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By all accounts, I think G4 Tech TV’s little awards show–aptly named “G-Phoria”–is incredibly lame. Maybe because the “celebrities” it boasts as attendees are on the B or C-lists of Hollywood, or maybe it’s because none of the games that win awards are worthy of their category (uhh Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic being the best RPG of the year? While you’re at it, why not also give an award to Taco Bell for having the best Mexican food in America?). I can’t really say what it is, but watching it reminds me of other sell-out awards shows like the MTV Movie Awards or VH1’s Fashion Awards (wonder if they still have that gem…)

As far as the celebrities (if you can call them that) go, most of them are just using G-Phoria’s airtime as some sort of catalyst to hopefully better things. I mean, if it’s hosted by Wilmer Valderrama (everyone is like, “Who?” He’s Lindsay Lohan’s exboyfriend…listen to the road of a million “Ahhh’s”) then you can tell that the creators were desperately hoping that some of Hollywood’s glitz crosses-over. Cha-Ching! That’s the sound of selling out! Considering the target audience for this program, G4’s program hosts are probably better known and more suitable than the guy who plays Fez on That 70’s Show. Hello? I love Morgan Webb! Bring me some Adam Sessler!

To further strengthen my belief that any celebrity that shows up at G-Phoria has no experience playing video games and doesn’t know what the hell G4 even is, consider an interview I just saw between two hosts and Donald Faison (he plays Turk on Scrubs—one of the best shows on television!). When asked which game Mr. Faison thinks should win, the actor replies:

“Man, I love Pac-Man. I think Pac-Man should win, but I don’t think she’s nominated. Pac-Man, Mr. Pac-Man, and the whole family should win.”

Shhh…brief moment of silence as I ponder the complete ignorance this man showed on national television.

First of all, Pac-Man is a man—hence the name Pac-Man. And given that it doesn’t make sense to name a woman Pac-Man, how much more sense would it make to name another character Mr. Pac-Man? That’s like a nervous twitch that comes out someone’s mouth, “Uhh…Mr. Man Sir!”

This was a complete lie on Mr. Faison’s part. Had he not been on Scrubs, a show I admire and respect, I would have said much meaner things about him here–like how he’s a bad liar and should have just stayed at home like all the other good C-listers.

Isn’t that proof that G-Phoria takes the cake for jumping the shark? Pandering to the masses rather than catering to the faithful followers that helped keep the channel alive is more than an insult–it’s a complete fallacy. Rather have a host and guest presenters from within the video gaming industry, G4 sinks to a low that often comes with the entertainment business: whoring. Perhaps next year Yu-Gi-Oh will win as Best Sports Game, the show will be hosted by Chris Rock’s fourth cousin.

G-Phoria isn’t good for anything except being fodder for a bitter person’s Xanga.