One day I was watching television with my sister when a yogurt commercial came on. It was pretty typical: actors describing the brand’s delicious variety of fancy flavors, close-up shots of fruit, and an emphasis on how this yogurt had “less calories” than other yogurt brands:

I couldn’t really explain it, but I knew “less calories” was grammatically incorrect because a sh*tty feeling had come over me even though I didn’t have to take a dump. A sh*tty feeling without a bowel movement? That could only mean one thing: constipation my Sh*tty Sense was tingling!

That’s right: my Sh*tty Sense tingles whenever I encounter sketchy grammar. It goes off when I hear things like “Bob and me are going to the store,” or when I find “your really funny” or “its mine” written in a published article. I actually just came across a piece that included this freshly laid turd: “they’re office is a post office.” Right—as in: they are office is a post office.

This conversation with my sister happened about one or two years ago. I wanted to write a post about it back then, but by the time I got around to it the commercial had long stopped airing. It wouldn’t have made sense to blog about a 30-second spot most people probably had already forgotten about, and I wasn’t going to write a post just in case another commercial with the same grammatical error showed up on television because that day was not going to come. I figured, “Hey, isn’t learning how to properly use “less” and “fewer” something kids are taught before they graduate from high school?” It’s one of the most basic rules of grammar—no, of nature. And considering how anal companies tended to be about maintaining the quality of their brands’ images, I assumed there wasn’t a possibility that any of them were going to let something as egregious as “less calories” make it past the editing phase. As for the yogurt commercial I’d seen with my sister—it was probably just a one-time thing…you know, some kind of anomaly. What I saw was most likely the unedited bad-grammar version that was accidentally shown instead of the final good-grammar cut. Yes, that had to be it…so no need to write about it.

Of course, since I’m blogging about this now, it’s pretty obvious that I was wrong and should have written this post back then. If I had, I could have just posted it immediately after I saw a “Colgate” toothpaste commercial that had this:

“See? A lot less germs, and I brushed at 7 a.m.”

And just like the time when my sister and I were watching television, my Sh*tty Sense started going off.

Seriously, seeing one commercial use “less” when it should have used “fewer” was bad enough—but two? What the hell happened there? Is substituting “less” for “fewer” some kind of marketing strategy? Maybe “fewer germs” doesn’t emphasize the toothpaste’s germ-fighting power as strongly as “less germs”…? Or, maybe there was a hidden message in the commercial: the germ-fighting power is so extreme it can even fight off proper grammar rules!

…Or maybe “Colgate” intended its target audience to only include consumers who did not get through elementary school! After all, those people tend to have poor dental hygiene…their gums are just teeming with microscopic life!

But it doesn’t stop at the “Colgate” ad! I just saw an “Airborne” commercial where that creepy cartoon man brags about “Airborne” having “less calories” than orange juice…and now my Sh*tty Sense is in overdrive because that commercial was beyond sh*tty. First, there was the “less calories” bit. Secondly, of all the things “Airborne” could have compared itself to, why the hell did it choose orange juice? Orange juice has, what, like 120 calories a glass or something? And why does that even matter anyway? I mean, when my immune system has gone to sh*t, the last thing I’m worrying about is whether a jug of “Tropicana” is going to make me fat. It could have a “KFC Double Down” blended into it and I’d still chug a few gallons if it helped boost my immune system.

As a semi-grammar fiend, I find the misuse of “less” and “fewer” rather disgusting. And even if purposely doing so helps a company sell more toothpaste, yogurt, or fake health supplements, that doesn’t make it any less sh*tty.

What bothers me more is that maybe the “less vs. fewer” atrocity was not done intentionally—i.e., the people who created these commercials actually believed their grammar was correct, and are now spreading this disease-of-the-dumbasses through their televised advertisements. This is a sin against nature, and probably why the polar ice caps are melting! And if we don’t stop this now, our future will be filled with more of those really, really sad polar bear conservation commercials! Have you ever watched one in its entirety? They will make you cry your eyes out!

Having said all that, here’s the part where I’d give a short lecture on when to use “less” or “fewer.” Unfortunately, I don’t know how to explain it; the only reason why I’m even able to figure out which one to use is because of my Sh*tty Sense–something you do not want to see in Paint-picture form.

But! I do have “The Elements of Style,” and it lays out the rule for “less” versus “fewer”: “less refers to quantity, fewer to number.” And it has an example: “‘His troubles are fewer than mine’ means ‘His troubles are not so numerous as mine.’” Umm…yeah. I didn’t really understand that one. Let’s start over again…

But! I do know how to use the internet, and have found helpful rules to remember when figuring out whether to use “less” or “fewer.”

The clearest explanations were those provided by “Grammar Girl: Quick and Dirty Tips” and the “Oxford Dictionary.” “Grammar Girl” says to “use less with mass nouns and fewer with count nouns. A count noun is just something you can count…Mass nouns are just things that you can’t count individually.” She also notes that there are exceptions to this rule: “…it is customary to use the word less to describe time, money, and distance.”

The “Oxford Dictionary” phrases the rule as: “Use fewer if you’re referring to people or things in the plural…Use less when you’re referring to something that can’t be counted or doesn’t have a plural.” It also mentions the exceptions: “Less is also used with numbers when they are on their own and with expressions of measurement or time.”

Count nouns, mass nouns, plurals, no plurals—what both explanations seem to boil down to is this: if you’re not sure whether the thing you are referring to should be paired with “less” or “fewer,” ask yourself, “Is it possible for someone to have 21 of these things?” If it is, use “fewer;” if not, go with “less.”

So for example, let’s say you want to stage an intervention because I am addicted to adopting kittens. Should you tell me, “Sylvia, you should adopt less kittens,” or “Sylvia, you should adopt fewer kittens”? To figure out which one to choose, ask yourself: Is it possible to have 21 kittens? Hells yes! It is very, very possible! And you totally know it is, which is why you’re organizing an intervention where you will tell me I should adopt fewer kittens.

This stuff is pretty easy to understand, right? So how the hell does crap like “less germs” and “less calories” make it onto television?!

Germs and calories can be counted individually! They have plural forms! They aren’t measurements of time or distance, or used as currency! And if you went to go a crowded library and started counting germs or calories while shouting through a bullhorn—yes, you’d probably look crazy and be wrestled to the ground by a security guard or two—but at least everyone would know you could count properly! Think how douchie you’d look if you tried to count douchiness. “One douchie, two douchies, three douchies…” That sounds retarded! And if you went to the library and started shouting “one douchie, two douchies, three douchies…” through a bullhorn, you’d definitely look crazy and be wrestled to the ground by security guards…and then tased (tazed?) by police officers…and while you’re on the ground, a seeing-eye dog will come by and take a crap on your face…and then the library patrons will all point and laugh at your dumb ass. Hey, I think I just described my fantasy library trip!

The “less vs. fewer” rules are simple and a lot more reliable than a Sh*tty Sense—but that doesn’t mean they’ll always lead you to the right choice. Language is constantly evolving, and that means grammar rules do too. What might be considered proper prose today could easily become the opposite tomorrow. It’s not realistic to expect perfection, but you’ll get pretty close to it if you just follow basic steps.

A good friend was on “Facebook” one day and saw that a former classmate of ours swamp donkey had posted this status update:

“My cat and I are eating Cocoa Puffs!”

If you’ve had a dog or cat before, then you’re aware that chocolate is something they’re not supposed to eat. Then again, even if you’ve never owned a pet at all, you probably know this anyway. This isn’t newly discovered information, or knowledge you only acquire upon raising an animal. Pet owners and many non-pet owners know that there is something about chocolate that is dangerous to cats and dogs.

So when my friend told me what Swamp Donkey had posted, I didn’t believe him at first. Sure, this girl had an unfounded elitist attitude, an awful personality, and a reputation for talking trash about her own best friends—thus making her one of the most disliked members of the student body—but she couldn’t be so irresponsible that she would wind up poisoning her own cat. Her cat is probably the only thing on this planet that doesn’t hate her.

I couldn’t verify this myself because I didn’t have access to Swamp Donkey’s page. I am not her friend, and have no intention of ever “friending” her. My friend, likewise, had not “friended” her either, but was able to see the status updates because they were both in our law school’s “Facebook” group—a group I’ve refrained from joining for two reasons: (1) I don’t care about “Facebook” enough to bother doing stuff like that, and (2) several of my professors were members of the group. The latter is a bigger factor because, from what I understand, once you join a group all the other members have access to your site regardless of whether or not they are on your “Friends” list. Thus, if I joined my law school’s group, my professors would be able to view my page—and there is something really uncomfortable about that. I don’t have any incriminating photos, controversial postings, or anything else that would reflect negatively on me (that stuff is reserved for Xanga)—but still, there is something weird about professors and students having access to each other’s sites. A professor is a student’s superior, and you typically wouldn’t interact with your professor the same way you do when you’re with your friends. Another way of phrasing it: you are one version of yourself in front of your professor—or any other superior—and another in front of your peers. Blurring the two makes things weird in a way I can’t really explain, but that’s what you’re doing when you let your professors access your “Facebook” page, and vice-versa.

Anyway…

I couldn’t see Swamp Donkey’s status update on my own, so my friend showed me his laptop screen. And sure enough, she had indeed been eating “Cocoa Puffs” with her cat.

Someone had the sense to respond with, “Umm…I don’t think chocolate is good for cats.” This probably wasn’t forceful enough to get the point across because Swamp Donkey’s reply was, “But he loves Cocoa Puffs!”

Perhaps she thought the only bad thing about giving her cat chocolate was that he might gain weight…I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I know is she pissed off the cat lady in me, and now I’m going to have to do something about it.

So I’ve decided to b*tch slap some information into Swamp Donkey–and what better way to do it than through the magic of “Paint”? I might be wrong, but I think you can post pictures and stuff on a person’s wall. If that’s the case, I’m going to join my school’s “Facebook” group so I can gain access to Swamp Donkey’s page, and then post the pictures there.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

And then I’m going to throw in a reminder at the end–kind of like a mini review so she won’t forget this important lesson.

I can’t decide which one I should use, though. Should I go with this one:

Or this one:

I’m also open to any suggestions you might have.

I hope this works. I tried my best to make is coherent, but we are talking about a swamp donkey here.