absolutangel64

I have to confess something to you all. Although I’ve been portraying myself as a 26 year-old woman, the truth is I am a 62 year-old dude. There, I’ve said it. I am actually a man. I have an atom’s apple, a huge dong, and a pair of tentacles. I am totally manly.

That was supposed to be my April Fool’s joke, but I couldn’t post because I went blind after seeing pictures of that disgusting FIA president playing with his hookers. And let me tell you: I have never once, in my entire life, ever regretted being born…but I do now that I know what wrinkly, old man ass crack looks like in a thong. Acid! Where is my acid?! I must soothe my eyes!

I chose the “I’m a dude” joke because I know that some people would have believed it regardless of my purposeful malapropisms. For some reason, out of all the questions I have been asked on Xanga, the one that comes up most is “you’re not really a girl, right?” The second most common question is “you’re really a man, huh?”

Not sure how most girls would react when strangers inquire about the existence of their vaginas, but I love being asked because it gives me the opportunity to say “va-jay-jay” and “hey-naner-naner.” I don’t care what anyone says: if you get the chance to say those phrases without looking like a wart bag turd, you take it. (I should totally write fortune cookies.)

However, I’m becoming increasingly curious as to how you can determine someone’s gender based on the text in their blogs. Being that I am the spokesperson for my fallopian tubes, ovaries, and uterus, I thought everything that came out of my mouth was unquestionably feminine. Seriously, what’s more girly than telling you that a woman’s period smells like a seafood buffet? And that yeast infections are insanely itchy and smell like death?

Unfortunately, this vast knowledge is not enough to prove I’ve got taco, so I did some research into what makes a blog “girly”–but by “research” I mean that I asked other people to find out for me (I’m not going to read them on my own, are you kidding me?! Those posts are chock full of gibberish like “whatevs” and “lates”!). They listed several characteristics, but the most common ones were: relationship problems, dieting, and fashion…coincidentally, the most wer-wer topics in the universe.

I’m definitely not above discussing those things, but I would rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail than write about them. 

With relationship problems, I am not someone who finds solace in typing them out. In fact, I actually end up feeling worse because I’ll have thought about the issues multiple times in order to reduce them to text. And I don’t want to relive the time I kicked some guy’s ass with a cactus because he beat me in “Bust A Move.” It was my favorite plant! *cry*

As far as dieting and fashion are concerned: I eat junk food and live in my sleep clothes, the end. What is that? Like a Mini-Pulse? It’s not worth the two seconds it takes to read it.

Is there anything else that makes a girly blog? Because so far it’s looking like the only thing I can rely on is my profile picture.