After mulling it over, I’ve decided to become much more proactive in finding myself the perfect mate. I’m getting tired of waiting for “fate” and “destiny” to do their jobs, and I am no longer interested in those casual flings that all too often end up going nowhere. It’s time I really get serious about finding someone who I know will enrich my life with love and laughter.

I’m looking for a new Gay Best Friend (GBF).

So why am I looking specifically for a “Gay” best friend and not just any regular ol’ best friend? Because I have always gotten along really well with gay people. My best friend in high school was gay, my college roommate was a lesbian, the first person I ever really cared to talk to in law school is a lesbian, etc. I just love hanging out with the gays. They have always been way more open, honest, and accepting than us straight folks, and less work is needed to get on their good sides. As long as you don’t hate on them, you’re in and you pretty much stay there.

However, not any gay will do. There are just some traits that I need more than others and therefore I do have requirements for this highly esteemed position. These have been outlined in a diagram which obviously reflects my artistic prowess:

Yes, my ideal gay is actually a fused version of several famous gays.

First of all, my GBF should have a great sense of style like Tim Gunn from “Project Runway.” If you watch the show, you’ve noticed that he’s always dressed well (albeit usually in a dark-colored suit) and has impeccable taste for women’s fashion. I definitely need someone like this because I have no taste in fashion…except homeless fashion.

Secondly, my GBF should be really caring and sweet like Ross the Intern. Watching him on “Celebrity Fit Club,” he was clearly the nicest person on the show, but that did not mean he wouldn’t put you in your place if you were wrong. However, he used sugar-coated confrontation tactics, which is a lot easier to handle than a regular b*tch slap to the self-esteem. I take very well to being sweetly criticized; criticism presented a different way results in me becoming an evil, chainsaw wielding sasquatch—i.e. you will die before I listen.

Then, my GBF should like gossiping and making fun of people behind their backs. I’m all about exchanging information, especially useless information about a person’s personal life. When someone eats sh*t, I want to know everything about it. With embellishments…and background info…and future predictions. That’s my idea of a good conversation.

Finally, my GBF will need to be like 3 of the 5 “Queer Eye” guys. I only need the shopping, cooking, and personal hygiene characteristics so that I have someone to call in case I needed input on something. I don’t need the music guy, but maybe I’ll need the interior decorater guy after I get married and need help furnishing my mansion. But that’s another story.

Anyway, if you’re an interested gay (sorry, no bisexuals) feel free to contract my secretary, Mr. Eprops. In the meantime, I’ll be hitting up the fabulous West Hollywood.

Considering how expensive iPods are, it was pretty obvious that the price of the iPhone was going to be insane. I mean, it’s basically an iPod, cell phone, camera, web browser, and any other technological toy you can think of all jammed into one unit. There is probably an Easy-Bake Oven in there too…and a forensics lab…and the iPhone probably talks and introduces itself as “Kitt.” (I hope somebody got that because it was damn funny.)

So what’s the dollar equivalent of “insane”? Generally speaking, it’s a lot of money. Specifically, it’s approximately this much:

$ 1,938.76

Yes, you’re seeing correctly: it’s almost going to cost you 2 grand to buy and use the iPhone–and that’s without taxes and miscellaneous fees, so I’m betting the actual price tag to be over $ 2,000. I think it’s also important to mention that this is the lowest possible price to pay for the iPhone. The lowest. The figure is based on the “cheaper” iPhone and the “cheapest” phone plan available:

However, if you still can’t appreciate the exorbitant price tag, here is a list of what $ 1,938.76 could buy you…or rather, me, since this is all based on stuff I like.

That is vile.

Happy Mother’s Day!

I love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love my Mama.

She is beautiful and smart and puts her family ahead of herself–except when she’s watching Korean dramas…but she deserves to indulge after all the years she’s dedicated to making sure her children want for nothing. My Mama is also extremely patient whenever my sister and I make fun of her; she’s been super supportive of me even when I had to redo my 1L year because I was too irresponsible to take it seriously the first time around; she’s always doing her best to look after me while at the same time giving me space to grow and learn from my mistakes. My Mama is anything and everything that makes a perfect mother.

Plus, she gave birth to one of 1982’s cutest babies:

AWW! I am so adorable!

My Mama is wonderful–and I’m sure yours is too. So don’t forget to let your mother know she’s special…especially today.

I recently started making use of the Nintendo DS’s Wifi capabilities by challenging random players to a “Chocobo Tales” pop-up duel. What’s a “pop-up duel,” you ask? Let the master teach you.

Throughout the game, Chocobo collects these duel cards by playing mini-games or completing quests. The cards all have four circles: red, yellow, blue, and green, with the cards’ defensive/offensive capabilities labelled within the circles. As you can see in the little picture up there, the Cactuar card has defense against yellow, green, and blue attacks; the Bomb card has an offensive red skill and a defense against green attacks. The basic idea is to choose a card that can both attack your opponent’s weak color (no shield or sword) and defend against their attack. So in the above example, the person with the Cactuar card is going to get a beating because it does not have a defense against a red attack.

Man, I am super cool for being able to explain that!

Anyway, I’ve been connecting to other “Duelers” around the world and battling them, and let me tell you something: I am f*cking good when it comes to card-induced ass beatings. I mean, my opponents are probably little kids (the game is pretty lame if you’re not a child or into Final Fantasy) but who cares? An ass beating is an ass beating is an ass beating. Period.

However, I haven’t been able to capitalize on my winnings because those losers TURN OFF THEIR SYSTEMS before the score is recorded! They don’t want a loss on their own records so they act like little b*tches and turn off their DS. Do you know how infuriating it is to watch your triple-star rarity Shiva card decimate some stupid kid’s Troll card and then watch the screen go black because of a “Connection Error”? It is enough to make you want to catch a plane to Japan and hunt down the kid who shafted you of your win.

(You best careful Puuru-san…I’m coming for you.)

And it’s even more unfair because I take my loss like every good sportsman should. I’ve only had two, but still—if you’re good enough to beat me then you deserve a notch on your belt…even if I lost only because I was too busy getting my cats out of the turtle tank to pay attention to the game, and therefore did not lose because of lack of skill…but who’s keeping track, right?

If these kids insist on being super cheap about losing, then I’m going to have no choice but to challenge them, lose on purpose, and then shut off my own DS before they get anything out of it. My plan is that this will cause the kids to throw a temper tantrum, which will lead to them throwing their DS into a wall and breaking it, and then getting a traumatic scolding from their parents.

I can’t remember when I last saw a teenage mother. It must have been when I was in high school–most likely my senior year because I recall the theme of my senior prom being “Have a Baby or Die!” I might be mistaken, but I doubt it since quite a few ho-bags showed up pregnant.

Anyway, I only realized how long it’s been since I saw a child-mommy because I just drove past one. I’ll admit that I am really bad at determining a person’s age just by their looks…my guesses are usually too low; so I’m going to give a rough estimate, taking into consideration my weak age-guessing skills.

Baby-Mama was about 14-15 years old, and could not have been any more than a high school sophomore. Next her, pushing a baby carriage, was her baby-daddy. Baby-Daddy also looked as if he was 14-15 years old…and he looked miserable pushing that stroller around on a Friday afternoon. Then behind the two parents was their Goth friend who was probably planning to see “Spider-Man 3” with Baby-Daddy after school, but had his plans sabotaged when Baby-Mama’s Mama called and said Baby-Daddy needed to take his kid out for a stroll.

Normally, I would have found some sort of sick pleasure in watching these two high schoolers live their ruined childhoods, but I didn’t derive any glee this time. Actually, I felt sorry for them–very, very, sorry. It’s not so much that they are possibly going to miss out on being kids–because that’s really not as much fun as your college-age years–it’s more that they can’t do anything without being forced to think about their child. And that’s such a huge burden. I can barely get any sleep when I know I’ve run low on toilet paper and have to go get some in the morning. That’s stressful for me–it wastes precious, precious studying time–so can you imagine what I would be like if I had to take care of a child? I’d probably want to get away from the kid, but my fear of going to Hell would keep me from throwing the baby in a trashcan (the preferred method for the women of USC–and you know I’ve got school pride); I’d most likely end up convincing myself that I’m really a billy goat and run off to live in the mountains with my brethren…or wherever billy goats live. That way I could avoid my parental responsibilities without being quite so immoral. But that’s just me…

Where am I going with this? I have no clue; I just wanted to mention that I saw some teen-parents. I guess I was excited about it or something…the same way you would be if you happened to cross paths with Lindsay Lohan just before she got crushed by a bus. That’s how thrilled I was.

In the pilot episode of “House MD,” Dr. Cameron gets upset at House when he tells her that she was hired because she’s attractive. Cameron finds this information insulting, and starts listing off her academic and professional accomplishments–none of which House is particularly impressed with.

Whenever I watched this episode, I always found Cameron’s reaction to make sense: she worked hard to get her position on House’s team, but was hired for reasons other than what was written on her resume–suggesting that she could have been at the bottom of her class instead of the top and still have gotten hired as long as she looked as pretty as she does–therefore making her efforts somewhat pointless.

But I realized yesterday that Cameron’s reaction is logical for a Cameron–someone who is intelligent, hard-working, has good grades, scored the impressive summer internships…all the things that make a successful professional. The people who are capable of putting in the time and effort into being the best would obviously want to be recognized as such. Anything less would be degrading.

I’m not a Cameron, and I figured this out when I asked myself if I would have been upset if House told me I was hired because I’m attractive.

My answer was a definite, “No, not at all.” In fact, I would have taken it as a compliment.

Of course, that might set the feminist movement back a couple feet–but I’m only advocating “Pretty + Skinny > Resume” for myself because I’m not as intelligent or hard-working as those who deserve the good jobs, and we all know my grades are less-than-stellar. And as for internships–I’ve never had one, and probably never will because I’m too lazy to waste my summer working. I am well aware that my bad habits are going to put me in the lower bracket of potential hires for most jobs I apply for, but I’m fine with that…because I am also well aware that I’m not ugly. I think that will at least get me through the final stages of the review process.

I don’t think relying on looks rather than accomplishments for job security is a negative thing. It’s really no different than the social-whoring people do when they network for people they can use for their advantage: A got the job because she knew someone who knew someone who knew someone; B got the job because she’s skinny and knows how to put on makeup. You’re an idiot if you don’t see the similarity.

The obvious counter to my theory is that it is highly possible that corporate higher-ups are actually looking at the applicant’s resume rather than her face–my response is that it’s just as likely that the male-dominated working world has more testosterone than professionalism, and will add more points for nice legs than they will subtract for mediocre class ranking. What selfish person wouldn’t take advantage of that?

For all my fellow PSP owning brethren–we, the coolest of the cool–let me give you a word of advice: STAY AWAY FROM PSP BLENDER.

PSP Blender is a website that claims to give its users access to legal downloads of “a wide range of PSP games available for download”, movies, television shows, music, etc., with step-by-step instructions on how to transfer and run the files–all for a one-time payment of $37. Skeptical? Why not ask the “PSP Nerd,” who created a video clip which supposedly proves that PSP Blender is a legitimate site that “really works.”

Notice the terrific positioning of the webcam? You can barely see anything on the PSP Nerd’s screen, other than that yellow circle, with the rest being left up to his narration and your imagination skills. He says it works–and “shows” you how easy it is; I say: yes, it does work–but it’s not worth the $37–and contrary to what the PSP Blender FAQ says, the service does not work on all firmware.

Before I start complaining the sham that is PSP Blender and the PSP Nerd, here are some terms you might want to familiarize yourself with—you uncool, non-PSP owners. These are my definitions and probably not what computer science intended, but this is how I understand the language so don’t bother correcting me because I won’t listen.

HOMEBREW: What people call ripping and encoding your PSX games to be compatible with your PSP. I think people are also able to rip and encode games from different video game systems to work with the PSP too.

FIRMWARE: I kind of look at firmware as versions of Windows–and just like Windows comes in Vista and XP, firmware has it’s own upgrades too. With each new upgrade, Sony fixes the holes and problems of the previous version. For the purposes of playing homebrew games, the PSP has to be downgraded to firmware 1.5, because apparently that’s the one that allows you to play ripped games. Currently, firmware up to 3.02 can be downgraded to 1.5–firmware above 3.02 will have to wait until some genius comes by and makes that possible.

Anyway, if I’m complaining about PSP Blender, it means I know it doesn’t work; it means I paid the money and tried it out. And I hated it. And you should too.

I ended up on PSP Blender because I was on Google looking for homebrew programs, and found a few that would work except that I had to downgrade my firmware to 1.5. However, my firmware is 3.11–and if you were paying attention to my little terminology lesson, you’ll know that I was out of luck for a downgrade. But, rather than give up, I trolled around for a website that would allow me to just download games directly to my PSP without dealing with the firmware stuff. I found PSP Blender, was doubtful about the service, found the PSP Nerd’s video, became convinced, and then gave PSP Blender $37.

I spent half an hour going through the “easy step-by-step instructions” on how to get games onto my PSP, only to find out that I didn’t need to pay any money to begin with. The special software I needed to use to get games? A bittorrent client. The search engines that would help me find specific PSP games? Isohunt. Sh*t I already had on my computer. Oh, and the help page on how to get the downloaded games to run on my PSP was just a link to an online board where someone posted instructions. It wasn’t even written by PSP Blender.

And I still needed to downgrade my firmware.

As for the PSP Nerd, this is his website:

Hmm…nothing except for coupons to websites like PSP Blender. Looks like PSP Nerd should actually change his name to “PSP Blender’s Full of Sh*t Coolie”.

Anyway, I got my money back by writing a scathing e-mail to PSP Blender’s bank. You can avoid the hassle simply by avoiding PSP Blender and following my instructions:

1. Make sure your PSP has firmware 1.5 or can be downgraded.

2. Do whatever the websites tell you to do regarding downgrading–I wouldn’t know what to do because I can’t do it.

3. Download a bittorrent client.

4. Search for a PSP game.

5. Download the game.

6. Search the internet for a website that teaches you how to transfer the game onto your PSP.

7. Count out $37 and laugh that you still have it, and PSP Blender doesn’t.

Cure your unhappiness by making someone unhappy!

That’s my secret to my smile, my friends, but what else would you expect? In my worst of moods, Cheetos, Oreo cookies, even cuteoverload.com do not cut it for me–instead, when I need a reason to stop feeling like dirt because I just ruined my Free Cell 12-game winning streak, I turn to my guaranteed pick-me-up:

Ruining a person’s day by letting them know they are ugly.

It’s amazing what trampling on a person’s looks can do for your mood!

When I feel like garbage, I go to beautifulpeople.net and have a field day rating the profiles of newcomers who are applying for membership. True to its name, Beautiful People is only for the beautiful people so membership takes more than just signing up for an account. You have to post a picture of yourself, and then wait as current members rate your looks during your “probationary period.” If you get a high enough rating, you’re in; but, if you get a pathetic rating you’re automatically out even if you’ve got a few days left to go.  I’m guessing the creators have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to uglies.

Unfortunately, women only get to rate men, and men only get to rate women–which I think is actually supposed to prevent existing female members from sabotaging the chances of the women applicants because there is a propensity for jealousy and hate in attractive women, and they cannot accept the possibility that there are other equally attractive women in the world.

I use “they” instead of “we” not because I believe I don’t belong in the group of jealous, hateful attractive women–but because I have never met anyone I should feel jealous and hateful towards…and that’s because I never leave my apartment.

Anyway, at the very least everyone gets to see all the people who are getting voted on, regardless of gender–which is great because I find it extremely amusing when I come across some girl’s profile whose current status is “this profile is NOT being voted in.” Then again, I find it just as funny when I see the same thing on a man’s profile.

Looks something like this:

Yes, I created an account just so I could bag on people. Do I need a better reason?! And neither do you!

And just because I can brag on my own Xanga…

Who is this guy?

I don’t know–but he’s dead.

Larry W. Conradt, Jr. was actually an assistant district attorney in a Texas county, and was caught trying to seduce a 13-year-old boy in a chat room. What was even better was that his conversation was documented by Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” series. And although he never did show up for his rendezvous with what was actually an 18-year-old actor, in Texas you’ve already committed a crime if you’ve only had a dirty conversation with a child–or with someone you think is a child.

So the police go to Conradt’s home to arrest him, and he decides he’d rather shoot himself in the head than face the shame of being known as a sexual predator.

His suicide isn’t of interest to me–what is, however, is that his sister, Patricia, is now suing NBC for “causing” the death of her brother.

Here is some of the garbage she said in a statement:

My family and I have experienced a great deal of hurt and sadness over this situation. And I intend to fight as long and as hard as I can to prevent other people from becoming victims of such reckless action as those taken by your employees which were set in motion by a self appointed group acting as a judge, jury, and executioner that was encouraged by an out-of-control reality show. I will never consider my brother’s death a suicide.
 

I noticed Patty didn’t even hint at the fact that her brother killed himself because he was avoiding being arrested for trying to get into the pants of a 13-year-old boy. And what types of people is she intending to protect from becoming “victims” of “To Catch a Predator”? Oh, I know—people like her brother–PEDOPHILES.

Tell me, Patty, what do you think could have happened to prevent your brother from putting a gun to his head and shooting himself?

Sure, NBC could have chosen a different area than Murphy, Texas to conduct its sting operation–but that would mean your pervert brother would have been chatting with a real 13-year-old boy instead of a decoy. And, he would have been sending a real 13-year-old pictures of his junk and video clips of pornography, and talking about how he likes to fondle and cuddle and molest young boys.

Oh, and then your brother would have met up with this 13-year-old and had sex with him…and maybe, after that, he would go find other young children to ruin.

But, at least he’d still be alive right now, correct? Who cares about the children who “To Catch a Predator” is trying to protect, because people like you prefer to ignore the fact that their family member is a danger to society and should be dead?

You can go ahead and sue NBC all you want, Patricia, but your grief and anger is better directed at your brother, because he did this to himself. No one forced him to go online and try to seduce a child, no one forced him to send those pictures or videos, and no one forced him to give out his home phone number and continue having explicit conversations with someone he thought was a child for two freaking weeks. Your brother chose to be a pervert over you and your family–and he chose to die instead of live with the shame over you.

And I also have something to say to the a**holes in Murphy, Texas who protested about having a sting operation in their county. They had the gall to stand outside the house and warn the pedophiles that NBC was inside.

I totally understand that no one wants pedophiles in their neighborhood–and having a sting operation in your area essentially brings them closer than you would like. However, the point of sting operations is to CATCH people–hence the title, “TO CATCH A PREDATOR.” The show isn’t called “To Bring Pedophiles to Murphy, Texas, and Allow Them to Molest the County’s Children.” And if the protestors thought that their county didn’t have pedophiles, well two of the men were actually from that area—and they were caught before they could get near anyone’s kids.

And all that BS about warning the pedophiles that NBC was in the house was really infuriating because their logic is completely warped. By waving the pedophiles away from the house—away from the police officers–they were letting them go to some other county where the house could actually be inhabited by a real child. How does that make any sense? “Oh, we don’t want perverts getting arrested in our area–we would rather have them in some other area where they may or may not get arrested.” Well you know what? If NBC does an edition of “To Catch a Predator” in my area, I will be sure to warn the pedophiles before they enter the house, and tell them to go to Murphy, Texas where the police won’t be waiting and they can go rape all the kids. Yeah, I know, f*cked up isn’t it? But hey, I’m just looking out for myself.

That would, of course, never happen. If NBC set up their sting operation in the apartment next to mine I would be totally for it. I would even volunteer to be a decoy. I want to be a part of something that will benefit the community–even if it’s just a small portion of it–and getting a pedophile arrested is one of the best things a person can do in today’s society.

And plus, I bet watching the stings in person is a million times more entertaining than watching it on television.

For lack of imagination…

China is retarded. Seriously.

How else would you be able to justify the country’s rationale that implementing a one-child policy in a society that is notorious for preferring sons over daughters is the best way to maintain economic stability? You can’t–unless you say that China is retarded–which I did, and even then the equation still doesn’t make any sense.

And now China is stuck with a population made up of 120 boys for every 100 girls. Maybe that doesn’t seem like very much–but if you consider that the country’s population stands at 1,313,973,713 people, there are about 716,115,674 boys for 597,858,039 girls–which leaves 118,257,635 boys whose existence was made possible because their older sisters had been aborted, and China now being forced to come to terms with the white elephant it was trying to ignore: “the largest, the highest, and the longest” gender imbalance in the world.”

As a Chinese person, I was always aware that only sons could carry on the family name and therefore most Asian families preferred sons over daughters. However, my family immigrated from China to Taiwan during the communist take-over, and there weren’t any restrictions on the number of children a family could have–thus, my dad has a sister and my mom has 5 brothers and sisters. My parents’ siblings all have at least two children each, some of whom have kids of their own, and no one cares if there are daughters in the mix. To be fair, the fact that Taiwan gives its citizens the freedom of reproduction makes it easier to ignore the traditional view that having sons is better than having daughters; plus, it is a much more open-minded society than China, and thus most people have no problems accepting the fact that certain traditions have become obsolete and should not be passed on. That’s not to say the sons-over-daughters thing is dead, but it’s not a concern in Taiwan like it is in China.

What is kind of frustrating about China’s sudden epiphany is that it somehow failed to realize that a shortage of females was the only obvious outcome to their one-child policy. I mean, you only need common sense to realize that:

one-child policy + preference for son + aborting female fetuses = men, men, men

Do I have to say it? DUH. DUH. DUH. Where does it seem even remotely possible that the formula would be:

one-child policy + preference for son + aborting female fetuses = becoming the next super power of the world with a balanced population

And you know what is oddly ironic about this whole mess? China’s one-child policy led to a surge in abortions of female fetuses because these families knew that the only way they could continue on the family name was to use their one-child privilege on a son–but now, there aren’t even enough women for these sons to continue the family name with. Good looking out, people, you killed your daughters for nothing.

What I hope ends up happening is that the shortage of women in China is going to start making daughters the new trend in procreation, because now families that have chosen to keep their daughters are going to be able to pick and choose which bachelors their daughters marry. And no longer is it going to be “I’ll give you a dowry if you marry my daughter;” it’s  now going to be “you’re going to do a lot better than selling your soul to the devil if you want my daughter.” The desperation of men who are obligated to have a kid and carry on the family name knows no bounds—and families should definitely capitalize on it…if not for themselves, then for the 750,000 girls who were aborted because of a stupid policy and a tradition that has no place in modern societies.