I have never used drugs…other than prescription medication prescribed directly to me by my doctor (Rush Limbaugh, you dirty bastard)…I’ve also never smoked before in my life. Except for the poppyseed muffins I had a few years ago, I’m 100% Drug Free…

But why am I so fortunate in this day and age of fornication and rampant substance abuse? I never got a “don’t do drugs” speech from my parents…but I did pass “D.A.R.E” in the 7th grade…not that I remember any of it…so I guess that doesn’t count.

I actually attribute my clean slate to my vanity. Pure and simple: I am so into my looks that I chose not to do drugs because I didn’t want to look like them:

Before and After Meth User Photos

There is nothing wrong with being thin, but there is when it is coupled with gaunt complexions and facial lesions.

That’s right…I stayed drug and smoke free, not because I wanted to be healthy, but because I didn’t want to look like a horrible mess of skin, stank, and broken blisters. That’s not a good look for anyone…unless your name is Flavor Flav. Because apparently, as long as you have some money and a VH1 camera crew in tow, you can have a massive herpes outbreak all over your body and you’d still get decent looking women. Albeit thick women…but to each his own.

My reason for being an Ideal Citizen is pretty bad…it kind of misses the point of all those public service announcements and after school specials: drugs can kill you, smoking doesn’t make you look cool, crack is whack…etc. But then again, I might have been ahead of my time.

Children nowadays are wrapped up in being adults…not just regular adults, but worshipped adults who set pop culture precedents (those Bratz dolls aren’t helping). And I think as long as children believe that being Paris Hilton is a career option, they’re less apt to care about the consequences of certain actions—like using drugs–and more about being a stupid used-up coochie woman who can’t talk her way about a DUI.

But what if you tell them that if they use drugs, they’ll end up looking more like Freddy Krueger than Freddie Prinze Junior (that was the only name I could come up with, okay)? With all those potholes and scabs on his face…facial deformities a prom king not maketh. And if you want to be sex symbol, you can’t go around looking like you’re necrophiliac bait.

See, hearing that makes my unborn child not want to use drugs either (because she is vain like me…even in egg form). It’s much more effective than “your days are numbered if you smoke meth Arr!”

NBC should seriously consider me for a PSA.