For those of you who do not know who Sharon Tay is, don’t look her up. Please, I am begging you: do not put yourself in front of a train that’s inevitably going to wreck.

It’s not because she’s a bad person. I’ve never met her, but I’m sure she’s a decent member of society. And for those few times I’ve accidentally watched her newscasts, she seemed to be pretty good at her job. My only problem with her–and it’s the only reason why I’ve sworn off local news broadcasts–is her face…or more accurately, whatever is left of it.

Sharon Tay is a good example of what I consider really bad plastic surgery. Look her up (if you dare) and you will see exactly what I mean. The woman has probably had every possible enhancement and augmentation that exists, times three. And while I do think she’s attractive, it’s not enough to overcome the plastic mess that makes her hard to look at.

Not all plastic surgery is bad plastic surgery. My litmus test for determining which category your nip or tuck falls into is whether I can tell you’ve had work done without knowing what you looked like before. Sharon Tay failed that test–as did the Duchess of Alba (so scary), Octomon, 80% of the people on reality television shows, my waitress at the Cheesecake Factory, and Courtney Stodden. And by the way, Courtney Stodden obviously did not get her sex change done in Thailand because she still looks mannish…Huh? What do you mean she didn’t have a sex change? Oh please! There is no way in hell that gnarled man was born with a vagina.

Anyway, the results that tend to bother me more than others are the rail-thin nose jobs and bloated-ass lips.

I don’t know what it is, but I haven’t seen many nose jobs that resulted in natural-looking noses. The only person I can think of right now is Ashlee Simpson, and that was after I spent many hours of intense memory searching.

Most new noses all have the same shape: the ridges are really thin and narrow, and the nose ends with an unnatural point at the tip. I’ve been trying to draw a bad nose job, but you’ll just have to make do with a picture of a ski slope because that’s the closest I could get.

Were there no other noses for these people to choose from? Why would they go with one that makes them look as if their cheekbones won the war for facial turf?

Bad lip injections are even nastier. They happen so frequently that I’m starting to wonder if maybe the science hasn’t advanced enough to produce results other than trout pout. I mean, you’re telling me someone actually paid money to look like a bunch of herpes-infected bees attacked her mouth. You would have a better chance convincing me that Courtney Stodden is 100% female.

Seriously, how the hell is that a good investment?!

You know what though? Although it’s pretty bad to have a face that screams “this is why you shouldn’t get plastic surgery,” I wonder if it’s worse to be accused of having work done when you actually haven’t. That happened to me once.

,

…That’s the closest I’ve ever been to plastic surgery. And I still don’t know how the hell I ended up with so many eyelids that day.

UPDATE: Revenge of the angry eyelid! I awoke to find my right one all messed up! I don’t have three folds this time, but still…

The third title, “The Secret of Weight Loss May Be In 3,000-Year-Old Mummy Poop,” threw me off a little because poop in general is unappealing, and ancient dead person poop is probably much more disgusting. Imagine if someone put an old doot husk in your face. You’d probably lose your appetite and then some even if you were on the verge of starving to death. But then again, why would anyone study mummy poop for diet advice anyway? I don’t know if their eating habits helped them with their weight management as much as famine, warfare, and general labor did.

Between all the different titles, I picked the Hello Kitty lingerie article as being the made-up one. And I would have been right except for the fact that all of the new titles were real, legitimate works of journalism. All of them. Yes, Hello Kitty lingerie is real.

Forget the piss eggs and old doodoo. There is actually a company (appropriately named Hanky Panky) that wants women to put a cartoon pussy on their pussies.

And Sanrio is totally okay with that: According to Sanrio senior brand marketing director David Marchi, “Many women 18 years and older have grown up with Hello Kitty and can relate to the brand in a more adult way.”

I know Hello Kitty has been licensed to sh*t, but lingerie? That’s crazy. But you know what’s even crazier? The fact that all of us know at least one adult woman who is about 15 years too old to love Hello Kitty, but is already waiting in line to get her hands on a Hello Kitty thong.

And that’s just wrong…and creepy. Hello Kitty’s age appropriateness rating is probably, like, what? Ages 4 and up? But I don’t think “up” means “until death.” There’s a certain age limit for being a Hello Kitty fan, and adults who don’t outgrow this phase end up looking like piles of mess.

Of course, there are those who are aware that they are giving off a Peter-Pan-syndrome vibe and try to look less creepy by buying Hello Kitty items that are made for adults—like cookware or car seat covers. There’s even a line of high-way-robbery-priced Hello Kitty jewelry.

How the hell does that make things any better? I mean, you’re at an age where you shouldn’t be spending a single dollar that stuff, but you’re dropping $7,500 on a Hello Kitty necklace? And can you imagine going to a friend’s house and seeing a Hello Kitty wok or toaster? That would scare me sh*tless. I’ll take urine-cooked eggs and mummified doot any day.