“Crispy mother werewolf”! I finally got a break from work and can resume blogging again! Did you miss me? Because I missed you all so much it’s not even funny!

Okay, so I’ve been working for the past two months on a case that was originally headed towards a settlement, but then suddenly took a detour off the main road and onto a bridge made of sh*t that then collapsed into a pit of more sh*t. In other words, we ended up going to trial…Oh, and the person charged with handling it (a.k.a. “wading through the sh*t pit”) entirely on her own? Me. F*CK!

But that’s a story I’ll reserve for another day because right now I’ve got more important things to talk about—namely, trying to come up with the least dickish way to keep trick-or-treaters away from my precious, precious candy stash.

You all know by now that I am not a fan of Halloween, and it has nothing to do with slutty costumes. My problem has to do with how it’s, for some unknown reason, the one day when kids are given a pass to go to random people’s houses and threaten the residents with “tricks” if their demands for free candy aren’t met. What. The. F*ck. Right? I mean, why should I give someone else’s kid any of the delicious Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kat bars that I bought for myself? Because it’s October 31st? That’s retarded…especially when you consider the actual history behind Halloween:

Halloween’s origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in). The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago…celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred…[and] that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth, [where they would get in all sorts of mischief like] causing trouble and damaging crops…

The History.com article goes on to talk about bonfires, sacrificing crops and animals, and Celts wearing costumes “typically consisting of animal heads and skins.”

At most, the only tradition in our Halloween that may have come from ye olde Halloween is the one about wearing costumes. You might even be able to stretch it to two traditions if you consider ghosts doing sh*t to your crops as maybe a precursor to kids toilet-papering your trees. Maybe.

But the part where October 31st = kids are allowed to ask people for free candy, and strangers are allowed to give it to them? Where the f*ck did that come from? No really, how the f*ck did we go from…

“Celebrating” Halloween because you think it’ll help you survive winter:

…To getting shaken down by grubby kids:

When you think about it, though, if old school Halloween was really about maximizing your horde of life-giving chocolate food, supplies and positive fortunes, then by analogy, I’m not messing with tradition by refusing to give beggars trick-or-treaters candy on Halloween because I’m just trying to maximize my horde of candy. So if anyone is upholding any Halloween traditions, it’s me! Mwaha!

Anyway, I don’t much time to spare before the kids start making the rounds around here, so the best I can do is put a sign outside my door. Ugh, I know I should have started sooner, but the signs indicating that trick-or-treaters would be infiltrating my neighborhood this year didn’t appear until a few days ago, when I noticed that almost every single one of my neighbors had a giant pumpkin displayed outside their doors. And one family actually had eight pumpkins. Argh! Do you know what that means? It means that whoever lives there is probably going to be leading a brigade of trick-or-treaters! A brigade! And given the whole “strength in numbers” bit, I’ll bet one of them is going to be carrying a potato gun or something. F*CK!

The fact that my neighborhood has turned into a pumpkin patch was convincing enough, but what really sealed the deal was when I saw that one of those Halloween-costume warehouses had set up shop nearby in what I assume was probably once a Best Buy or Barnes & Nobles. Those things don’t just show up wherever there’s empty space. They go where the Halloween goes…and apparently, the Halloween is here. F*CK!

I know I’m not the only one who’s going to be protecting a candy stash from today’s trick-or-treaters, so I’m just going to use this post as a place to exchange ideas on what types of signs you can put outside your door to deter kids (and their potato guns) from jacking Kit Kats Peanut Butter Cups. And when I say ideas, I mean real ones as opposed to sh*t like, “Why don’t you just put out a sign that says ‘No candy here’? Uhyuk!” I mean, really? A “No candy here” sign? That’s what pedophiles are supposed to put outside their doors, ass face! That sh*t reeks of chomos and chesters (yeah, I think I need to cut back on the “Lockup” marathons). Seriously, if you saw a house with a sign out front that said, “No candy here” on Hallo-freakin’-ween, you are not going to think, “Aww shucks! We came too late! Now that person doesn’t have any more candy!” Hell no! The first—and only—thought you’re going to have is, “OMG, there’s a child molester in there…let’s stab him!”

And here, allow me to further illustrate the point with a simple Paint drawing:

If you had to choose which house was more likely to belong to a pedophile, my guess is you’re going to pick the one on the left. But then again, I haven’t taken a dump in almost a week (I don’t handle pressure or stress very well) so for all I know, my opinion might be shaded with hints of full-of-sh*tness…

Ooh, you know what? This is the perfect opportunity to try out WordPress’ Add New Poll feature. Hopefully it shows up correctly (it probably won’t).

Anyway, I’d really love to hear any suggestions you may have on what I should put on my passive-aggressive, anti-trick-or-treater sign. So far, the only ideas I have are:

1. The Subpar PSA

2. A Picture of a Praying Mantis

OMG…why are they so horrifying!

3. Some lyrics from “Annie”

Hmm…what do you think?