absolutangel64

Considering all the sh*tty children’s drawings I’ve seen, it was hard to believe that any parent would willingly pay money to turn his or her kid’s nightmarish pictures into nightmarish toys. So when I checked out the Child’s Own website yesterday, I was expecting to see an “Under Construction” banner that was put up in the early 2000s, or a message like “We are no longer in business because our idea was awful.” I didn’t, however, see either of those things on the website. In fact, Child’s Own didn’t just survive; it was actually thriving.

You might be thinking, “Well, not all children’s drawings are sh*t storms on paper. There are talented kids who can actually draw out there.” And indeed, I found two drawings that were quite impressive, and turned out to make pretty cute stuffed animals.

An 8-year-old’s dragon:

I would actually buy this for myself.

An 11-year-old’s dog:

Wait, did I say I found two drawings impressive drawings? I meant I only found two. Yes, there were only two decent pictures on the entire site. The rest of them were pretty much what you’d expect of typical kids’ art–i.e., fugly as hell. As for the plush toy versions, those were literally some of the most f*cked up things I’ve ever seen…And now they will become the most f*cked up things you will ever see.

Artist #1, Age 5

Okay, this is either supposed to be (1) a person sexually assaulting a horrified human-ficus hybrid, or (2) a deleted scene from “Powder” in which Powder discovers that the giant cyst on his left shoulder and hand-shaped skin flaps covering his nipples were really the head and arms of his symbiotic twin, Crack.

I looked at this and was like, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” but then I saw this:

What the f*ck is that?! And really, the best thing you could do to cut the creepy out of the drawing was to make two plush toys  instead of one?! Why not throw in some free therapy sessions while you’re at it, because that’s what this kid is going to need when he sees these f*cked up things in the dark!

Artist #2: Age 10

I’m guessing the only reason why the kid named this beast Mud was because he wasn’t aware of the word “sh*tty.”

It appears that Mud was a plesiosaurus who got too close to a narwhal, crocodile, a colony of marine tube worms, and the Fukushima I Nuclear Power Plant. And look! The kid even drew arrows to point out  the burns Mud suffered when he came in contact with nuclear waste.

As if Mud’s life isn’t already bad enough, he also can’t afford a dentist and therefore must live with five rotted-ass teeth and four yellow ones that are on the verge of joining them.

Here is Mud as a plush toy:

On the one hand, I have to give props to Child’s Own for replacing Mud’s jacked up coal-teeth with porcelain veneers. On the other hand, he’s still Mud. And on the third hand, if we sent a 100 of these to Iran, it would be more than enough to convince them to kill their nuclear program.

Artist #3, Age 9

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Artist #4, Age 5

First of all, is this a homework sheet or something? Because it says “F Words” at the top, so I assume this was used to teach children the alphabet. Secondly, a good indicator that your child’s school isn’t cutting it is when—of all the f-words he could have gone with—he chooses “fart”…not “flower,” “frog,” or “fire,” but “fart.” And then he draws a backwards ass that is farting piss.

As if this picture wasn’t enough of an abomination, here it is as a plush toy:

Yes, someone paid for this…with real money.

What the f*ck?! And not only that, why the f*ck?! It doesn’t help that Child’s Own fixed the backwards ass problem. I mean, look at it! It’s farting yellow tulle! Imagine how a kid would look hugging a fuchsia-colored butt with legs and feet, and seemingly frozen in time mid-piss/fart.

Now imagine that same kid also hugging the stuffed human-ficus monster/Powder and Crack tag team. Why? Because they were both drawn by the same child.

Bleach! I need bleach! My eyes need cleansing!