A rite of passage for every law student is reading the famous torts case, “Palsgraf v. Long Island Railroad.” It is the major case in the study of proximate cause–I’d even go as far as saying that “Palsgraf” puts the “P” in “proximate cause.” (I know, I’m really clever.)

Anyway, for those who don’t know what I’m talking about, the story goes something like this:

Ms. Palsgraf was standing on a platform waiting for her train to arrive. While waiting, another train was disembarking–which was apparently the train a mystery man did not want to miss. The man jumped onto the moving train, but wasn’t able to get stable footing, so railway officials on the train helped the man board. Somehow the man’s package fell him his grasp and onto the tracks–the package being filled with fireworks which exploded. The explosion caused scales to fall onto Ms. Palsgraf, who was still standing on the platform some 30 feet away, and injured her.

Anyway, the whole reason why this case is famous is because Ms. Palsgraf lost her negligence suit against the train station because it wasn’t foreseeable that she would be harmed when the station negligently helped the man board the train. Afterall, she was standing 30 feet away, and the package didn’t indicate that it was filled with fireworks. All in all, she was not within the “zone of danger” and therefore lost.

The extent of a Palsgraf study usually ends at that. However, did anyone ever wonder what happened to Ms. Palsgraf after her lawsuit? Of course you did…and here is the answer!

http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1102543076693

I’m not about to paste the whole article because it is a bit too long for a blog; but I can type that the Palsgraf family has suffered what they call a “curse” because they have had more than their fair share of misfortunes—which lead them to sue and, guess what, lose.

While driving home last night after class, I was listening to 97.1’s “Conway and Whitman” show and the topic was why men tend to get turned off by women who are well educated. Apparently there was an article in USA Today or something entitled, “Smart Women Finish Last,” and it mentioned how a greater number of intelligent women are single compared to dumb women. And of course, being a radio talk show, the host fielded phone calls from listeners, and most of them happened to be men. And guess what? All the opinions I heard were about how intelligent women tend to be more opinionated and argumentative, which turns men off. Therefore, men prefer dumb women because they don’t say anything.

Naturally, as an educated woman, I was turned off by these comments. These men, who don’t like smart women because they “nag” too much, are obviously the type who crush beer cans on their foreheads and wipe their asses with beef jerky. You know, the kind of guys who still believe in “barefoot and pregnant,” and think beating their exgirlfriends will convince them to come back. Yeah, real winners. And do you know why they don’t like smart women? Because smart women are capable of seeing through the veil of chauvinism–and therefore know when a man is trying hard to hide the fact that his testicles are full of air.

Here’s the thing: you don’t need to be smart to have opinions. And you don’t need to be smart to realize when someone says or does things that are wrong. So the argument that smart women tend to be more argumentative is completely hollow.

So what’s the real issue? Some guys prefer to be ignorant of their own shortcomings; it makes them feel manly and dominant…and dumb girls have bad taste and therefore don’t notice those shortcomings.

But smart girls, they’ve got class. They prefer men of their own kind, their own breed, and they’re aware that they are in a position to be able to pick and choose. So if you’re a guy with a minor flaw, but it irritates a smart girl, she will leave you and go find someone better. Because she can take care of herself, and therefore isn’t in any rush to get married to a breadwinner. She is the breadwinner.

So for every guy who believes smart women are the Devil because they talk too much or whatever, those guys are exactly the type of guys that women with brains actively avoid. If we are the Devil, then you are the Plague. And you know…I would not trade my intelligence for all the money, fame, or success in the world—because that is my protection against deadbeat losers who spend their weekends sitting in ratty love seats and high-five each other whenever they hear someone on television say “ass.”

Happy Birthday, Loretta! 

You are 4 years old today!

I am more than blessed to have you as my sister. You are the only person who understands my jokes, and you laugh with me at things no one else finds funny. And you are always there for me whenever I need someone to share my troubles with–I owe you a lot for keeping me sane.

If it weren’t for you, our Greatest Hits album would never exist.

The Shimi Shami Shamba wouldn’t have been a dance craze.

Strawberry Shortcake’s movie would have no fans.

Muzzy would just be a green creature that dances with elves.

No one would know what Peter Rabbit haded to do.

Datson wouldn’t have a theme song.

No one would trick me into eating bitter, red frosting.

Crispy meat wouldn’t be funny.

And so on…

Thank you for making me laugh every day.

I think all of us, at some point in our lives, have been scolded for wasting food–and the scolding usually consists of the phrase, “there are starving Africans in the world!” or some variation of the term. That’s the automatic chiding that comes out of a person’s mouth the instant they sense someone is going to toss their half-eaten sandwich, the Tootsi Pop that wouldn’t give up its chocolate center, the nasty left-over KFC that became all soggy after a night in the refridgerator. Move too close to a trash bin while you’re holding a bag of chips and *BAM!* 1 thousand people are going to start screaming, “what about the Africans?!?”

It’s scientifically proven.

But using the plight of the hungry as a way to get people not to waste food doesn’t make very much sense…since not throwing away food doesn’t make fewer people hungry, does it? Let’s think about this for second:

If you told me I should get a box for the leftover fatty pieces of chicken that I refuse to eat, and your only argument is that some homeless person is hungry right this second—I wouldn’t be any more inclined to box up the fatty pieces. Because even if I did, that hungry homeless person would still be hungry.  And even if I did force myself to eat the fatty pieces on behalf of the homeless, the orphans, or the starving Africans, they would still be starving. So unless you could show me how my finishing up every little bit of food on my plate will actually, physically, benefit those who are less fortunate, don’t open your mouth unless you’re planning on eating my leftover fatty chicken pieces for me.

Okay, I know all that stuff I wrote is based on my taking the “starving Africans” phrase literally. I know the actual purpose of the phrase is to get us to appreciate what we have. That is a very good purpose…no one should take their good fortune for granted. But I actually think throwing food away is an indication of my appreciation, and not a sign that I am ungrateful. Because if I throw food away, that means I’ve been able to eat as much as I wanted, and now I no longer need to eat anymore–it essentially shows that I have a full belly and am thankful that I am not starving and needing every bit of nourishment I can get my hands on.

And if that doesn’t work for you, then maybe this will: I am not throwing food away, because when I put it in the trash can, I am actually donating it to someone who will eat it later for dinner.

Note: this doesn’t mean I don’t care about the starving people. I just think there are much more effective ways of helping people out than eating all your leftovers…ever heard of donating money to charity?

I have conquered the behemoth known as “IRAC.”

Pronounced “Iraq”–but not having anything to do with the country–IRAC is the standard format for writing legal documents: Issue, Rule, Application (of the Rule) and Conclusion. Deviating from this basic structure results in red marks and low scores–I should know, for I created the IRARCAC…and apparently I was the only one who thought of myself as a genius.

Last year I had a really hard time figuring this IRAC out. Whereas in high school and college you can get by as long as you maintain a linear train of thought, it doesn’t work that way in law school. I’ve never been forced to restrict my writing until I got here: issues only go in one place, rules follow the issues, do not put rules in the application section because that’s not where they belong, analyze the rule before the conclusion, etc. And you end up having to forget everything you learned about writing so you can teach yourself something completely different. It’s really quite taxing if you’re set in your ways.

Since I didn’t fully grasp IRAC in my first year, my writing projects were usually average or below average. It was pitiful and a real b*tch slap to the pride…I probably would have continued to do sub-par work if I was able to advance into the 2L classes. Who knows what would have happened if I actually graduated on time! I would have writing skills and an even worse background in basic law subjects. In that respect, I’m very thankful that I’ve been given the opportunity to take another crack at 1L life…because, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten the highest score in the class on our first office memo.

Nyahahaha. Sometimes it pays to be stupid.

Whee! Contract midterm tomorrow! SWEET!

Midterm week begins on October 2, and yours truly has a contracts midterm on Thursday, October 5. I am actually really excited about my midterm because, to be quite honest, I have become very bored…

Well, what did I expect right? If I’m repeating my 1L classes, then this is the price I pay. But for some reason I thought I was really stupid and hadn’t absorbed anything the first time around, so I just assumed I was going to be learning stuff I kind of didn’t know to begin with. But…lo’ and behold…I remembered everything and now….now it’s just boring. Damn my intelligence.

So I’m really looking forward to taking a real midterm—with grades and stuff. It’s going to be different and a challenge…and plus, I really want to experience what it feels like to get a high score instead of the lowest one. I imagine it to be fun…heh.

By the way, has anyone seen the Jackass 2 movie yet? I would like to see it but I want to know ahead of time if there are any scenes that are especially disgusting; e.g. paper cutting scene from Jackass 1. The only reason why I knew ahead of time when to avert my eyes for that one was because EVERYONE I talked to said that was the worst scene ever…and I would like to take the same preventative measures this time around since I will be seeing it in the theater instead of on Comedy Central…can’t mute it or run to the kitchen in a theater, now can I?

Spoilers are welcome.

Found this terrific review of Jet Li’s movie, “Fearless” on msn.com just now. It’s not written by a legitimate film critic–which is obvious considering the biggest gripe this guy has:

SUBTITLES ARE LAME By: John 0 out of 0 users found this helpful

I didnt know this movie was all subtitles, it totally bites having to read long stretches of dialogue. The movie was bad. Got boring and dragged. Why pay money to watch it in the theater and read, when you can wait for DVD and watch it with English.

Indeed, John, subtitles are lame…for the illiterate. But it shouldn’t be an issue if you know how to read those “long stretches of dialogue”–oh wait, I’m guessing you can’t because you ended up becoming lost and are now trying to cover it up by saying the movie was “boring and dragged.” I too, find movies to be boring when they are in a foreign language and I can’t read the subtitles fast enough because I have a fourth grade education. Oh wait…that’s not me…that’s YOU! And everyone else like you who complains about reading subtitles.

I get it…some people prefer not having to read words on the bottom of the screen because it takes your eyes off the rest of the screen for a few moments. That’s fine…those people probably avoid watching movies featuring a foreign action star–who is wearing clothes and has his hair done the way they did back in the old days in China. Somehow that movie poster tricked John into thinking the film was going to be in English…but if he could read he probably would have figured out from other sources (i.e. internet, newspapers, DMX not being in the movie) that this is going to be Chinese-language only.

Hey, I could care less if you don’t like subtitles. Fine…whatever. My problem is by going to a foreign movie and complaining that there are subtitles, you are (1) asking for it, and (2) setting literacy back a million years. Deal with it. And if can’t read fast enough to follow along, or you get tired of reading…you’re really pathetic and just plain lazy.

And why the hell would you want to watch the movie dubbed in English? Why not just dub it yourself then?

I went out to dinner a few nights ago and recognized one of the restaurant’s patrons as a sorority girl who went to USC at the same time I was there (I’m not going to say she went to USC with me because that would imply that we were friends…I don’t want to be linked to slutty trash). She was with her male “friend”…which could mean anything nowadays…and was wearing a small T-shirt wrapped up so that her stomach was showing and a pair of tight jeans. Oh, and she accessorized her ho-bag outfit with a pair of tires coming out the waistband of her two-sizes-too-small jeans. That’s right: she was sporting a MUFFIN TOP. And no amount of pancake make-up or brown highlights was going to hide it.

I overhear a woman behind me whisper in Chinese, “that girl looks terrible.” Word, lady, word.

(I bet that girl lives on Drury Lane…please tell me someone got that joke because it was sheer genius on my part.)

I don’t have anything against sorority girls…what you people do with your money is your own business…but I do have a problem with bulging bellies that should be completely covered underneathe layers and layers of cloth, and then chained up with a big “Hazardous” sign attached to the front. It doesn’t matter who or what you are: if you’ve got a muffin top, you’re on my sh*t list.

What’s the deal, ladies? Whatever happened to taking care of our appearances? If the jean feels too tight, it probably is. But if it looks too tight, it most definitely is. And maybe your legs look great in those jeans you no longer fit in, and maybe your butt has never looked better…but no one is going to be noticing those assets if all they can see is your gut drooping off the sides.

And guys, what are you thinking? You’re probably right in assuming that this girl is really slutty and is going to great lengths to get your attention–and therefore you’re automatically guaranteed a one-night stand–but you’re banging a girl with a belly. And you know she doesn’t have an excuse for that belly other than that she is too lazy to exercise and she thinks she’s better looking than she really is…that’s not a lay worth bragging about. “Woah dude…I got with Fat Fannie…she’s easy…” Well duh…she’s got a nasty belly.

Remember this?

I have never used drugs…other than prescription medication prescribed directly to me by my doctor (Rush Limbaugh, you dirty bastard)…I’ve also never smoked before in my life. Except for the poppyseed muffins I had a few years ago, I’m 100% Drug Free…

But why am I so fortunate in this day and age of fornication and rampant substance abuse? I never got a “don’t do drugs” speech from my parents…but I did pass “D.A.R.E” in the 7th grade…not that I remember any of it…so I guess that doesn’t count.

I actually attribute my clean slate to my vanity. Pure and simple: I am so into my looks that I chose not to do drugs because I didn’t want to look like them:

Before and After Meth User Photos

There is nothing wrong with being thin, but there is when it is coupled with gaunt complexions and facial lesions.

That’s right…I stayed drug and smoke free, not because I wanted to be healthy, but because I didn’t want to look like a horrible mess of skin, stank, and broken blisters. That’s not a good look for anyone…unless your name is Flavor Flav. Because apparently, as long as you have some money and a VH1 camera crew in tow, you can have a massive herpes outbreak all over your body and you’d still get decent looking women. Albeit thick women…but to each his own.

My reason for being an Ideal Citizen is pretty bad…it kind of misses the point of all those public service announcements and after school specials: drugs can kill you, smoking doesn’t make you look cool, crack is whack…etc. But then again, I might have been ahead of my time.

Children nowadays are wrapped up in being adults…not just regular adults, but worshipped adults who set pop culture precedents (those Bratz dolls aren’t helping). And I think as long as children believe that being Paris Hilton is a career option, they’re less apt to care about the consequences of certain actions—like using drugs–and more about being a stupid used-up coochie woman who can’t talk her way about a DUI.

But what if you tell them that if they use drugs, they’ll end up looking more like Freddy Krueger than Freddie Prinze Junior (that was the only name I could come up with, okay)? With all those potholes and scabs on his face…facial deformities a prom king not maketh. And if you want to be sex symbol, you can’t go around looking like you’re necrophiliac bait.

See, hearing that makes my unborn child not want to use drugs either (because she is vain like me…even in egg form). It’s much more effective than “your days are numbered if you smoke meth Arr!”

NBC should seriously consider me for a PSA.

My desk…

My cats picking the best spot to nap.