Valentine’s Day is coming up in less than a week, and it’s got me thinking: remember that post I’d written a few years back about how I’d use tired-ass reality television show formulas to pick a potential Valentine’s Day date? I’d have a bunch of guys go through horrible Survivor-type challenges and have their performances judged by three-person panels, and then end each day with a Rose Ceremony elimination segment—except instead of roses, the guys will get kittens.
Recent events have made it apparent that some of the challenges I’d come up with in that post were ones that bordered on being cruel and unusual punishment—namely, the “Take the Bar Exam in One Day” challenge. F*ck that. Nothing in this world is worth going through that misery—especially not a date with me. And plus, it has occurred to me that the guys could end up killing themselves before the end of the day, which would be totally counterproductive considering it’s a dating show and not, I don’t know, a murder melee.
I’d definitely drop the bar exam challenge, and would probably replace it with a “Name that Kitty” quiz instead. But the guy would have to do more than just be able to name my 3 cats—although, that would probably be enough of a challenge since surprisingly, very, very few people have been able to accomplish this. That’s just sad. There are only 3 of them, and they all look different! Come on!
Anyway, my idea of a “Name that Kitty” challenge would be to throw 3 similar looking cats together, and have the guy pick which one of the 3 is the real one:
By the way, trick questions are fair game.
The “Contraction Matching” challenge stays. Everyone should consider sh*t grammar a deal-breaker.
I threw in the trap door because a lot of people suggested throwing the guys into a pit. I don’t know what would be going on down there, though, but it’d have to be something horrifying—like watching a “Hannah Montana” marathon or a few of the recent SNL episodes…Oh! You know what would be just the worst punishment ever? Watching movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels. Seriously. I bet that’s why the CIA went with waterboarding–because it was less tortuous than forcing people to watch “The Notebook.”
Honestly, though, the one thing that makes my jacked-up dating show idea even remotely appealing is having the Kitten Ceremony. And I’d make mine unbelievably kick ass—and chock-full of all the overused reality television show gimmicks no one can stand! Which is really the antithesis of kicking ass!
Tyra Banks Let-Me-State-The-Obvious Speech? Check!
Yes, his name is Mr. Porcuphine–because no reality TV dating show would be complete without sh*tty nicknames.
Cliff-hangery commercial break? Check!
Creative catch phrase? Check!
absolutangel64 