The government should really consider imposing stricter regulations on eldery persons who want to drive. How many more farmers’ markets need to be torn through before someone takes notice that older drivers pose a serious threat to pedestrians?

Not to mention other vehicles…as in my case…

I was waiting for a parking space while at Costco when my sister brought to my attention a car that was backing out of a space near my car. By “near” I mean I was behind the car, and it was basically backing out into me.

So she told me to honk my horn, and I did. At first it was polite “honk honk,” but when I noticed that the driver was not stopping the car, and continued to back into me, the honking became a more aggravated, “HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK!”

And then, for my last ditch effort at preventing an accident, I finished my barrage of honks with a “HOOONNNKKKK!!!”

Finally, I just put my car in a desperate reverse and got out of the way before the car hit mine. The driver turned out to be an OLD MAN, who was completely DEAF to my honkings.

Not only that, after he was done reversing, he started to drive at me instead of around me to exit the parking lot. I kept backing up to give him room, but the more I backed up the closer he kept driving.

Incidents like these are not isolated events that occur once in a while. There are way too many old people causing accidents or being involved in accidents because, through the aging process, their abilities to coordinate proper driving methods deteriorate.

And if you tell me young people are just as likely to get involved in accidents, well I have news for you: young people don’t get into accidents because their senses are falling apart—they get into accidents because they’re stupid.

So I say enforce mandatory driving tests for older people who insist on maintaining their independence by driving. Make them do it every year, until they finally give up and allow their children or grandchildren to chauffer them around! And make the costs of renewing licenses exorbitant! That would further deter them from wanting to drive!

Here’s a fun riddle we were trying to solve while passing the time at work:

5 relatively well-known brand names all share two characteristics: (1) they are only five letters long, and (2) they contain two X’s in their name. What are they?

It’s actually not as easy as it sounds. For the longest time we only figured out two names, and then six hours later we figured out three more.

Take a guess!

I was driving home today and found myself involved in an apparent street race with another car.

Everytime I sped up, this other car sped up. And when I slowed down, the other car slowed down.

I thought it a coincedence that this other car’s driving habits were like mine, but it became more obvious when I sped up to catch up with the flow of traffic and the other driver quickly passed me. He might have laughed and given his passenger a high-five–but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was just annoyed at the fact that this loser couldn’t tell I wasn’t interested in the rivaly.

My car isn’t a race car. It’s a 95 Honda Civic that been keyed on the side and has a big dent in the front (a Ford Ranger backed up into me, and spare tire left an indelible impression—bastard). I hang a dried orchid lei and my graduation tassel from the rearview, and when I accelerate it sounds as if I’m in an airplane instead of a compact car.

No spoilers, no rims, no riceification.

So what’s the deal with other cars thinking that I’m racing material? If you beat me in a race, that’s about as meaningless a win as it would be for someone to win a beauty pagent when the opponent is a dried ass carcass.

These people who build their egos on empty racing wins against cars that are simply “Point A to Point B” vehicles must have some kind of self-esteem issues stemming from a childhood of molestation. That, or they’re really desperately trying to make the most out their Tercels.

So…

Barry Bonds held some press conference this week, during which he announced that he may be sitting out for half, if not the entire, baseball season next year.

He said it was because of this surgery, and that his old age just would not allow him to recuperate at a rate a younger body could. Thus, he would be forced to sit on the sidelines while his teammates played.

Barry Bonds, leaning on his crutches and sitting next to his son, kept repeating over and over again, “I’m tired…I’m tired…you pushed me over the edge.”

Now, I know nothing about baseball and that means that I have no idea how great a player this Barry Bonds person is. I do, however, know a whiner when I see one. And this Barry Bonds epitomizes the very essence of a whiner.

Here’s what I really think he’s trying to do:

The man openly admitted to using steroids during his baseball career. That means that for however many seasons he has left, every single one of his actions will be scrutinized by the media and baseball fans. If he plays as well as he did before this steroid business came out, people will assume he’s still using drugs. But that’s not what he’s concerned about.

What’s he really worried about is how he will play without the help of drugs. He wouldn’t be the man everything thought he was—he might actually just be an average baseball player. And when he starts playing as an average baseball player, everyone will realize that his former self was just an illusion built on a foundation of performance-enhancing drugs and lies.

So rather than face the possibility of having his mediocre skills coming out in a public forum (like a baseball field), he’d rather cough it up to his injuries and threaten retirement because the media forced him to. But deep down inside that’s his easy way out of a mess he put himself in.

But it is just easier to blame the media for your downfall, rather than take responsibility for your own foolish judgment. Just like Milli Vanilli when they won the Grammy, Barry Bonds should have realized that the minute he reached a climax in his career, his credibility as a baseball player was going to be reexamined under a microscope.

For lack of better things to discuss…

Making of the Band 3 is such a terrible show. I don’t even know how MTV could even bother to bring back a third installment of the program considering how the bands that were created ended up faring.

Let’s recap:

Making of the Band 1 was managed by Lou Perlman, the “genious” brainchild behind both Backstreet Boys and N’Sync. In an effort to ride the wave that he essentially created, he comes up with O-Town.

Who?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Making of the Band 2 enlisted Puff Daddy as the new manager of his band. He chose to create the antithesis of a boy band: a rap ensemble with a cast of characters that represented all stereotypes of the hip-hop lifestyle. These people were gangstas, and rapped about the hard knock lives they had suffered growing up in the projects. The band was aptly named Da Band.

(Gee, I wonder what inspired that spark of creativity.)

And while you may think it’s because you’re unhip that you’ve never heard of them, Puff Daddy actually ended up disbanding Da Band (haha, get it?) because they just didn’t appreciate the silver platter he had served them with.

(However, I personally think it was just a publicity stunt. Most of the artists from Da Band are still currently signed with Bad Boy, and working on solo projects.)

Now it’s Making of the Band 3, and Puff Daddy is back with a new project. I originally thought that the third part of this never-ending saga would focus on the two members of Da Band that Puff Daddy did keep: Babs and Ness. He announced that he was planning on making them the “Bonnie and Clyde” of the hip-hop world. But aside from seeing them in Mase’s video “Welcome Back,” I don’t think they’re much closer to conquering the rap industry than they were when they were living at home.

Now Puffy wants to create an all-girl group, and he’s already started making cuts from his auditionees. It is a doomed project for various reasons, but in terms of programming this truly is a heinous show to watch.

The girls can sing, but if Puffy is intending on making his group visually appealing, then he should fire the subordinants he hired to pick his girls. Most of them are overweight, and enough of them can’t dance. Puffy himself wasn’t pleased with any of the girls he saw, but was forced to give them a chance because, well, he’s under a contract with MTV.

The girls are just whiny and annoying to watch. They cry and bicker and everything is all about “me, me, me.” And there appears to be a need for common sense, especially when one of the girls (the only Asian girl, for that matter) openly admitted to using the group to jumpstart her solo career.

Hello? Remember Misty from Making of the Band 2? Her desire for a solo career is what got her ass booted from the show.

My predictions for this band are that they will follow in the footsteps of the bands before them: meaning, they’ll go nowhere. And I have proof to backup this hypothesis:

It’s Dream! Puff Daddy’s first girl group that he complied when the boy band/Britney Spears phase was hot and heavy. They had 2 songs that were played on the radio, and then poof! It really was all a dream, girls!

Bottom line: You can make a hot band just as easily as you can fall in love on television. It’s just not happening. The industry won’t consider it a bonafide group, and neither will the music-loving public. It’s only fun to watch shows like Making of the Band and American Idol for the cuts. Plain and simple. After that, expect to see the winners on Surreal Life.

I need help with something.

This is what the streets look like from my apartment:

As you can see, it an average street.

This is what it looks like when there are cars on the street. The green car wants to make a left turn, and has to wait for the light to turn green. The red car also wants to make a left, and has to wait for oncoming traffic to clear. The yellow car wants to make a right, and also only has to wait for oncoming traffic to clear.

The Problem:

Let’s denote my car with “S”. I want to make a left turn, and have to wait for the light. The red car wants to make a left, and does so when traffic is clear. Although this bastard red car wants to go to the right side of the apartment complex, it chooses to drive into me–forcing me to backup–even though there is more than enough space for it to avoid me.

This yellow car wants to make a right in order to go to the right side of the apartment complex.  I want to make a left, and need to wait for the light. Again, lots of space next to me, but the car chooses to drive into me–forcing me to backup and give it space.

Now I am far away from the turn lanes in order to avoid any cars that might turn into me. But to no avail, even when I am backed far, far away from where I would normally be, yellow and red cars both drive into me. I still have to backup even though both cars had enough space to drive anywhere but into me.

So what the hell? These cars clearly have tons of room to make their necessary turns without driving into me head-first, but the drivers somehow insist that where I am sitting is the best turning spot. I can’t stray too far from the left turn lane because then I’ll just get cut off by other cars who want to make left turns. So where am I supposed to wait? A, B, or C? I’ve done them all and almost every time I run into the same problem.

Is it me? Do I lack left turn etiquette?

I recieved Xenosaga as a gift, but I can’t play it anytime soon because my cat bit through my last PS2 controller last night. That would make it a total of 5 controllers he has ruined in only 3 months.

Cat Destruction Inventory

2 Laptop AC Adapters

5 PS2 Controllers

1 Set of Computer Speakers

3 Telephone Cords

1 Video/Audio PS2 Cable

1 Keyboard Adapter

1 Gameboy AC Adapter

It’s sad that I even have a list to begin with. I’ve been reduced to having to cover my wires and cords up with these wire protectors that are usually used in heavy duty construction and auto repair. It looks tacky having these fat protectors tangled up under my desk and hanging from my television. But that’s life for someone who is obsessed with cuteness.

I missed the special news report on furries and plushies. If you’ve not heard of it—then good! It’s disturbing and awesomely nasty! I only wanted to watch the program because I couldn’t believe how weird some people are! No offense to you those of you who like to have sex with stuffed animals—however, you have to admit, it’s kind of icky. Whoops, just gave it away!

I know about 60% of you will google “furries plushies” after you read this. The other 40% won’t even get this far down my entry—damn you skimmers.