Valentine’s Day is coming up in less than a week, and it’s got me thinking: remember that post I’d written a few years back about how I’d use tired-ass reality television show formulas to pick a potential Valentine’s Day date? I’d have a bunch of guys go through horrible Survivor-type challenges and have their performances judged by three-person panels, and then end each day with a Rose Ceremony elimination segment—except instead of roses, the guys will get kittens.
Recent events have made it apparent that some of the challenges I’d come up with in that post were ones that bordered on being cruel and unusual punishment—namely, the “Take the Bar Exam in One Day” challenge. F*ck that. Nothing in this world is worth going through that misery—especially not a date with me. And plus, it has occurred to me that the guys could end up killing themselves before the end of the day, which would be totally counterproductive considering it’s a dating show and not, I don’t know, a murder melee.
I’d definitely drop the bar exam challenge, and would probably replace it with a “Name that Kitty” quiz instead. But the guy would have to do more than just be able to name my 3 cats—although, that would probably be enough of a challenge since surprisingly, very, very few people have been able to accomplish this. That’s just sad. There are only 3 of them, and they all look different! Come on!
Anyway, my idea of a “Name that Kitty” challenge would be to throw 3 similar looking cats together, and have the guy pick which one of the 3 is the real one:
By the way, trick questions are fair game.
The “Contraction Matching” challenge stays. Everyone should consider sh*t grammar a deal-breaker.
I threw in the trap door because a lot of people suggested throwing the guys into a pit. I don’t know what would be going on down there, though, but it’d have to be something horrifying—like watching a “Hannah Montana” marathon or a few of the recent SNL episodes…Oh! You know what would be just the worst punishment ever? Watching movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels. Seriously. I bet that’s why the CIA went with waterboarding–because it was less tortuous than forcing people to watch “The Notebook.”
Honestly, though, the one thing that makes my jacked-up dating show idea even remotely appealing is having the Kitten Ceremony. And I’d make mine unbelievably kick ass—and chock-full of all the overused reality television show gimmicks no one can stand! Which is really the antithesis of kicking ass!
Tyra Banks Let-Me-State-The-Obvious Speech? Check!
Yes, his name is Mr. Porcuphine–because no reality TV dating show would be complete without sh*tty nicknames.
Cliff-hangery commercial break? Check!
Creative catch phrase? Check!
absolutangel64 
WIN
AHAHA the Tyra Banks thing was so funny. The whole thing is great.
Ah! you’ve got me all worried about my grammar now whenever I leave comments on your xanga!Much longer than usual, but the expression on their faces are priceless.
this is good.
Love this. Your catchphrase is the cat’s pajamas.
I want a kitten!!!!
Will you be my…Yeah right. LoL. Nice post.
Your blog always makes me laugh so hard 🙂 But cheesy dating shows are the best. Especially ones on VH1 and MTV.
I would watch this show. Especially if there was a character named “Mr. Cumma-Cumma-Cumma-Cumma-Cumma-Cha-Feel-Me-On”. Totally wins against “New York” in the creative names department, that’s for sure.
They have….Korean boy band hair! ahahahahahahaha
Loved it.@tenshii_rage – Hhahahaha! Totally.
Forget Valentine’s Day, it’s all about Chinese New Year!
haha… this is great. although your ideas seem far-fetched, i saw a reality dating show once that was filled with canned lines during the selection ceremony. i really wanted to kill myself after seeing it. also, i think you should revise that eliminating line. it should be more powerful and dramatic — “sorry to disappoint you, but there will be no pussy for you tonight. goodbye.”
People allergic to cats need not apply.
HahahaThis was very creative and humorous. I love it.Thanks for sharing!
no pussy for you..hahahahaha i loved that.. so damn creative. LOL totally made my day!
hahahahahahathis is hilarious!Definitely how I should go about eliminating the men in my life.
hahaha, props on your tuxes, they make those cartoon men look VERY sharp! And I love your face on the panel where the guy got the trick question wrong about Turnip being orange, LMAO!!!!
in the follow up season in “the bachelor”, you return to mr. porcupine pining for his attention and lust. you offer him your pussy, he in return offers a dirty sanchez instead.
That’s right. Challenge them FCC fuckers!
Cumma Cha Feel Me On ?! Success… hahahahahahah.
I’m worried about you.Happy Valentine’s
that made my day! thanks! good luck on the bar!
Can I be your awesomely awesome valentine’s date of awesomeness?
So sad. Had I gone on your show, you would have denied me your pussy.
You had me at “Wine me, dine me, 69 me.”
hahahahhaha
*tears* I was rooting for Mr. Porcuphine!This is priceless, by the way.Martha
Haha!!! Enjoy you V-Day… I’m hoping your pussies gets treated well.
will you accept my pussy?hah! hah! hah!”on the paws of love”
I should be the star of a dating show so I could have challenges like, write a ten page paper explaining Hobbes’ influence on the writing of Michael Bakunin.
See, I was almost sure that the surprise ending was gonna be that the two guys had fallen in love during the show and were going to run off together leaving you with your cat which would have been OK for you since you’d dodged that one so narrowly.I get these reality formulas all mixed up.
lol!!! the tyra’s stating the obvious part ahahahaa
This is so full of win!
=P
valentine’s day is overrated. love should be shown and given no matter what day it is.happy lunar new year!
I’d watch that over “The love of Ray J” or whatever anyday! The pussy thing? Brilliant! It is sure to be a VH1 smash hit!
1st) Why the hell wasn’t i invited on this game show?2nd) So Mr. Boy George got the pussy? Lucky bastard!
ahahahahaha 😛 how long did it take u to do the comic pictures