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I used to think that whoever came up with the “5 Second Rule” was an ass monger. Thanks to him, parents who were working hard to make sure there was food on the table were coming home to find their kids voluntarily eating stuff off the floor. And these weren’t the type of kids you’d find in a sponsor-a-child infomercial–you know, the ones who are shown living in squalid conditions and eating rocks. No, the kids who were sucked into believing the ridiculous “5 Second Rule” were those who were raised in non-Third World countries. I don’t know why, but that’s how it has always been. Impoverished nation with little food = unlikely to hear about the rule; wealthy nation with lots of food = impossible not to hear of the rule before the age of 10.
The thought of this guy’s stupid rule turning our future generations into garage eaters certainly warranted the title of “World’s Assiest Ass Monger,” but then I realized something: as young and impressionable as kids may be, only a small number of them actually believe the “5 Second Rule” is true. These are kids who believe in Santa Claus, and want to pursue a career as Spiderman; they can be tricked into going to the dentist (say he learned dentistry at Hogwarts) and eating vegetables (“eat your peas or else Pikachu will die!”), and have tried drinking gasoline after watching the “Transformers” movies. And yet, as innocent and unknowing as these children are, they aren’t gullible enough to believe that the “5 Second Rule” makes it okay to eat sh*t off the ground. Do you know this means? It means the “5 Second Rule” is really an ingenious way of testing a child’s intelligence! And the guy who came up with it isn’t just an ass monger–he’s a smart-ass ass monger! Children are typically exposed to the “5 Second Rule” like this:
What separates the smart kids from the dumb ones is the fact that the dumb ones need to see that the ground is actually filthy. They have to see the giant mucus ball someone spewed on the sidewalk, and the dog poop a jogger tracked in while on his morning run. These kids have to actually see how nasty the ground is before they realize the food they just dropped has become too tainted for consumption. The smart kids don’t need any visual evidence to know that the ground is a toxic cess pool. Once that cookie hits the floor, it’s over–and that’s not going to change no matter how quickly you were able to pick it up. If you have a dumb kid, do not despair: there is a way to save him from a life of retardedness, and it all starts with shaking up his belief system–the core of which is the “5 Second Rule.” Remember: the dumb kid believes in the rule because he has to see the ground is dirty before he figures out that the dropped food item is also dirty, so you will have to give him that visual. Step 1: Get some poop. Horse poop, dog poop–it doesn’t matter as long as it’s really stank and nasty. Oh, and make sure it’s peanut butter poopish–you know, a little squishy, but still solid enough to hold itself up in a pile.
Step 2: Get something the kid really loves to eat. Make sure the color contrasts from the color of the poop–e.g., don’t use a chocolate cupcake if the poop pile is also dark brown.
Step 3: Drop the food onto the poop pile, and let the lesson run its course.
That’s the best case scenario. In the off-chance that this should instead occur:
…Then you’ve got bigger things to worry about than the “5 Second Rule.”
Posted 6/18/2010 at 3:39 PM
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Hahaha… I ate stuff that had fallen on the kitchen floor before. Oh wells. The poo test would be hilarious though. |
Guess I’m “special.” 
absolutangel64 