Who wouldn’t want the power to make wrinkly, creased up paper all flat and crisp?!

I’ve seen those commercials that show people using the medicine and then admiring their wart-free hands, but how do we get from flash freezing a piece of lumpy finger meat to perfectly manicured hands?

Don’t lie: you were curious about how this stuff worked too!

During the 4 years I was at USC, I had no idea how big the football program was. Seriously. I didn’t go to any games, I never watched it on television–the closest experience I had to attending an actual game was when I had, like, 7 football players in one of my classes.

I know, I know–it sounds impossible for me to have been that ignorant. Most of my friends, classmates, and professors were big fans, and the entire student body pretty much knew every detail of every game because the campus newspaper was always dedicating huge chunks of the sports section to the Trojan football team–but I thought that was a given. We were USC students, so of course we were going to be supportive of all things USC. Every school has such school spirit. I mean, go to any campus anywhere and you’ll find at least one student whose clothes all have his school’s name stitched somewhere on it, and who also has one of the sports team’s game schedules taped to his dorm wall.

So when people at USC went nuts over the football season, I just assumed it was typical school-related fandom limited to the boundaries of our campus…and people who went outside the area probably turned into Lakers fans.

Anyway, one day my sister gave me a USC sweater she purchased on impulse but never wore. I didn’t buy a sweater for myself when I was a student because they were kind of expensive, and was more than happy to finally get one free of charge. And this was right around winter time, so I was able to wear it right away. And I did. I wore that sweater every single day. It was so warm and comfortable–and it made getting ready to go out a lot easier. Forget changing out of my at-home lazy-ass clothes. I just threw that sweater on and left!

That USC sweater changed my life! Now I could be comfortably frumpy both indoors and out! I could run errands and go shopping without changing out of my raggedy sweats and giant sleep shirts. All I had to do was put on a sweater and be transformed from a dumpy mess into a relaxed-looking USC-er.

Everything was going so well! And then my sister gave me 2 more USC sweaters! OMG! My life was awesome!

*Sniff* *Sniff* What’s that stanky smell? Oh! It’s reality taking a sh*t on my face.

I will never forget that day. I was buying cat food and wearing my USC sweater because it was cold:

Out of nowhere the cashier suddenly started talking to me about USC football! Me–the last person you’d want to discuss football with. I have “football retard” written all over me–which I guess isn’t noticeable when I have a giant “USC” written across my chest.

And it didn’t stop with the cashier. I was getting football questions from random strangers all the damn time. One day it was the seafood guy at Ralph’s. Another day it was a man I walked past when I went to get my eyebrows done. It even came up when I was in the middle of taking the bar exam! I was taking the elevator to my testing room when an old guy stepped in and started talking to me:

I was like, “Are you serious?! I’m stressed out as it is, and now you want me to talk football with you?!”

But I was lucky that day. I’d heard bits and pieces of some USC football drama on the radio, and had a vague idea on how to respond. I didn’t know any specifics. I just knew it was bad news for USC, so I assumed that the reaction this old guy was expecting from me would be one of disappointment.

And I was just about to spew some crap about being sad that Pete Carroll left and was replaced by another coach when the old guy said:

Geez…

The topic sometimes came up even when I wasn’t wearing a USC sweater.

I always tried to give an answer that sounded like I knew what I was talking about, but it was tough. One day I didn’t feel like faking it and just responded honestly: “I don’t follow USC football.” That, however, turned out to be a major mistake because the guy I was answering totally went off on me: “How can you not know anything about Trojan football! You went there, didn’t you?! How can you pay that kind of money and not know anything?! You’ve got to be kidding me!” It was extremely traumatic, but it also made me realize that I had to make a choice: either give up my USC sweaters and be free from answering football questions, or follow the football games and be comfortably frumpy anywhere and everywhere. It was an easy decision for me: football for frump.

I haven’t had to read any sports pages yet because the weather here is still in the 80’s, so I don’t need to worry about staying warm. But the temperatures have been decreasing, and my sweaters are starting to ask if they can come out and play. And as much as I love cold weather, I really hope summer sticks around a little longer because I don’t want to follow football. It’s just so boring! You think I can get away with, “I don’t want to talk about it…it’s too sad”?