Saturday October 20, 2012

I’ve always considered children’s drawings to just be fugly by default, but I didn’t realize how truly heinous they can be until two days ago, when I was first introduced to a company called Child’s Own Studios. Child’s Own Studios makes custom plush toys based on kids’ drawings. If you think this sounds like a terrible business concept, you are not alone. The first thing I thought was, “This is doomed to fail.” Let’s be honest here: children can’t draw for sh*t. You know this, I know this–anyone who’s ever seen a child’s drawing knows that 99.9999% of all kids’ art is really bad. Like, you could be looking at what you think is a crayon sketch of some monster straight out of a Guillermo del Toro movie, only to find out that it’s a kid’s attempt at drawing a circle.

Considering all the sh*tty children’s drawings I’ve seen, it was hard to believe that any parent would willingly pay money to turn his or her kid’s nightmarish pictures into nightmarish toys. So when I checked out the Child’s Own website yesterday, I was expecting to see an “Under Construction” banner that was put up in the early 2000s, or a message like “We are no longer in business because our idea was awful.” I didn’t, however, see either of those things on the website. In fact, Child’s Own didn’t just survive; it was actually thriving.

You might be thinking, “Well, not all children’s drawings are sh*t storms on paper. There are talented kids who can actually draw out there.” And indeed, I found two drawings that were quite impressive, and turned out to make pretty cute stuffed animals.

An 8-year-old’s dragon:

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I would actually buy this for myself.

An 11-year-old’s dog:

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Wait, did I say I found two drawings impressive drawings? I meant I only found two. Yes, there were only two decent pictures on the entire site. The rest of them were pretty much what you’d expect of typical kids’ art–i.e., fugly as hell. As for the plush toy versions, those were literally some of the most f*cked up things I’ve ever seen…And now they will become the most f*cked up things you will ever see.

Artist #1, Age 5

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Okay, this is either supposed to be (1) a person sexually assaulting a horrified human-ficus hybrid, or (2) a deleted scene from “Powder” in which Powder discovers that the giant cyst on his left shoulder and hand-shaped skin flaps covering his nipples were really the head and arms of his symbiotic twin, Crack.

I looked at this and was like, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” but then I saw this:

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What the f*ck is that?! And really, the best thing you could do to cut the creepy out of the drawing was to make two plush toys  instead of one?! Why not throw in some free therapy sessions while you’re at it, because that’s what this kid is going to need when he sees these f*cked up things in the dark!

Artist #2: Age 10

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I’m guessing the only reason why the kid named this beast Mud was because he wasn’t aware of the word “sh*tty.”

It appears that Mud was a plesiosaurus who got too close to a narwhal, crocodile, a colony of marine tube worms, and the Fukushima I Nuclear Power Plant. And look! The kid even drew arrows to point out  the burns Mud suffered when he came in contact with nuclear waste.

As if Mud’s life isn’t already bad enough, he also can’t afford a dentist and therefore must live with five rotted-ass teeth and four yellow ones that are on the verge of joining them.

Here is Mud as a plush toy:

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On the one hand, I have to give props to Child’s Own for replacing Mud’s jacked up coal-teeth with porcelain veneers. On the other hand, he’s still Mud. And on the third hand, if we sent a 100 of these to Iran, it would be more than enough to convince them to kill their nuclear program.

Artist #3, Age 9

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Noooooooooooooooooooo!

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Artist #4, Age 5

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First of all, is this a homework sheet or something? Because it says “F Words” at the top, so I assume this was used to teach children the alphabet. Secondly, a good indicator that your child’s school isn’t cutting it is when—of all the f-words he could have gone with—he chooses “fart”…not “flower,” “frog,” or “fire,” but “fart.” And then he draws a backwards ass that is farting piss.

As if this picture wasn’t enough of an abomination, here it is as a plush toy:

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Yes, someone paid for this…with real money.

What the f*ck?! And not only that, why the f*ck?! It doesn’t help that Child’s Own fixed the backwards ass problem. I mean, look at it! It’s farting yellow tulle! Imagine how a kid would look hugging a fuchsia-colored butt with legs and feet, and seemingly frozen in time mid-piss/fart.

Now imagine that same kid also hugging the stuffed human-ficus monster/Powder and Crack tag team. Why? Because they were both drawn by the same child.

Bleach! I need bleach! My eyes need cleansing!

Posted 10/20/2012 at 7:37 AM

36 Comments

wow, people actually produce some of those things?

Posted 10/20/2012 at 8:37 AM by maniacsicko

You have to admit though, the company/person recreating the crazy pictures into plush is pretty talented!  Crazy drawings though! I will have nightmares!

Posted 10/20/2012 at 9:25 AM by CandiedChristine

Good effort.  However, here is the zenith of critiquing children’s art http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule.  This still makes me crack up and snort like a dim-witted imbecile.

Posted 10/20/2012 at 12:3 PM by zircle999

Haha, I like the Mud plush! I think it’s hilarious! The other ones make me want to cry out of fear, though.

Posted 10/20/2012 at 11:25 AM by randaness
Ummmmm the farting one is disturbing. That clown one was pretty scary too.
Posted 10/20/2012 at 12:40 PM by MJeeeeeeeezy

LMAO.  Mud is kinda cute!

Posted 10/20/2012 at 12:37 PM by JL789

Is it Mud or Mad?

Posted 10/20/2012 at 1:31 PM by coolmonkey

The sad fact is that the Parents are the ones paying, And parents think just about anything their kids do is “cute”.  or “precocious”.  It (usually) stops the parents from strangling/drowning them.

At the risk of seeming too “pc”, I’m going to give equal time to the child’s point of view:

Check out:http://tinyartdirector.blogspot.com/

Posted 10/20/2012 at 3:16 PM by Ewithani

Oh dear lord

Posted 10/20/2012 at 3:39 PM by npr32486

aw but you found the horrible ones! hahah  I saw this before and would love to get one once my little boy is older.  but ya know, be choosy with the drawings. Definitely wouldn’t get a fart one.

Posted 10/20/2012 at 6:5 PM by blue_dragonfly420

I would love to hear those kids critique your ‘drawings/doodles/comic strips’ or whatever the hell they are.

Let’s
have your parents send in your comic strips and have them published in a
real comic book,
I would love to hear allllllllllllllll those kids roll their eyes
at the thought that your parents paid for it.

Posted 10/20/2012 at 4:43 PM by Joanna_said_SO

i kinda think they’re adorable. but u gotta give them credit, where would they copy them from? all imagination. can’t suppress imagination. “so what if i wanna color in the cows with purple? I don’t wanna fit into the mainstream?”

Posted 10/20/2012 at 4:25 PM by f5ye_angel5
This is pretty cool if you actually drew something cute/ really neat and wanted it turned into a plush. However I agree, some of these are just purely awful and shouldn’t have even bothered to have been made, especially that butt farting urine….
Posted 10/20/2012 at 2:49 PM by lianO_Owang

This video is the funniest most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen.. check it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc0EDtIcEDU

Posted 10/20/2012 at 4:57 PM by chillinhard5

I am just laughing and laughing…

and then wiping the tears off my cheeks.

Posted 10/20/2012 at 8:21 PM by wickedgood

ROFLOL

Posted 10/21/2012 at 3:16 PM by eascoaster

The Jake one is a nightmare. Like Nightmare on Elm Street but with an Albino.

Posted 10/21/2012 at 8:17 PM by Scrooge0

You’re so funny; i wish you can be a newspaper critics for movies and other stuff.

Great sense of humor.  Kids aren’t always right, that’s for sure.

Then again, people paid $10+ million for Picasso’s postmodern art. :p

Posted 10/22/2012 at 9:27 AM by sf2slc

 the drawing/toys are hilarious, the comments are hilarious…. am i the only one who finds ALL of this hilarious?

Posted 10/21/2012 at 10:45 AM by I8it
Considering how harsh you are on kids, I take it you’re not a parent? Who expects kids to draw something amazing? I don’t. But hey, they have imaginations. Let ’em use it. I kind of think this is a cool concept. The only one I didn’t like was the “fart” one. The rest are all nice in my opinion. Being able to make a kid’s picture come to life, so to speak, is a neat way to remember a picture they drew when they were small. I wish my parents could have gotten me one for one of my little kid drawings.

It’s a good way to keep fostering creativity in a child. I am not against that at all.

Posted 10/21/2012 at 2:21 AM by firetyger

I love them all.  They actually are very cute.

Posted 10/22/2012 at 11:51 AM by blonde_apocalypse

You have issues. I never knew all kids were supposed to be savants in the arts in order to claim any of their drawings worthy of becoming a life long memory. How many kids can say they custom drew their freaking plush, I deem this idea GOLDEN. Granted the fart one is a little odd for a child but pretty hilarious if an adult bought it as a prank gift.

Posted 10/21/2012 at 5:54 AM by Snoog420

@Snoog420 – @blue_dragonfly420 – @firetyger – oh finally, i thought i was the only crazy one who didn’t agree with the blogger. i agreed with all your comments!

i would definitely buy this for my daughter!
it’s the ultimate of all ultimate way of encouraging a child’s imagination!
to have a thought, grow into an idea, multiply itself and become imagination, and to express that onto paper whether through drawings or words.. is one thing we cannot teach a child, it’s something they’ll learn themselves through time. we can never teach them imagination and creativity, but we can encourage it, and this idea is BRILLIANT!

and to judge kids’ drawings? come on… what a new low.
it’s not about how good they are, it’s about the creativity.

i wish my parents did this for me when i was a kid, it would become my instant new lovey and i would keep it forever.
i’ve had customers ask me to make a cake based on their child’s ideas or drawings, and let me tell you, when the parent is ordering, it’s all for love.

Posted 10/21/2012 at 9:55 AM by Joanna_said_SO

I’d buy Mud. ❤ He is sooo cute

Posted 10/21/2012 at 3:3 AM by PorcelainDoll_xo

This is really mean, the plush toys are actually really cute! They’re children, grow the fuck up ~.~

Posted 10/21/2012 at 11:30 AM by UnconventionalButterfly

Omg the f-word one had me crying from laughing so hard.

Posted 10/22/2012 at 9:54 AM by xxmikediditxx

Aside from the creepy clown, I thought the rest of them made pretty cute plushies.  Even the fart, though I can only imagine how awkward it would be to explain what the hell it is to someone.  “Oh, what a cute doll!  What is it?”  “…a fart.”

Posted 10/20/2012 at 11:58 PM by chronic_masticator

WOW, at the comments, just WOW

Posted 10/21/2012 at 11:18 AM by PattyM57

The “F Words” one is the only disturbing one, in my opinion. The other things are just awkward toys and drawings

Posted 10/20/2012 at 9:18 PM by ChainBracelets

That. Is. Horrifying! D:

Posted 10/20/2012 at 6:22 PM by Miss_Mayfare

This is way too funny. Also, I can’t believe this company is thriving. Seriously…WTF!?!

Posted 10/22/2012 at 5:42 PM by yakko1

actually, I think this is a cool idea. the toy itself doesn’t have to be awesome. i imagine it’s a super cool experience for a kid to be able to design his or her own toy.

Posted 10/22/2012 at 11:55 AM by galadrielspitcher

omg I want one

except no 3.  That thing will eat you in your sleep

Posted 11/11/2012 at 7:16 AM by GooMee

Geez, people are pissed at this blog? Get a sense of humor! It’s not like one of the little artists is going to be reading it. That clown should star in a horror movie! And the parent who got the fart imortalized must be a real joker.

Posted 10/22/2012 at 12:10 PM by whyzat

I think it’s cool myself.Can you imagine how the child feels having it’s drawing made into a plush toy?If anything,it adds a new dimension to the childs thinking and imagination.They see what they drew on paper would look like as a real object.Sure,there isn’t going to be overwhelming sales of these except by family members but you never know what an imagination can spawn from this.I like the idea and kudo’s to those who are willing to put up money to do something like this.

Posted 10/22/2012 at 1:27 PM by Somefishytales

@chronic_masticator – You crack me up girl! Hahahaha 

Posted 10/22/2012 at 1:28 PM by Somefishytales

Tuesday October 2, 2012

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RepublicanDemocraticBeatIt

Beat It!

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Posted 10/2/2012 at 9:45 PM

22 Comments

I lean pretty hard to the left, so I’m definitely not a Repub or Teabagger, er, Tea Partier. But, here’s what I think the deal is, in summary:  All Tea Partiers are Repubs, but not all Repubs are Tea Partiers. Make sense? Maybe members of either (or both) of those groups can correct me.

Posted 10/2/2012 at 9:57 PM by Unstoppable_Inner_Strength

Tea Partiers are kind of a sect of the Republican party.  They hold to the Constitution moreso than most others, akin to Libertarians.  At this point, who knows.  Country is f*cked.

Posted 10/2/2012 at 10:4 PM by npr32486

If you liken it to a nightclub, the Republicans are like the hot girls the party wants to attract.  The Tea Partiers are the fugly chicks that they need to let in just to pack the house.

Posted 10/2/2012 at 10:8 PM by coolmonkey

Instead of posting something that may be misleading I’ll just refer you to google so you can read the wikipedia page.  lol

I love your posts.  I think its interesting how you structure it.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 1:19 AM by KenxanderDaGr8

The Tea party is a corporately owned political organisation that claims to be grass roots and more concerned about the constitution.   I would characterize the tea party more as a movement with a certain rhetorical style rather than having a substantive ideology of it’s own. They were a response to the wide-scale disapointment Republicans experienced after the administration of G.W.Bush
Their rhetoric expresses that the problems that face this country are not complex and can be fixed simply by deregulating, naming the bad guys, and assuming they have the correct interpretation of the constitution.

To contrast a tea party perspective with that of a Bush-era Republican.  GW Bush said that Islam was a religion of peace and distinguished radical muslim terrorists from Muslim’s in general.
Very few tea partiers will recognize a distinction.

Tea parties claim their party is intended to restore the constitution but fail to appreciate the complexities of constitutional precedence.

They are superficially libertarian, Rand Paul was the head of the tea party at one point. Libertarianism is a problematic ideaology to begin with and this is reflected in the tea party. If liberty is the emphasis, it neglects to address different concepts of liberty.

They take pride in the view that they are a conglomeration of small town ideas.  My personal opinion is that this is one of their undoings. They assume that small town america has the same vision but in reality provincial people have the view of their province and do not find agreement with other groups.  This is why since the tea party became powerful in the Republican party most of the parties presidential candidates were too extreme in some degree to gain significant support. They tried to bring out their small-town values, but people from different small towns beleive different things.  Compare Sara Palin to Rick Santorum.
Both claim to have small town pride and hostility to non-christian religions, but very different values in their interpretations.

 

Posted 10/3/2012 at 1:1 AM by FoliageDecay

The general distinction is between social movement and political party. The Tea Party is a social movement that wants to mobilize ordinary people, influence public opinion, and shift public policy. The Republican party is a political party that wants to win power/office, coordinate resources/campaigns, and pass legislation/set policy. Tea Partiers usually vote for the Republican Party in elections, since it’s the closer of the two parties to their ideology.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 1:13 AM by thewaterworks
Who r the kitties voting for!
Posted 10/3/2012 at 3:46 AM by cbr600

Tea Partyiers (TP) espouse an overly simplistic, unrealistic, supremely naive, and provincial stance.  They do believe the answer is in the Constitution.  They also believe the government is too big and is too intrusive.  Additionally, they are generally anti-spending and for lower taxes.  They tend to either support the Republican Party or feel the Republican Party (GOP) is insufficiently supporting Tea Party ideals.  The TP is largely more right and conservative than the middle of the GOP.  TP tend to be staunchly Christian and have issues of racism and anti-Islamic tendencies.  Multiple pundits contend moderate Republican Presidents from years ago would not be able to please the TP in this day and age.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 8:29 AM by zircle999
I’ll leave the explaining to the more informed. Instead comment how appropriate the opera poo was! For all the mud slinging that is going on. 🙂
Posted 10/3/2012 at 2:22 AM by mistermino
Republicans are basically Sociopathic with strong Narcissitic tendancies. Tea Partyers are mostly psychopathic with varying degrees of schizophrenia.
Posted 10/3/2012 at 1:38 AM by tendollar4ways
I agree with much of the analysis here. The Tea Party tries to capture the spirit of the early revolutionaries (hence the term “Tea Party”) but fails to appreciate the whole picture and that there are far more Americans who don’t quite agree with them. The Tea Party also doesn’t seem to want to compromise and has an unadulterated hatred for Presidmt Obama and will do their utmost to undermine him and get him voted out of office. They’re trying to create a “Third Party” but at best they’re just a radical offshoot of the GOP.
Posted 10/3/2012 at 10:44 AM by cmdr_keen

Yes with the elections on now, it is very interesting how they keep going with all the stuff thrown at one another.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 10:52 AM by angys_coco

Tea Party and Republicans used to be different factions in 2010, not so much any more.  We get the feeling there is a stampede to the right.  There used to exist “moderate republicans,” but they’re now extinct.

I like your blog not because it makes a lot of sense (it doesn’t) but because you’re an attractive, creative person.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 10:46 AM by we_deny_everything

A great website with interesting and unique material what else would you need.
Socialflip Bookmark

Posted 10/3/2012 at 9:27 AM by sandbergrichard1

The Tea Party and the Republican Party are two separate things that happen to overlap and have found common cause. The Tea Party is really an ideological movement that started as a conservative, limited government, populist backlash against the Obama administration.  Their energy mobilized core supporters and helped the Republicans retake the House of Representatives in 2010.  They are not a part of the Republican Party, but they do represent the loudest faction within the Party with many of the freshmen representatives elected in 2010 affiliating themselves with this movement.

That being said, there is a lot of tension between the Tea Party and the Republican Party leadership.  For the Republicans who are used to tight party discipline, the Tea Party is a sort of rogue faction that while generating tremendous energy also creates more controversy.  The Tea Party has made an active campaign of trying to drive more traditional Republican incumbents out of office to replace them with more ideologically “pure” individuals in party primaries even if their candidates typically are “less electable” in a general election (losing precious seats).  Needless to say, this attitude of has not pleased the Republican leadership. There is a lot of conflict in the House as well, with the current Speaker, John Boehner, struggling tremendously to control them which creates problems when negotiating with the White House on budgetary and legislative issues.  In summary, they don’t trust each other with the GOP leadership afraid that the Tea Party is trying to co-opt the party, and the Tea Party thinking the GOP is not addressing their demands.

I would argue that the Democrats and their allies are also trying hard to blur the line between the Republicans and the Tea Party so they can pin the Tea Party’s crazier statements and excesses on the GOP.  Their hope is to scare moderate and unaffiliated voters by being able to paint even moderate candidates with the Tea Party label.

Posted 10/5/2012 at 1:4 PM by SunJun

I’ve largely tuned out the bullshit and rhetoric from that side of the political spectrum, but from what I’ve seen, the Tea Party is about the equivalent of that uber-hardcore jihadist sect of Islam.  Granted they’re not going around and shooting the shit of out of everyone else, but if you read between the lines of what they espouse, they want to go back to this time where WASPs ruled the country (socially, politically, and economically), racism was rampant, and anyone who was not part of their racial and religious affinity were considered less than them.  I don’t agree with their views at all (largely because it seems they’ve never known anything else in their lives), though I can’t take their right to think it away either.  It is rather interesting to see how that social movement has taken the Republicans by the balls though, and held them and everything else hostage though.  Normally when dealing with someone who doesn’t hold the same opinion as you, one would find some common ground where neither side got everything they wanted, yet both got something and walked away somewhat happy.  In this case though, it seems that any step outside of the Tea Party marching orders, no matter the degree, is met with vitriol about being “un-American”, and some combination of other racially and politically-loaded terms.

You see these people on TV – because the media loves shitstorms, basket cases and train wreck – hollering about how Social Security is this evil, far-reaching effort by the government to take away the people’s money, yet they turn around and waves signs about not touching their Medicare.  Frankly, it’s scenes like this that lead me to believe the lot of them are rather narrowly-minded individuals, who don’t have much in the way of gray matter to utilize, and rely upon being told what to think and say.    My takeaway goes back to my original assertion: that these people don’t want their money going to others who don’t deserve it, but are more than happy to take handouts from the gov’t because it’s “theirs”, striking me as code for, “I’m white and you’re white, and we don’t want those other colors or religions on this land, taking money and jobs from other like-minded Americans.”  This launches into the much bigger issue of the role of immigrants and low-income workers in American society, not to mention the lack of general education and diversity in large swaths of the country, but that’s for another day.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 3:39 PM by whotakethmycoke

Gotta love singing turds.

Posted 10/4/2012 at 5:20 PM by yakko1

so… are you going to vote?

Posted 10/3/2012 at 4:23 PM by sf2slc

Quickie summary- Tea party movement began as a result of populist backlash against TARP, ie, Wall Street bailouts and growing govt deficits.

When Obama got elected with a Democrat sweep, the now largely ousted Republicans used the current anti-government populism and co-opted the movement to successfully use against the Democrats to win back the House.

The movement has led to the elimination of most moderate Republicans as compromise was replaced with take no prisoners negotiating.

The old guard Republicans realized they may have bitten off more than they could chew when the newly elected tea party candidates refuse to follow Republican leadership and threatened to push the US into default on its loans by not agreeing to the brokered budget plan. This was stated by S&P as the main reason why the US got a credit downgrade.

Rather than co-opting the tea party, it appeared that the tea party was now co-opting the Republicans as House Majority Leader Boehner struggled for control of his House members.

Whether they continue to grow or weaken will depend on future election successes/failures to see how they fare with mainstream voters.

Posted 10/5/2012 at 4:21 PM by SoullFire

is there any coffee party?

Posted 10/3/2012 at 1:11 PM by maniacsicko
The Tea party was a grass roots group, mostly conservative, concerned with the rape of the constitution. It was quickly co-opted by the mainstream neo-cons, as they could see the real conservatives flocked to the Tea party. Ron Paul supporters were some of the ones that began it, from what I gather. Quickly, Sarah Palin was the face for awhile, as Paul was sqeezed out, and since then, it only seems to be a more conservative arm of the GOP, but thats likely a mainstream definition, meaning the singing turd makes more sense.
Posted 10/3/2012 at 12:13 PM by saturnnights

sounds like all you’re getting is people regurgitating the fecal matter they’ve consumed from their televisions. it’s funny how 100% of the allegedly racist incidences with the tea party were debunked with audio-visual evidence even to the point that early on one show claimed that all these “racist white people” were showing up to Obama’s appearances with guns and their example, whom they were zoomed in on, turned out to be black.

i don’t know everything about the tea party, and im sure there are things in there i would disagree with, but the fact of the matter is, the claims of racism and xenophobia have been factually dis-proven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TErw-Rtimac
this guy has plenty to say on the topic, and even when i disagree with what he says, he still says it well (you can check out his own channel machosauce productions or his website alfonsorachel.com).

best of luck sifting through the BS regurgitated by mental deficients.

Posted 10/3/2012 at 7:32 PM by iones_island