Whomp whomp…

How long do you think it’ll be before they notice…?

Like I said yesterday, I’m going to reveal to you the new love in my life and the reason why I haven’t done much of anything in the past–OMG, 6 months…

Ladies and gentlemen, please meet the newest member of my adorable family:

Scrambles!

Yes, the new love in my life is a cat–that was probably so obvious, right?

That cute, precious kitten that is sucking on my ear is Scrambles, and my sister adopted her for me for my birthday. I’ve always wanted a black cat because they’re usually unwanted or treated terribly because of some stupid ass superstition about black cats being bad luck. That’s so f*cking retarded! The idea that bad luck can be carried around by a domesticated animal that has black fur. If that’s true, then why aren’t those asshats saying the same thing about black dogs, horses, cows, etc.? I mean, crows are totally black, but you don’t see anyone sh*tting themselves whenever ones flies past them. No, people are instead going, “OMG! Crows are, like, so totally smart because they turn garbage into tools!” Prison inmates do that too, you know, so really, if you think about it, it’s way more likely that crows are the souls of inmates reincarnated than it is for a black cat to bring you bad luck by virtue of it being black. Just saying.

Anyway, I really wanted to introduce her way, way earlier, but I hit a huge problem when I tried to draw her Paint form:

And that’s a HUGE problem because she would just be a black, cat-shaped mass hovering in my Paint pictures…which sounds okay, but when you actually see it, it’s creepy as hell…

Some people might not see this as much of a problem. “Just draw Scrambles as a dark grey cat,” right? Problem solved, right? Yeah, I guess I could do that…if I was an average artist with no sense of
integrity. But that sh*t isn’t going to work for me because HELLO! I’m a serious artist who takes her art seriously! And here’s proof!

Oh snap! Which one is the photo and which one is the Paint picture?!

Okay, maybe my drawings don’t accurately reflect reality, but they’re close enough. I mean, Pepper is black, brown and white and Walnut is two shades of grey, so technically my art still imitates life even though I totally ignored their fur patterns because I drew them using those same colors.

Anyway, the point is, my blog is the one place where I can honestly be myself, and drawing Scrambles as a dark grey cat instead of the black cat she really is just felt like a terrible, terrible lie. So I spent the
following months trying to figure out how to draw her, and the best idea I was able to come up with was to draw her as a plate of scrambled eggs instead of a cat:

Does that yellow mass look like scrambled eggs to you? No. It just looks like I half-assed a lion’s head. And since I didn’t really want to explain that the half-assed lion head was actually a plate of scrambled eggs that I drew to represent my new kitten Scrambles because I couldn’t draw a black cat with a face, I tried to make the scrambled egginess more obvious by adding strips of bacon.

That…I don’t even know what that is…I guess if I had to give it a name, it’d be called ROCK BOTTOM.

So now I had a half-assed lion head with bacon strips on it, and it made me so frustrated and despondent that I had to take a break and wouldn’t try again until the following weekend…and this pattern went on for months…just faceless black cats and half-assed lion heads with strips of bacon…And eventually I started wondering if maybe I should just scrap the post all together because this one drawing was taking too long…

But then! Heaven opened up and angels started singing to me and crap and–okay no, it wasn’t that dramatic…One day my sister asked me to send her a picture of Scrambles so she could see how much bigger she’d grown, and that was the moment that changed EVERYTHING.

Look! Do you see what I see? Here…this might be a better angle:

The flash made Scrambles’ fur look dark grey! DARK GREY!!!! MWAHAHAHA! And you know what that means? It means another introduction is in order! Everyone…

Okay, I didn’t notice how much time had passed since my last post and I’m really, really sorry about that! Especially since it happened after I wrote about how I’m back for good and everything…so embarrassing! I wrote a few posts during that time, I just haven’t finished them yet because I don’t feel like they’re up to par…But the upcoming one (TOMORROW) will explain what has been keeping me so busy recently. (Hint, hint: It’s a new love in my life.)

By the way…who knew there even was a Fat Axl meme before it came out that Axl Rose was trying to get Google to remove those pictures? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

So this past year and a half has been quite an adventure for me. I left Los Angeles, started a new job, and split up from Mr. Hamburger. I’m happy for the first time in a long time, and I’m going to finally get back to where I should have been this entire time–on my blog. My faithful, beloved blog…I’ve missed you so. No more long pauses. No more disappearing acts. I am back for good.

But before I post anything (and I have SO much stuff to cover!)…I just wanted to say that Turnip, my sweet, precious baby, passed away two weeks ago. He co-starred in almost all of my Paint pictures, and was a huge part of my life for 10 great years. I miss him every day, but I know we’ll see each other again, and I’m so very grateful to have the memories of the time I had with him–many of which were memorialized in some of my favorite posts…

Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love really is…

Okay! I’m going to blow my nose and get my face back in order and then I’m going to blog like it’s nineteen ninety-ni–no, that’s not right. I had dial-up back then…it was impossible for me to blog. Wait, let me start over…

Hold on to your butts! I’m going to blog like it’s 2000-something!

Not that much better, but who cares? I’m back!!!

I’ve been really busy again, unfortunately, and my life has been on constant clusterf*ck status so I haven’t had a lot of time to do anything other than work. That sh*tty schedule means I’m out of the loop on a lot of things,  including this FIFA scandal everyone’s talking about. I mean, what’s going on with it? I tried to read this Gawker article that was supposed to help explain the scandal to people who didn’t follow sports, but it was too soccer-heavy for me and I nodded off somewhere…yes, I’m American.

But! I love me some good scandals, and this FIFA mess seems to have a lot of the ooey, gooey controversial goodness I love sinking my teeth into. I really want to know what’s going on, but anything I read about it is going to include a lot of soccer (zzzz…) information that’s just going to put me to sleep. Soccer (zzzz…) is so boring! Give me a break!

Anyway, I have a huge favor to ask: Would someone mind explaining what’s going on with FIFA, but instead of using soccer (zzzz…) terms, could you use McDonald’s menu items and characters? Because, as you are all aware of by now, I love McDonald’s, and by using its delicious burgers and iconic characters in your explanation, I will for sure be able understand the FIFA mess without any problems!

Anyone want to help educate a starving mind? Ooohh…if it’s super helpful, I’ll illustrate it and post it as a collaboration work to help all the other lost souls like me find their way to FIFA-scandal nirvana!

So I got some Biotene for my dad the other day because he’s on medication that causes dry mouth, and a brilliant idea popped into head as I was checking out: “Hey, I should totally try rinsing my mouth out with this even though I don’t have dry mouth because why not?” Completely logical thing to do, right?

So I tried it and I have to say…maybe the sensation would be different if I actually had a legitimate reason to use the stuff, but when I was swishing it around in my mouth, it felt like I had a mouthful of sweet saliva all up in my primary face hole. Seriously, the consistency of Biotene is similar to human saliva, and it’s really weird having it in your mouth because you know it’s not your saliva. So the whole time I was going, “OMG, it’s like I’ve got a lot of someone else’s saliva in my mouth…!”