits situation has the potential to turn into a romantic relationship? All of us are friends with people we like, but admit it: there is at least one you’d consider being romantically involved with. That person just happens to have more of the qualities you’d like in a boyfriend or girlfriend; and being able to see yourself dating that person—however remote the possibility—kind of makes your friendship a little more than “just friends.”

As for the friends you would not get romantically involved with—well, you’re simply not attracted to them. Doesn’t mean you value their friendship any less…they just aren’t your type. I have a number of guy friends I genuinely like, but the thought of getting freaky with any of them turns my vagina into the Gobi Desert—as in, go be nasty with someone else.

And if that is not enough to convince you, then this will: friends-with-benefits? Friends-that-f*ck? Girlfriends and boyfriends? It’s not a coincidence that they all have the word “friend” in them. That alone should be enough to scare you.

Of course, you may disagree if you know from experience that there is such thing as an emotionless friends-with-benefits friendship, but you’re obviously only saying that because you weren’t the one who developed romantic feelings. That, or your friends-with-benefits friendship was something like this:

Now there’s a friends-with-benefits relationship I condone!

Have you ever dated a friend’s ex?

I have never done this or had it done to me, but I know quite a few boys and girls who couldn’t resist the allure of a friend’s leftovers. And, by the way, I know some people call a friend’s ex “sloppy seconds,” but that is so not what the term actually means. “Sloppy seconds” refers to using someone else’s, umm…go look it up!

Anyway, I like eating leftovers—especially reheated fettuccini alfredo…mmm–but that doesn’t mean I want to date them. Dating a friend’s ex seems like a major betrayal, you know? It cheapens a friendship that most likely required a lot of effort to develop. Trampling on that emotional investment just so that you can have someone to hold hands with makes you a giant tool—and you deserve to be beaten with a rubber hose and then set on fire.

Besides, dating a friend’s ex isn’t exactly the best way to advertise your hotness. It kind of screams, “of all the people in the world, the only person I could attract was someone who once dated my friend.” And that’s just sad.

While I think dating a friend’s ex is generally a bad idea, it seems less heinous if your new boyfriend or girlfriend was the one who got dumped. Think about it in terms of trash: all the garbage I throw away consists of stuff I do not want, either because it is useless, or got all fat and lazy after I first acquired it, or whatever. Since I don’t need any of it anymore, I’ve kicked it to the curb for the garbage collectors to come haul it away. But if my friend discovered she could use the items I threw out, she could take my trash bag and I’d be totally okay with it.

The same cannot be said for a situation where stuff I do want to keep disguises itself as trash and escapes from my possession. That is definitely not garbage—and if my friend tries to take my trash bag, she’s going to have to deal with me getting all up in her face or dragging her ass onto a Jerry Springer-type show.

Applying the trash analogy, dumping a person is like throwing out garbage. And once you dump someone, your ex is fair game for everyone, including your friends. After all, just because you don’t want him doesn’t mean all your friends have to feel the same way. If your ex dumped you, however, then your friends can’t date him or her without looking like a disloyal ho.

As I said earlier, I have never dated a friend’s ex, nor had a friend who dated one of my exes—but I am really curious to hear from people who have experienced either scenarios. Were you okay with it? Was your friend? Are you even still friends?