What’s the deal with lame ass, party picture captions that state the obvious? It’s usually something like:

“Me Hanging Out With Fine Girlies #1, #2, and #3! Damn! I’m fizzaded!”

No shit, Sherlock! Why don’t you tell me other pertinent information I need to know but didn’t, such as their hair color and what they’re wearing? Or did you forget that I could totally tell by the picture, and the millions more like them, that you’ve defaced your Xanga with?

This aggravates me like a bad hemmaroid. People put up a bunch of pictures of themselves, surrounded by girls who would not hang out with them unless the girls were so drunk they couldn’t tell the difference between their own faces and a pile of shit…and then, because the poster knows the general public is aware that he is only getting girls because everyone is drunk, he tries to play it off by captioning the picture with their genders–as if to say, “Yeah, they really are girls!”

And then those pictures are followed by more pictures of the same asshole taking shots and describing the pictures with, “I’m taking shot #100!” Screw you. Tell me something I can’t already tell from looking at your dumbass photos of your dumbass self.

Captions are lame if they state the obvious. Tell us something interesting…a picture is worth a thousand words if you say something that no one else knows just by looking at it…for instance:

“Dude…Slut #1’s got syphilis, Slut #2 is my sister, and Slut #3 has a penis! I’m fizzaded!”

That caption kicks total ass! I would look at everyone’s pictures if they had captions like those!

I’m on a mission to get my Xanga onto the “Featured Content” module on the Xanga front page. Just to get an idea of what kind of special essence a Xangan needs to be featurned on this illustrious module, I have sampled some of the blogs that are currently worthy enough of being shown.

www.xanga.com/hot_Gansta626

Umm…this Xanga totally sucks. It’s written by some child in New York (although I think he’s really in Arcadia and doesn’t know it because he’s stupid), and I seriouly have no idea what the hell he wrote that garnered him 168 “gansta propz” and 105 “boricua letterzs.” By the way, that “letterzs” is bad spelling…spelled badly. Bad enough he decided to replace the s in “letters” with a “z” because I suppose pretending to be an idiot who can’t spell is hip and with-it with the kids. But to add another “s” to “letterz”…? No comment.

www.xanga.com/SuE_X

This site doesn’t exist…so why is it featured on “Featured Content” when it doesn’t have, you know, content. Maybe the web masters are just using this girl’s site as an example of what happens to Xangas that suck ass and are boring.

www.xanga.com/dragonsnaps

This dude wrote an entire entry about HOW OFTEN HE HAD TO CHANGE HIS CLOTHES. And wait! That’s not the best part! He even learned how to tie a tie! Amazing! Best entry I have ever read! 41 dumbasses left him a comment.

www.xanga.com/AdOrkable_Lind4

This is a site by a girl who really thinks she’s pretty but isn’t. She has lots of pictures of her ugly ass self up, and her entries are full of these little, memorable gems such as:

 just came believe people been break`ing up … and it look like there love is soo damn strong.. *shakes head* i guess u just never know wats going to happpen.. welps.. as long me and my hubby still together.. all dat matter`s … hehe

Really? That’s all “dat matter’s,” huh? As opposed to being able to spell properly and use correct punctuation. And I, too, “just came believe people been break’ing up.” Isn’t it tragic? Wish people would stop “cameing” when their “love is soo damn strong.” (The f*ck does a 14 year old know about love anyway? It’s not love if he doesn’t have money.)

I am totally enlightened! In order for me to be featured on “Featured Content” I need to be really boring, have an ugly Xanga filled with pictures of myself, and write about b.s. that no one cares about, but comment on anyway because they’re comment whores fishing for props back. If only I had known!

I am so, so, so not interested in reading anyone’s Xanga but my own.

Because I’m a snob and don’t like reading about what people had for lunch.

Honestly folks, what the hell is it with writing about what you did that makes you think someone like me, who probably doesn’t know you very well, wants to read it? Do I care that you bought your skirt there? Or that you got your nails done with your not-so-hot-but-you-think-she-is best friend? No. In fact, that’s extraneous information that I could definitely live without because I truly believe that bad Xanga entries cause diarrhea.

“Oh, but Sylvia? What makes you think you’re that much more interesting when you don’t even update?”

I think I’m doing a social service by not telling you what I do every day. Because you see, I do the same damn thing all the time: I read law books that are boring as hell, and summarize cases so I can prepare myself for getting bitch slapped by a professor. Yes, you so wanted to know that.

No, I’d rather read about what you did at the club last night, and see all the pictures of your friends in the same poses twenty times. Wait, do I sense deja vu here? Oh yeah, it’s because your last entry was also about a club, and featured the same pictures and friends. Get a life.

Maybe I’m jealous. Yes, that’s it. I’m jealous of everyone who goes out, gets wasted, ends up peeing behind a wall or throwing up on themselves, blah blah blah. Being a homebody never got a person anywhere, right?

I’m sorry, but I just don’t validate my existence by trying to be a member of the typical LA scene. What the hell does that do for me? I hate clubs because I hate the people that frequent them. I hate parties because I think everyone at the party is a poser trying to be some hardcore gangster when we all know they still live at home and need to borrow money from their parents.

And don’t get me started on the fat ass hoes who parade around in mini skirts and pieces of cloth around their boobs…because cellulite is all the rage, isn’t it? What better show of nonconformity than to gain 100 pounds in a city that totally prides itself on beautiful, trendy people. Your individuality is hot! Yeah, break me off a piece of that gut.

I am a bitch. I don’t care. Reading boring Xangas makes me this way. Better that I say it here than act like one of those turds who comment on another person’s site and tries to affect change in them. As if I am really going to be compelled by your comment because you had the balls to leave me an bad one. I’m just going to erase it and go to bed with the knowledge that I managed to piss another person off enough to get them to waste their time to even leave comment to begin with. Go me! I’m kick ass.

By all accounts, I think G4 Tech TV’s little awards show–aptly named “G-Phoria”–is incredibly lame. Maybe because the “celebrities” it boasts as attendees are on the B or C-lists of Hollywood, or maybe it’s because none of the games that win awards are worthy of their category (uhh Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic being the best RPG of the year? While you’re at it, why not also give an award to Taco Bell for having the best Mexican food in America?). I can’t really say what it is, but watching it reminds me of other sell-out awards shows like the MTV Movie Awards or VH1’s Fashion Awards (wonder if they still have that gem…)

As far as the celebrities (if you can call them that) go, most of them are just using G-Phoria’s airtime as some sort of catalyst to hopefully better things. I mean, if it’s hosted by Wilmer Valderrama (everyone is like, “Who?” He’s Lindsay Lohan’s exboyfriend…listen to the road of a million “Ahhh’s”) then you can tell that the creators were desperately hoping that some of Hollywood’s glitz crosses-over. Cha-Ching! That’s the sound of selling out! Considering the target audience for this program, G4’s program hosts are probably better known and more suitable than the guy who plays Fez on That 70’s Show. Hello? I love Morgan Webb! Bring me some Adam Sessler!

To further strengthen my belief that any celebrity that shows up at G-Phoria has no experience playing video games and doesn’t know what the hell G4 even is, consider an interview I just saw between two hosts and Donald Faison (he plays Turk on Scrubs—one of the best shows on television!). When asked which game Mr. Faison thinks should win, the actor replies:

“Man, I love Pac-Man. I think Pac-Man should win, but I don’t think she’s nominated. Pac-Man, Mr. Pac-Man, and the whole family should win.”

Shhh…brief moment of silence as I ponder the complete ignorance this man showed on national television.

First of all, Pac-Man is a man—hence the name Pac-Man. And given that it doesn’t make sense to name a woman Pac-Man, how much more sense would it make to name another character Mr. Pac-Man? That’s like a nervous twitch that comes out someone’s mouth, “Uhh…Mr. Man Sir!”

This was a complete lie on Mr. Faison’s part. Had he not been on Scrubs, a show I admire and respect, I would have said much meaner things about him here–like how he’s a bad liar and should have just stayed at home like all the other good C-listers.

Isn’t that proof that G-Phoria takes the cake for jumping the shark? Pandering to the masses rather than catering to the faithful followers that helped keep the channel alive is more than an insult–it’s a complete fallacy. Rather have a host and guest presenters from within the video gaming industry, G4 sinks to a low that often comes with the entertainment business: whoring. Perhaps next year Yu-Gi-Oh will win as Best Sports Game, the show will be hosted by Chris Rock’s fourth cousin.

G-Phoria isn’t good for anything except being fodder for a bitter person’s Xanga.

I don’t understand how some of the cartoons shown on Adult Swim are the same cartoons that are shown to young children in Japan.

In case you don’t know, the cartoons shown on Adult Swim are geared more towards mature audiences. There is more violence, gore, and sexual content. It’s a far cry from Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, and thus is shown at late night when the kids are supposed to be asleep.

But that’s in America. In Japan, most of these cartoons are standard fanfare for young kids. Because they’re animated, contain outlandish and unrealistic situations, and are simple enough for underdeveloped minds to grasp, it is labeled as being suitable for children. Cartoons = kids (usually.)

Consider Full Metal Alchemist. I know that stuff is shown after school for the Japanese kids to watch after they finish their 11 hour days. But here it’s shown at ten at night. I don’t consider it very violent, but there are limbs that become torn off every now and then. And there are also some nasty innuendos, but those are very few and very far between. But it’s still a cartoon—about a boy with mechanical limbs and his brother, whose soul is trapped in a suit of armor. Tell me that entices you to go and copy the violence portrayed in the series.

If Japan shows a cartoon at 7:00 PM for the kids to watch, but the same cartoon is aired late at night in America—what does that mean? Does it mean Japan is less responsible about which messages bombard their youth, or does it mean that America has no faith in a child’s ability to percieve fact from fiction? Right from wrong? Is censorship necessarily beneficial?

I watch a lot of cartoons that would be aired on Adult Swim—that’s the F.O.B in me—and I think it’s a little unfair that certain Japanese cartoons are under such scruntiny just because their content is racier than most Americans are used to. But if you think about American cartoons, they are just as naughty and violent except that we have a tendency to downplay the maturity levels by using animals instead of actual people. Duck Tails, for instance, had these ducks walking around without pants on. That’s pornography! That should be wrong! And then that greedy ass Scrooge McDuck, swimming in his dirty money and spitting it out—you might as well teach a child to lick a subway station urinal.

And Donald Duck keeps getting blown up. And the Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers crash their makeshift walnut airplane into the ground. Then all the members of Tiny Toons have been hit over the head with a blunt object at one point. But is that violent? No, because they’re animals that talk and wear clothes.

(Yet none of them wear pants.)

I guess the real problem is that parents of bad children do not want to admit that they’re children are bad—so they blame cartoons and video games and movies. Bad children will continue to be bad on their own accord. Good children will also be good on their own. It is a conscious choice not based on what they see on television, but what they experience in their own living, breathing environment.

So yeah…more Japanese cartoons during the day! Less American crap (like the oh so terrible Carmen Sandiego cartoon) during any hours people are awake!