absolutangel64

I took piano lessons for 10 years–pretty standard for an Asian, huh? Ask any of us whether we’ve ever taken music lessons, and you’re going to hear a “yes” for either piano or some string instrument (most likely the cello).

My sister and I had weekly lessons at our piano teacher’s house. Our mother would drop us off after school, and would return to pick us up after we were finished. Neither of us liked practicing, and we were often scolded for our poor performances. On days when we were particularly disappointing, our teacher would drag out our lessons from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I was so bad I once had to sit there for almost 3 hours. My sister and I tried to find ways to cut our lessons short–like, if she was first to get her session over with, she would immediately call my mom and tell her to come pick us up. And then my mom would end up arriving 30 minutes into my lesson, and we would get to go home early.  It worked a few times, but after awhile my mom figured out what we were doing and stopped unknowingly helping us cut class. But we still kept the routine going just in case.

During one of our lessons, I had some sort of brain fart and did something really dumb. I’ve tried to find an explanation for this seemingly sudden onset of retardation, but ever after so many years, I still come up empty.

Here’s what happened: My sister was having her lesson, and I (after immediately calling my mom) was waiting to be picked up. To pass the time, I start flipping through a few of the “National Geographic” magazines my teacher had on her coffee table.

While looking for pictures of animals, a folded-up insert fell out of the magazine.

It turned out to be a diagram of Africa’s native animals.

That is such a sh*tty picture, I know. I tried to make it less sh*tty by using basic shapes to draw the animals, but I could only draw an elephant (yes, that’s supposed to be an elephant) and giraffe. Including any more animals would turn an already turdy picture into a massive mess of Paint waste.

I really wanted that diagram. It just looked so cool–with all the little animal pictures placed on the map according to their native regions. Why, if I had something like that, I’d tape it to my bedroom wall and look at it all the time!

And then, I had a brilliant idea!

Using the magazine as a cover, I took that folded-up diagram, slipped it under my shirt (I know I drew myself wearing a dress, but imagine it’s a T-shirt), and held it under my armpit so that it wouldn’t fall out when I moved. Mwahaha! That diagram was now mine! Mine! And now I’ll always know where most African crocodiles live, and which territories belong to lions and zebras!

I was so excited that I couldn’t contain my joy when my mom arrived.

And this is when I had that brain fart. For some reason, I thought I could show my mom the fruits of my labor–that she would see this diagram I freaking stole and wouldn’t be mad at all. In fact, I actually thought she’d find that little map of Africa and its animals so interesting she’d let the larceny slide.

But I was very, very mistaken.

And it wasn’t until seconds after I took the diagram out from under my shirt that I realized I had just told my mom I was a thief–a really stupid thief who shows off the stuff she steals to her own mother.

My stupidity was so embarrassing that I couldn’t bring myself to look at the map ever again. I think it’s still sitting in my piano bench, buried beneath piles of sheet music–a constant reminder of a random act of retardation that still haunts me.