I realized something sad about me…like, really, really sad.

It happened while I was drawing an outline of some pictures I was going to use in a blog post.

Yes, I have to hand draw my little cartoons before I create them in Paint…not because I’m dedicated to art or anything. I just suck so badly at this stuff that I actually have to practice drawing stick figures. Oh, by the way: did I ever tell you why I started drawing my stick figure persona in the first place? I probably didn’t because it’s not an interesting story. Basically, I wanted to include myself in some of my Paint pictures, and stick figures were the only things I could draw somewhat decently. And I chose to make myself orange because I thought using yellow was too obvious…and because yellow made it look like I’d drawn someone with a severe case of jaundice.

Anyway, while I was going over a few of my sketches, I noticed something about the stick figures I’d drawn of myself. I call them “me-stick figures.”

See anything strange about the me-stick figures? Of course you do! It’s glaringly obvious: all of them are wearing triangle dresses. Okay, maybe I’m using the term “glaringly obvious” rather loosely, but you still understand how this is a problem, don’t you? No? Hmm…well, I can’t blame you for that because honestly, I didn’t find anything worth freaking out over either. Not initially.

At first, I thought it was kind of funny that I’d even bothered to draw the me-stick figures in dresses when these were only rough sketches. Perhaps I’d gotten so used to drawing them this way that I automatically drew triangles on every circle with long hair.

I should have left it at that and gone back to drawing half-assedly, but for some reason I decided to dig out some of the outlines I’d done for previous posts. And sure enough, all of the me-stick figures were drawn with triangle dresses. The stick figures that represented other people, however, weren’t much more than circles and lines because I didn’t draw clothes on any of them. Even the female stick figures weren’t wearing triangle dresses like the me-stick figures were–which effectively killed off my original theory that I had been mindlessly adding triangles to every long-haired circle. I was now back at square one: how come I only drew triangle dresses on the me-stick figures, and left the other ones flapping nakedly in the wind?

Wait, naked? Who said anything about being naked?

And then it hit me:

No…no way. It couldn’t be that! Anything but that!

I grabbed a piece of paper and began drawing a me-stick figure. I drew the head and some hair, and then a line for a torso:

But almost as soon as my pencil hit the paper, an alarm suddenly went off in my head. Next thing I knew, I was looking at this:

What the hell? My line turned into a triangle dress!

I really could not explain why I apparently had a compulsion to draw dresses on me-stick figures–then again, I wasn’t putting much effort into figuring it out because I was too busy congratulating myself for averting an imaginary disaster…

And then it hit me…

Of course, “why do I even care?!” was a question I already knew the answer to. What started out as a simple character that was used to illustrate some of my blogs had become something much, much more. It turned into me. That stick figure was me, and when I attempted to draw it with a torso instead of a dress, it felt like I actually drawing a naked picture of myself. There was just something uncomfortably X-rated about it.

But you know what was really weird (I guess I should say “weirder” since this whole post is already pretty weird)? Even though the other stick figures weren’t drawn with clothes on, I didn’t get a “naked vibe” from them. They instead gave off a “basic sketch to be detailed later in Paint” vibe.

Now that I was fully aware of why I drew the triangle dresses, I started realizing how sad it was of me to have viewed this orange stick figure as some kind of self portrait. How did that make any sense? We look nothing alike!

You see what I mean? There isn’t any a shred of similarity between the the real me and the me-stick figure (by the way, I’m pretty proud of how well Mr. T.V. Head turned out)! The only way you’d know that the stick figure was supposed to be me in Paint form was if I made that known. Otherwise you’d all be thinking “That’s the worst Oompa Loompa drawing I’ve ever seen!” or something.

After doing a bit of thinking, I came to a conclusion:

“Butt-ass naked” is the best phrase ever.

What was so X-rated about a me-stick figure that wasn’t wearing a dress? It didn’t mean it was naked! It could just be wearing really tight clothes. And even if it did look like I’d drawn a bunch of naked stick Sylvias, why should I care? It wasn’t like there were any boobs or va-jay-jays hanging out all over the place, right? What was there to be concerned about? Nothing! And to prove it, I was going to draw a naked me-stick figure right then and there!

Head? Check! Hair? Check! All that was left was a torso, arms, and legs.

Still waiting on the torso, arms, and legs!

…Still waiting!

No longer waiting!

FAIL FAIL FAIL! LAME LAME LAME!

I’ve heard a fair number of stories about really bad first dates, and I’ve actually been on a few unpleasant ones myself…

But none of those torrid tales can compare to the one someone had posted on his Facebook page. They don’t even come close. In fact, this person’s story was so ridiculously bad that not sharing it with you all would be a serious crime against nature. And besides, I wouldn’t be paying it forward if I kept this to myself. The only reason why I know this Facebook note even exists is because a friend had told me about it…and he had heard about it from someone else…who heard about it from someone else…and so on. So you see, I am obligated to do my part in sharing the story with others. It’s like spreading a venereal disease, except it’s way more entertaining and doesn’t give you fire piss.

Before I do anything, let me introduce the cast of characters! They are real people, but I drew them as fruits instead.

Okay, so Apple is a guy I went to law school with. I didn’t know him personally, but we shared mutual friends and they sometimes told me bits and pieces about him–like how he’d never been in a relationship before, and was desperately trying to find someone to be his first girlfriend. (I’m sure you know where this is headed…)

Pear also went to the same law school as I did, but he graduated a few years before me. He and Apple have been friends for awhile.

And finally, there is Orange, Pear’s sister-in-law.

Got it? Great!

So like I said, Apple has never been in a relationship with anyone…and I mean literally never–as in, the guy has been single the entire time he’s been alive. He’s never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend), never had a casual hook-up–nothing. He’s got a blank slate for a dating history, and is a virgin in every sense of the word. I don’t really know how he managed maintain his single status for so long since he’s a decent looking guy, and is apparently a really nice person. But whatever…the point is, Apple was done sitting around by himself and had decided to be a proactive player in the dating game.

Unfortunately, however, he wasn’t having any luck finding love on his own–and I think that might have had something to do with his lack of experience. After all, you kind of need some history in order to know what works and what doesn’t. And that prior experience also helps you figure out the types of people you’re compatible with, and whether you need to tweak any behavior or mannerisms to make a relationship last. But that’s just me.

Although Apple was having a difficult time meeting women, his luck seemed to change for the better while he was attending a birthday party for Pear.

And guess what? Apple and Orange hit it off right away!

They ended up spending the rest of the evening talking to each other. And they really did have a lot in common; besides being from the same region, sharing June birthdays, and being fans of the same sports teams, it turned out that Apple used to intern at the place Orange was currently employed at. Small world, right?

It looked like Apple was finally making progress in his search for love! Orange seemed into him, and he was definitely into her. They stayed in contact after that, and a few days later, decided to go out on a first date.

As a cute gesture of affection, Apple gave Orange a present:

When I read the part about the Knicks mug, I thought that was a pretty clever and adorable way to break the ice. The gift, however, wasn’t the mug, but the item inside it:

He gave her a diamond ring! A freaking diamond ring! And it was only their first date!

Now, I’m not big on jewelry, but I do appreciate it when someone gives it to me. That someone, however, has to be either a family member or a guy I’ve been dating for at least 6 months. There has to be some history behind the gift, you know?

But for a guy to give a girl jewelry on a first date? I don’t care how well they get along–that’s some seriously creepy sh*t!

I guess Orange must have sensed the creepiness, because she refused to take the ring.

Smart girl, that one. I wonder if Apple realized Orange’s idea was actually a how-to for getting engaged…you know, when giving a diamond ring is appropriate.

Anyway, the ring fiasco made Orange really uncomfortable, and she decided not to see Apple again. But I guess he didn’t understand what she meant because he was constantly calling and texting her every day.

Eventually, Orange got really fed up and told Pear about Apple’s creepiness.

Pear was surprised by how Apple was behaving, and felt pretty guilty about introducing the two of them in the first place. He called Apple and told him Orange wasn’t interested, and to stop bombarding her with text messages and phone calls. He also told his friend that his dating techniques needed a massive overhaul. The two of them aren’t friends anymore.

Apple stopped calling and texting Orange, and they never went on another date. But was that the end of the story? No way! A guy that creepy isn’t going to end things so easily!

A few days after all this had occurred, Orange went to work and found 3 giant bouquets of flowers in her office.

They were from Apple! And they all had “I’m sorry” cards on them! That’s so sad! The guy was apologizing for being creepy, but he couldn’t even do that without being what? Creepy!

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That’s awful…Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

You know what’s even worse? The person who posted this note was Apple himself! Apple! He’s the last person who should be publicizing this. But I guess he was looking for advice and sympathy from his friends, and included every little detail so they could make informed opinions. How dense is that?! And then he ended his note with: “I guess girls really are all about the chase.” OMG! OMG!