This is a nightmare no one should have to experience! And yet, people today–in this advanced society of ours–still suffer the cruel and wholly undeserved punishment that is the Toilet-Paperless Toilet Paper Roll!

Unfortunately, the long-held belief that we have wiped this evil off the anus of the Earth is nothing more than a fiction, based on the false sense of security that all toilet paper users live and die by a basic tenet:

You kill the roll, you get some mo’!

Or:

You deplete the supply, you replace the ply.

Or:

If the core is exposed, you replenish the rolls.

Regardless of which principle guides your life, the message is the same: the one who uses the last square of toilet paper has to replace the bare roll with a new one. It’s more than just a common courtesy: it’s our fate; the fate our ancestors chose for us when they decided to create an easier way to clean their butts–since waiting for their poop to dry in the sun and eventually fall off in clumps took too long…and, you know, all those nasty flies…

Now, I know there are a few people who are reading this and thinking I’m full o’ crazy–but they are habitual Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers whose very existences have prevented the human race from totally eradicating the Toilet-Paperless-Toilet-Paper-Roll problem (i.e., just ignore them). All they think about when they use up that last square of tissue is how inconvenient it would be for them to have to replace the bare roll with a new one: they’d have to physically move to wherever the stash of rolls is located, pick one up, move back to the toilet paper dispenser, remove the empty roll, and then, after all that hard labor, attach the new roll. The entire process could take as long as two minutes! Who has the luxury of having that kind of free time?

Apparently, the next person who has to go does…because, I mean, you’re already going to the bathroom…and it only takes two minutes to refill the dispenser anyway.

You know what also takes two minutes? Flinging my dump in your face. Since you made it difficult for me to maintain an acceptable level of personal hygiene, I might as well go all the way by picking up my own waste and throwing it around.

*Awkward silence* …Okay, fine, I’m just saying that for the sake of making a point, but I think you understand where I’m coming from. I don’t like putting off my trip to the bathroom to get a new roll of toilet paper when I wasn’t the one who used up the first roll. Yes, I know I’m complaining about a task that is simple and minimally burdensome, but that doesn’t mean it is immune from concepts of fairness. I didn’t kill the roll, but I still have to get some mo’? Hello! I have to use the bathroom! That makes it automatically more inconvenient for me to deal with the Toilet-Paperless-Toilet-Paper-Roll problem than it is for someone who doesn’t have to go.

And don’t get me started on the Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers who try to avoid refilling the toilet paper by leaving, like, three squares on the roll. Only two squares are actually usable since the last one is practically glued to the core and turns to shreds if you try to get it off. What the hell am I supposed to do with those? Stick them to my butt and hope for the best?

My dream is to someday be able to live in a world where everyone who uses up the roll of toilet paper will replace it with a new one. And I know we can achieve this if we work together…on something. I actually haven’t thought of what our united front would be doing to accomplish total eradication of the Toilet-Paperless Toilet Paper Roll, but I know it will include beating Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers with rubber hoses.

I’ve never been a big fan of the social networking site. I’ll cop to it: I love blogging and I bleed Xanga, and my loyalty makes me biased. Whenever I have free time, it usually goes towards my blog—I’m either writing a new post, rewriting the post, getting really frustrated because I’m rewriting the freaking post again and it still doesn’t sound right, or drawing a Paint picture to go with the now tired-ass post that has been rewritten, like, 7 times before it’s made public.

Blogging is an arduous and very time-consuming task, but most creative processes are and will continue to be that way…unless my wish to have super-creative-writing-in-seconds talent comes true. I’ve been wishing on a lot of stars, my friends, but those balls of gas are extremely cheap or something because they keep ignoring my requests. Granted, most of the stars turn out to be planes—but give me a break! I’m in Los Angeles, people; I’m lucky to be able to see anything underneath the smog cover.

My online time goes towards my Xanga, with the most important aspect being the writing itself. The profile was really the last thing I worked on because I consider it to be just an accessory for my blog. It’s there for people who are really, really bored, so you’re not missing out on anything if you never see it.

I view the social networking site as a blog-less Xanga, i.e., pointless. You put up pictures of yourself, talk about your likes and dislikes, and then let it sit there for other people to view. That’s not to say I don’t use the sites. Whenever I hear a lot of news about the newest trend in the social networking world, I’ll create a profile to see what all the hype is about. I’ve tried Friendster, MySpace, and now am on Facebook because that’s where the migration has been heading. My profiles are fairly basic, and will eventually be abandoned, because again, there is no blogging aspect and therefore no reason for me to devote any more time on it.

The abandoning phase of the Facebook account may come sooner than anticipated because a few people on my “Friends” list have gotten dumped by their boyfriends or girlfriends, and have responded by putting up really lame and pathetic status updates for everyone to see. I’m talking about crap like this:

X really wishes he could take it all back…

Y will never believe in love ever again.

Z don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone?

I find the last one most annoying. The little Facebook status module looks like this:

The little cartoon speech bubble is asking you: “what are you doing right now?” and your response is you’re doing a Joni Mitchell lyric. Okay…

Anyway, the emo status updates, no matter who they are written by, are all created out of the same formula: overly-exaggerated descriptions of a broken heart that are directed at someone who is never mentioned, but whom everyone knows is the writer’s ex.

This crap is loserish on so many levels. First of all, the dumpee is posting these lame-ass status updates for their ex to see, which makes no sense whatsoever. Does he think that by showcasing how much pain he is in, his ex will change her mind and get back into the relationship? Why would she even care? She is the one who dumped you in the first place, you asshat. She doesn’t care how much sadder you make yourself sound because she expected you to feel like dirt in the first place.

Secondly, whatever happened to maintaining one’s cool after getting dumped? I thought people tried to downplay the humiliation of getting kicked to the curb by acting totally unfazed by it. If anything, you do it to give your ex the impression that you weren’t that much into him or her in the first place. That way, your ex loses whatever ego boost he may have had when he thought you were miserable without him, and you get to preserve your dignity.

It’s not that hard–and yet, you’d rather take the route of publicizing your pussification? You deserve to be single! 

People say “ass load” when they are describing something they have a lot of, which is fine and all, but I don’t think it works so well when you’re talking about food:

Classmate: Hey, I went to Costco and got an ass load of Oreos. You want some?
 
Me: Um, no thanks. I’m kind of…yeah.
 
Classmate: You sure? ‘Cause I’ve got an ass load of them.
 
Me: Yeah, I’m not really into Oreos. 
 
I lied when I said I didn’t like Oreos. I actually love Oreos, especially the “Double Stuf” ones. Mmm…! I love dipping them in milk until the cookie part turns to mush, preferably Mush Level 6. That’s when the Oreo has become soggy enough that some cookie particles start crumbling off, but not to the point where half the cookie sinks to the bottom. It sounds easy, but the timing aspect of getting a Mush Level 6 Oreo is not to be taken lightly. The second you allow doubt to creep into your mind is the second you find yourself face-to-face with a semi-crunchy Oreo or, worse, Oreo mash. *nightmares*
 
What was I talking about again? Oh right, Oreos. Yes, I love them. But I wasn’t going to take any from this guy after he said he had an “ass load of them.” That just conjured up this disgusting image of him with his ass full of Butt Oreos, and a bunch of elves working in his anus at the Sphincter Cookie Factory.

Sick…although, I bet that’s something you’d see at one of those weird art shows that feature stuff like a gigantic vagina made of Jell-O. And all the catering staff would be bent over with deviled eggs or crab wontons in their asses, and no one would think there was anything unsanitary about eating food from a server’s butt because, hey, it’s an art show!

Food and ass don’t mix, unless the food is exiting. Beyond that, I don’t want an ass load of anything.