absolutangel64

After mulling it over, I’ve decided to become much more proactive in finding myself the perfect mate. I’m getting tired of waiting for “fate” and “destiny” to do their jobs, and I am no longer interested in those casual flings that all too often end up going nowhere. It’s time I really get serious about finding someone who I know will enrich my life with love and laughter.

I’m looking for a new Gay Best Friend (GBF).

So why am I looking specifically for a “Gay” best friend and not just any regular ol’ best friend? Because I have always gotten along really well with gay people. My best friend in high school was gay, my college roommate was a lesbian, the first person I ever really cared to talk to in law school is a lesbian, etc. I just love hanging out with the gays. They have always been way more open, honest, and accepting than us straight folks, and less work is needed to get on their good sides. As long as you don’t hate on them, you’re in and you pretty much stay there.

However, not any gay will do. There are just some traits that I need more than others and therefore I do have requirements for this highly esteemed position. These have been outlined in a diagram which obviously reflects my artistic prowess:

Yes, my ideal gay is actually a fused version of several famous gays.

First of all, my GBF should have a great sense of style like Tim Gunn from “Project Runway.” If you watch the show, you’ve noticed that he’s always dressed well (albeit usually in a dark-colored suit) and has impeccable taste for women’s fashion. I definitely need someone like this because I have no taste in fashion…except homeless fashion.

Secondly, my GBF should be really caring and sweet like Ross the Intern. Watching him on “Celebrity Fit Club,” he was clearly the nicest person on the show, but that did not mean he wouldn’t put you in your place if you were wrong. However, he used sugar-coated confrontation tactics, which is a lot easier to handle than a regular b*tch slap to the self-esteem. I take very well to being sweetly criticized; criticism presented a different way results in me becoming an evil, chainsaw wielding sasquatch—i.e. you will die before I listen.

Then, my GBF should like gossiping and making fun of people behind their backs. I’m all about exchanging information, especially useless information about a person’s personal life. When someone eats sh*t, I want to know everything about it. With embellishments…and background info…and future predictions. That’s my idea of a good conversation.

Finally, my GBF will need to be like 3 of the 5 “Queer Eye” guys. I only need the shopping, cooking, and personal hygiene characteristics so that I have someone to call in case I needed input on something. I don’t need the music guy, but maybe I’ll need the interior decorater guy after I get married and need help furnishing my mansion. But that’s another story.

Anyway, if you’re an interested gay (sorry, no bisexuals) feel free to contract my secretary, Mr. Eprops. In the meantime, I’ll be hitting up the fabulous West Hollywood.