The Asian Conversation…

A general Asian to Non-Asian conversation might go like this:

Non-Asian: So what are you? Japanese?

Asian: No. I’m Chinese.

Non-Asian: Oh…(insert lame excuse about why he/she guessed incorrectly, without letting Asian know that it’s because all Asians look alike.)

*Pause*

Non-Asian: I knew a guy who lived in Japan for a few years

Asian: Oh…that’s cool (Thinking: No, it’s not)

You will have at least one conversation like this if you’re Asian. It’s one of those things that’s inevitably going to happen in your lifetime simply because your eyes are slanted and your hair is naturally black.

It always starts out with the ethnicity check. You’re not just an Asian–the person you’re speaking to, regardless of whether or not they will ever see you again, will want to know specifically what kind of Asian you are. That information is probably even more important  than what your name is. It’s as if labelling yourself gives other people a better idea of what kind of person you are…but really, it’s just a polite form of stereotyping.

However posing the ethnicity question is a guaranteed invitation for Awkward Silence because, face it, there really isn’t a lot a person can go on when someone answers you with, “I’m Chinese.” You can’t say anything other than the lame, “Oh, that’s cool…” or “Really?” or even worse…

The Generalist’s Answer.

You tell them you’re Chinese, they respond with knowing someone who lived in Japan. Or that they watch Korean dramas. Or they like pho. It could practically be anything.

China is a country in Asia, but since the Non-Asian doesn’t know anything about China or the Chinese, he/she will pull any piece of information they can about another Asian country and somehow fuse China and this other Asian country together as one. They just make all Asian countries one to cover for that Awkward Silence they caused with their nosiness. By pulling the Generalist’s Answer they are hoping that because we all look alike, our experiences are the same too.

So living in China is the same as living in Japan, Korea, or any other Asian country. And being Chinese is the same as being any other Asian.

So when you hear, “I knew someone who lived in Japan,” in response to, “I’m Chinese,” or whatever you are…you know that the other person is just pulling crap out their ass because they have no idea how to respond to your answer.

When someone pulls the Generalist’s Answer on me and expects me to think they’re more open-minded about the Asian culture just because they have a friend who’s Korean, or their roommate studied abroad in Thailand–it offends me. Bad enough you have to ask me about my ethnicity, but that you’re so ignorant as to think that being Chinese is the same as being any other Asian race truly insults my intelligence. I don’t run around asking other people what they are, and I don’t think being from Egypt is the same as being from South Africa even though both countries are in Africa. Nor do I think that the French are the same as the Germans. It goes on…

We’re all different even though we’re under the banner of “Asian.” But the mystery that is being Asian keeps us stuck in this routine of having to define ourselves specifically, and then listen to someone’s boring ass story about how they’ve always wanted to go to our homeland, or how they like eating ethnic food.

How would you like it if you told me you were Mexican, and I told you that I like eating tacos? I think you’d kick my ass.

It’s racist…but because we’re Asian, and we get it all the time, no one thinks twice about having these types of conversations with us.

Why doesn’t anyone else know about the story of Houston (that guy who raps “I like dat…I like dat…I like dat…”) gouging out his own eye? It’s the best story I’ve heard so far this year. Rapper takes out his own eye because his soul is entrenched in a battle between being a raunchy rapper and a devout Christian. It’s two weeks old or something, but I had to bring it up because I didn’t have anything else to talk about.

My Ex-Lax entry is my favorite. Toot! Toot!

http://www.xanga.com/skin.asp?user=absolutangel64&tab=weblogs&fid=0&nextdate=12%2F10%2F2004+8%3A31%3A43+PM&direction=n&bflag=

An entry filled with Too Much Information…

WARNING: DISCUSSION ABOUT MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS FOLLOW!

My bowels and I have a love/hate relationship. One the one hand, Mr. Bowels removes waste products from my body and gives me that nice, empty feeling in my intestines. He also relieves my belly pressure by releasing the toxic gas that has built up from eating too much Mexican good.

One the other hand, Mr. Bowels does not always function the way he is supposed to. Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly ill, he will not allow me to properly utilize the toilet’s functions. I’ll just end up sitting there for long moments, trying to squeeze ANYTHING out of my body for some relief.

The most annoying habit of my bowels is the “I’m Finished—Just Kidding!” movement. It’s when I’ll sit on the toilet and do my smelly deeds, then afterwards when I’ve wiped clean I’ll suddenly have to drop more deeds. Then I’ll wipe again, only to realize that I have the urge to drop deeds again.

For those of you who don’t do it, wiping after the big DO-DO can be a pain depending on the texture and consistency of your–ahem–byproduct. If it’s just a shooter, then two wipes will do. But if it’s a creamed corn husk, then you might as well be armed with an extra roll of two-ply.

It’s when your poo is the latter (creamed corn husk) that makes the “I’m Finished—Just Kidding!” movement one of the most irritating and time consuming activities of the day. Not only do you have to wipe 20+ times to get the first run clean, but you’d have to wipe an extra 40+ times to clean up any other subsequent movements. That’s a lot of toilet paper, and a lot of patience. Plus if your bathroom stinks, it’s even more of a nightmare.

Now that I think about it, though, I don’t know how common this problem is. I’m starting to think I need to eat more fiber or something.

I have been having a problem with boogers lately…

I just have too many in my nose. Every day I have to pick out large boogers just to breathe. The problem is aggravating, especially since there appears to be no reason for me to be forming so many pieces of crust in my nose in the first place.

So I did some research about the formation of boogers (which apparently do not have a more scientific sounding name to go by) in order to understand why I have them. Tada! my friends, I have found the answer at http://kidshealth.org/kid/talk/yucky/booger.html.

To understand what boogers are, you need to know about mucus (say: myoo-kus). Mucus is the thin, sticky, slimy stuff that’s made inside your nose. If you’re like a lot of kids, you have another name for nose mucus: snot. Your nose makes about a cupful (about 237 milliliters) of snot every day.

Mucus has a pretty important job – it protects the lungs. When you breathe in air through your nose, it contains lots of tiny things, like dust, dirt, germs, and pollen. If these made it all the way to the lungs, the lungs could get hurt and it would be tough to breathe. Luckily, snot helps trap this stuff, keeping it in the nose and out of the lungs.

After this stuff gets stuck inside the nose, the mucus surrounds it and some of the tiny hairs inside the nose called cilia (say: sih-lee-uh). These hairs help move the mucus and the trapped stuff toward the front of the nose or the back of the throat. When the mucus and the dirt dry and clump together, you’re left with a booger. Boogers can be squishy and slimy or tough and crumbly. Everybody gets them, so they’re not a big deal. In fact, boogers are a sign that your nose is working the way it should!

If you have to get rid of boogers, your best bet is to blow ’em out of your nose and into a tissue. Picking your nose isn’t a great idea because boogers contain lots of dirt and germs and because poking around in your nose can make it bleed.

So my whole booger problem stems from an issue of dirty air! And the huge boogers in my nose can only mean that I breathe in the most disgusting air in all of California. Thank you, cats.

Has anyone else experienced the Disappearing Poo Phenomenon?

It’s when you make poo, but when you look in the toilet it’s NOT THERE.

I’ve had this happen to me on numerous occasions, with one instance being–oh–5 minutes ago. I sat on the toilet, let go of my burdens, and wiped clean with Kirkland brand toilet tissue. However, when I stood up to flush there was nothing in the toilet but toilet paper. Seriously. I even looked for it.

I thought maybe I had a moment of absent-mindedness and accidentally pooped on the floor, but there was nothing there when I looked. So where could my toxic waste have gone?

I’m thinking it just swam into the toilet and committed suicide without my having to flush it away. I guess that saves me the energy I would have used to push the handle, but still, how unsettling is that?