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I need some serious advice about social etiquette. Here’s the scenario:
You’re walking down a hallway or sidewalk, and someone is coming towards you from the opposite direction. There isn’t anyone else nearby–it’s just you and this person whom you’ve never met before, and may never see again. Question: are you supposed to say “hi” to this person? That sounds like a dumb thing to ask, but I’m genuinely lost as to this bit of social etiquette. The thought of greeting every person I pass by seems really cheesy, but completely ignoring someone when we’re the only two people walking about seems really crappy, you know? Since I don’t know what the proper formalities are, I’ve been relying on several measures to help me avoid having to deal with the conundrum of deciding whether I should grace a stranger with a salutation, or walk by without acknowledging his existence. The methods vary, but they are all based on the same principle: notice prevention. You can’t debate saying “hi” to someone you don’t notice, right? So I figured all I have to do is make it seem as if I am too preoccupied with something else to notice the person who is walking towards me–that way, if I don’t give a greeting, I won’t come off as an impolite douche because the other person will see I’m too busy with whatever it is I’m doing. And if the social norm is to not require a greeting at all, well, then I just left the impression that I am a super busy person. Anyway, here are my methods: The Fake Cell Phone Call One of the methods I’ve used is the Fake Cell Phone Call routine. That’s pretty self-explanatory, right? You just put your phone up to your ear and start talking as if there’s someone on the other end of the line, when you’re really just having a conversation with yourself. Pulling off a successful fake cell phone call under these circumstances requires 2 things, the first one being dependent upon the type of conversation you’re pretending to have. The fake conversation has to be one that takes up your entire attention span; you have to act as if you’re totally engaged in the topic, with no room for distractions. A conversation you should not fake having is one where all you say is “uh huh” and “yeah.” Think about when you’re on the phone with someone who does all the talking: she’s talking the entire time, and the most you can do is say “uh huh” and “yeah,” when she takes the brief pause to breathe. If you’re lucky, you might even sneak in variations like, “uh huh, you’re right,” and “yeah, I understand,” but other than that, you’re just listening to the other person talk–which isn’t easy after the first hour or so. Your mind starts to wander…you might start playing “Spider Solitaire” or dusting your CD racks… The point is, when you’re having this type of conversation, your mind is still aware of what’s going on around you. And that means you’re still stuck possibly having to at least nod or smile at the person as he passes by–i.e., failure! And if you insist on pretending as if you don’t notice the other person, he’ll figure out that you’re having a fake phone conversation–i.e., more failure! So you have to have an active fake conversation–one that seems to take up your entire attention span. I like to use quotes from “Wall Street.” I’ve never seen the movie, but I’ve memorized a few lines specifically for the purpose of having a successful fake phone call.
You’d be surprised at how long I’ve been able to get away with the “Wall Street” quotes, but I don’t think my luck will last much longer. Once “Wall Street 2” comes out, more people will probably want to watch or re-watch the first one. And then I’ll have to pick lines from another movie…maybe “Gigli,” because no one on Earth has seen that gem. Oh, as for the second requirement for pulling off a successful fake cell phone call–you should turn your phone off. Don’t be like me and think that just because you get one or two phone calls a week, you’re going to be safe when you’re doing the fake call. Someone will call you right then and there. Trust me on this one. It has happened to me before…twice.
You know what’s worse? Neither of the phone calls were for me! One was a wrong number, the other was a telemarketing recording about debt financing. The Averted Eyes The second method I use is to keep my eyes from looking ahead. Can’t see if anyone is walking from the opposite direction if your eyes are trained elsewhere! I usually look at the ground.
I haven’t used this one in awhile though, because I tend to walk in a slant when I’m not looking ahead. That has resulted in very unfortunate moments…
I do not recommend this strategy for any of you who have the same tendencies. Fake Text Messaging It’s a slight variation on the Fake Cell Phone Call. I use this one the most because (1) I won’t look like a dumbass if someone suddenly calls, and (2) I am less likely to walk into a wall, or slip off the sidewalk, or bump into the person I’m trying to avoid noticing. You just have to look intently at your cell phone and press random keys. That’s it. It’s simple, painless, almost fool-proof…
I said “almost,” didn’t I? Here’s another lesson from my ever-growing catalogue of awkward moments. So I was on this little walkway that connects my apartment complex’s fitness room to the main building. As I’m heading back, I notice someone was walking towards the fitness room…and thus, towards me, since I had just come from there. I didn’t have my cell phone on me, but I did have this crumpled tissue in my pocket. I didn’t know what else to do, so I took the tissue and started to stare at it.
I kept telling myself “this tissue is really interesting” because I thought it would help make my crap acting abilities seem more genuine. And I guess it worked well…really well…because the next thing I know, the guy stops and asks:
Maybe he knew I was trying to avoid noticing him, and was thus calling me out by asking me what I had in my hand–I don’t know. All I know is that I was suddenly stuck in an awkward situation, and that could only mean 1 thing: my sh*tty thinking-on-my-feet skills were going to kick in. I start trying to come up with an answer:
A tip for those of you who struggle with finding a fake answer to a “what do you have there?” question: start with “I have this…” because starting with “I have a…” pigeon-holes you into coming up with an answer that starts with an “a.” And there aren’t very many good ones you can come up with on the fly. I’m standing there, stammering and stuttering, and suddenly my gut told me to say:
Sh*t! That wasn’t a gut feeling–that was a butt feeling! During those brief seconds between opening my mouth and saying those words, I somehow managed to rationalize telling this complete stranger I had AIDS: “If I tell him I have this incurable disease, he probably won’t know what to say and will end the conversation right there!” What didn’t occur to me was the fact that I would be telling someone that I had AIDS. Who lies about having AIDS?! I should have just said “hi”! Anyway, the guy yelled “Holy hell!” and I speed-walked away. Please, please, please tell me: what’s the social etiquette rule for this?!
Posted 6/30/2010 at 6:20 PM
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should’ve faked a sneeze I have a…a…ACHOOO I hate to tell you this, but there was a Dilbert strip about this back in the mid to late 90’s. |
and the best part is you pulled a tissue already veryyy convincing 
absolutangel64 