absolutangel64

It started when I discovered a nasty-ass fly had infiltrated my personal space…

I hate flies. They are like bees except instead of spreading pollen, they spread fecal matter. (Man, I really want to insert “pollination versus germination,” but germination doesn’t have anything to do with germs.) And given that I have three cats, there was a very good chance that this fly would eventually find a way into the litter box and land on a doot kernel that would also be its lunch. It would then be covered in contaminates and dootier than before because it probably came in already covered in poo and pee.

Anything that fly landed on would be tainted, and I knew I had to stop it. I grabbed my electrified bug swatter and tried to electrocute it, but it always flew away before I could even attempt a swing.

Flies are pretty fast, but this one was way more agile than those I’d dealt with in the past. Even exhaling seemed to set it off–which would then set me off and I would end up chasing it around my house.

After losing sight of it a few times, I found the fly had returned to the dirty sauté pan where it first introduced itself. 

I took a swing at it…

I know in my heart and soul that I would have succeeded in killing it, I just know it. And I could have gone on with my life if only I had not thrown the swatter down right before it hit the pan. But I did because at that moment I had a sudden epiphany: “Electricity on steel pan!”

(Holy sh*t! I almost electrocuted myself…maybe? Okay fine, maybe the result wouldn’t have been so dramatic, but I’m pretty sure the outcome–whatever it was–would not have been pleasant.)

At that point, I realized for sure that I was not dealing with an average fly. This one was smart. This one knew it could dodge my swatter attacks by landing on the pan. But there was one thing it didn’t know:

I was smarter.

That’s right! I was going to use a dress to attack the fly when it was in the pan, and the swatter when it was out. Eat a d*ck, Fly! My genius was able to negate the protection of your sauté shield!

…Unfortunately, said genius was not enough to overcome my really bad aim.

Dress fail:

Bug swatter fail:

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

After about an hour of this futility, I was done looking retarded and decided to admit defeat. One of my cats would eventually kill it, or maybe it would freeze to death when I had my AC on. The fly was going to die eventually…just not by my hand.

I consoled myself with some coffee, which I drank using a straw. Yeah, yeah, hot coffee and plastic straws don’t mix, but the potential health risks are nothing compared to the hell I went through when I got my teeth whitened two weeks ago. I had a Groupon for “Zoom! II” laser whitening, and although the procedure worked for me, the pain and agony that followed made it an experience I never, ever want to go through again. So if I have to drink coffee through a straw to preserve the results, fine. I’ll pick PABAs or whatever the hell over “Zoom! II” treatments any day of the week.

Anyway, as I was saying: I decided to console my failed attempts to murder Super Fly with coffee. Just as I was about to reach for my mug, I noticed something:

There, sitting on the rim of my coffee cup and batting its wings in what I can only guess was “F*CK YOU” in Morse code, was that damn fly.

I was pissed–and rightfully so, I think, because you know as well as I do that the fly was rubbing its victory in my face. It knew I was incapable of killing it, and that the most I could do was wave it away from my coffee…which I did in a rather peaceful manner.

I picked up my mug and took a sip of coffee from my straw…a sip…which I swallowed.

And then I saw something…

Before I go any further, let me stress again that the sip of coffee was in my stomach and there was no way I could get it out because I can’t throw up. Even when I have really bad food poisoning. So there was nothing I could do but wait for the coffee to pass through naturally–and this detail is important because right then and there I saw one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

THAT F*CKING FLY WAS IN MY COFFEE! MY COFFEE! ALONG WITH ALL THE SH*T AND PISS IT WAS COVERED IN! AND I DRANK SOME OF IT!

WHY?!