| A friend had posted the titles of several news stories on his Facebook page in honor of April Fools’ Day, along with the caption: “Which one is fake?” At first glance, all of the titles looked really shady because some of the topics were about things that were too insane to be real. I mean, how the hell could “Urine-cooked eggs a delicacy in China city: ‘Virgin boy eggs’ are spring tradition in Dongyang” not be a joke? The fact that the city has the word “dong” in it was a dead giveaway. And “New Hello Kitty lingerie is either sexy or very creepy”? A Hello Kitty lingerie line? That’s definitely not real. We’re talking about a cartoon cat that has a fan base made up of children under the age of 10. No one is going to put their child in a nasty-ass teddy just because it has Hello Kitty on it (I wouldn’t count out those creepy pageant moms though), and no adult is going to wear that sh*t because it’s not sexy.
The third title, “The Secret of Weight Loss May Be In 3,000-Year-Old Mummy Poop,” threw me off a little because poop in general is unappealing, and ancient dead person poop is probably much more disgusting. Imagine if someone put an old doot husk in your face. You’d probably lose your appetite and then some even if you were on the verge of starving to death. But then again, why would anyone study mummy poop for diet advice anyway? I don’t know if their eating habits helped them with their weight management as much as famine, warfare, and general labor did. Between all the different titles, I picked the Hello Kitty lingerie article as being the made-up one. And I would have been right except for the fact that all of the new titles were real, legitimate works of journalism. All of them. Yes, Hello Kitty lingerie is real. Forget the piss eggs and old doodoo. There is actually a company (appropriately named Hanky Panky) that wants women to put a cartoon pussy on their pussies.
And Sanrio is totally okay with that: According to Sanrio senior brand marketing director David Marchi, “Many women 18 years and older have grown up with Hello Kitty and can relate to the brand in a more adult way.” I know Hello Kitty has been licensed to sh*t, but lingerie? That’s crazy. But you know what’s even crazier? The fact that all of us know at least one adult woman who is about 15 years too old to love Hello Kitty, but is already waiting in line to get her hands on a Hello Kitty thong. And that’s just wrong…and creepy. Hello Kitty’s age appropriateness rating is probably, like, what? Ages 4 and up? But I don’t think “up” means “until death.” There’s a certain age limit for being a Hello Kitty fan, and adults who don’t outgrow this phase end up looking like piles of mess.
Of course, there are those who are aware that they are giving off a Peter-Pan-syndrome vibe and try to look less creepy by buying Hello Kitty items that are made for adults—like cookware or car seat covers. There’s even a line of high-way-robbery-priced Hello Kitty jewelry.
How the hell does that make things any better? I mean, you’re at an age where you shouldn’t be spending a single dollar that stuff, but you’re dropping $7,500 on a Hello Kitty necklace? And can you imagine going to a friend’s house and seeing a Hello Kitty wok or toaster? That would scare me sh*tless. I’ll take urine-cooked eggs and mummified doot any day. Posted 4/3/2012 at 4:3 PM
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For an adult, you too seem to have an above average interest in the childhood arena such as all the “doodie talk” An attractive/sexy woman can wear a garbage bag and still look sexy…I’m sure “Sanrio wear” won’t be scaring off the guys… “I’ll take urine-cooked eggs and mummified doot any day.” Two responses to this: 1) Hmmm, really? >:) So if you were faced with wearing the kitty outfit or ingesting that “lean cuisine”, you would choose the food? Ummmm,…I’m not buying that….haha! 2) Thanks to your past expose of the lack of “tamper proof” protection for store produced bakery goods, some hapless souls may have already unknowingly indulged in those or frighteningly similar fare. =:-0 Okay I lied….one more response…. 3) Have you ever included the word “mummified doot” or some variation of the like on your resume? Lol! |
absolutangel64 