absolutangel64

I learned something fairly interesting this past weekend: some people at my law school have been passing rumors about me being some kind of ho. I couldn’t believe it: people actually know I exist?! That’s amazing! No, it really is because I only have classes 3 days a week; I’m not in any student organizations; and I don’t go to school events. I am so unnoticeable that people have actually gone entire semesters without realizing I was even in their class. But I suppose that’s expected since I tend to keep to myself whenever I’m at school–hence why after 3 years I’ve only made 4 or 5 friends (might have something to do with my “frigid b*tch” look–but I can’t help that it’s my normal face!).  

Thus, there is no reason why I should have any reputation—but I do, and I have a theory why: I am too boring to actually be boring. It’s kind of like how some people react when they see happy couples: they’re too happy to actually be happy, and therefore they must be hiding some major drama. Similarly, my boringness is so extreme that it must be a façade I use to mask my true nature: ho-bag.

Naturally, I can’t help but feel a little irritated that some people think I’m slutty. I mean, come on now! That is so bland! I waited an insanely long time for my name to get into the rumor mill, and when I finally make it my reward is the completely unoriginal skank label? That sh*t is totally unacceptable!

I’m definitely not going to allow being relegated to a second-class citizen because I know I deserve way better than what I’m getting. Therefore! I will take matters into my own hands by infiltrating the gossip monger circles and planting juicy tidbits about myself. None of this sissy “she’s a ho/slut/skank” bullsh*t! That stuff is for amateurs!

If people are going to gossip about me, it better be worth hearing. So my goal is to make sure that when anyone mentions my name, it is in regards to one of the following rumors:

I poop live abalone (which makes me the obvious key to world hunger).

Dane Cook’s sense of humor is hidden in my anus.

I had an orgy with the entire Xanga Team, Dikembe Mutombo, and an ear of corn.

By day I am a law school student; by night I am Chuck Norris.

I hold the world record for deadliest ass gas.

The guy who played Mr. Belvedere is not dead; I actually ate him (which I guess means he’s dead).

I am John’s secret love child.

Anything less and I will start beating some ass with my fist–and I mean the one hidden under my beard. Yeah, I’m that serious.