He only started taking classes two weeks ago because the Groupon he bought on impulse was about to expire, and wasn’t planning on doing more than the 10 sessions he purchased until he one day got a bunch of “Likes” on Facebook for the status update he posted about being late to yoga class because of crappy traffic. After that, he was suddenly all up on yoga’s ass and trying to get everyone else up on it too by posting links to articles touting yoga’s benefits and asking all of his friends to try it out.
You decline because it’s not your thing, but Overnight-Yoga-Enthusiast Friend keeps pushing you into taking a class with him because he believes you’ll find it as life changing and amazing as he did, even though you’ve already told him a thousand times by then, “No, I won’t find yoga life changing or amazing, so stop trying to pressure me into taking the gateway drug to veganism!”? (Yes, yoga enthusiasm –> veganism. Seriously, a meat-eating yoga enthusiast in this era of hipsters and douche bags? You’d have a better chance of finding a village of unicorn-and-alpaca-raising cthulhus in the middle of the Sahara Desert.)
I don’t have any overnight-yoga-enthusiast friends, thankfully…or maybe I do, but they know me well enough to know that they’d be wasting their energy trying to convert me. In any event, if I ever do find myself being the target of unwanted yoga invitations from a friend who thinks “no” really means “I’ll eventually say ‘yes’ so please keep asking me to go to class with you over and over again,” I’ve devised a way to make the invites stop once and for all.
Step 1: Accept the invitation
Step 2: While everyone else is following along with the yoga instructor…
…Lose your sh*t and start breaking out Dhalsim’s moves from Street Fighter!
Yoga Fire!
Yoga Flame!
And my favorite: Yoga Teleport!
Disappear!
Time-Space Travel!
Reappear…and WIN!
Mwahahahahahaha!
Note: Doing this may result in security being called in to remove you from the premises and/or you’ll lose Overnight-Yoga-Enthusiast Friend as a friend…but who gives a sh*t? That still means you won’t have to worry about being invited to classes ever again, so the WIN stands.
“Crispy mother werewolf”! I finally got a break from work and can resume blogging again! Did you miss me? Because I missed you all so much it’s not even funny!
Okay, so I’ve been working for the past two months on a case that was originally headed towards a settlement, but then suddenly took a detour off the main road and onto a bridge made of sh*t that then collapsed into a pit of more sh*t. In other words, we ended up going to trial…Oh, and the person charged with handling it (a.k.a. “wading through the sh*t pit”) entirely on her own? Me. F*CK!
But that’s a story I’ll reserve for another day because right now I’ve got more important things to talk about—namely, trying to come up with the least dickish way to keep trick-or-treaters away from my precious, precious candy stash.
You all know by now that I am not a fan of Halloween, and it has nothing to do with slutty costumes. My problem has to do with how it’s, for some unknown reason, the one day when kids are given a pass to go to random people’s houses and threaten the residents with “tricks” if their demands for free candy aren’t met. What. The. F*ck. Right? I mean, why should I give someone else’s kid any of the delicious Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kat bars that I bought for myself? Because it’s October 31st? That’s retarded…especially when you consider the actual history behind Halloween:
Halloween’s origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in). The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago…celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred…[and] that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth, [where they would get in all sorts of mischief like] causing trouble and damaging crops…
The History.com article goes on to talk about bonfires, sacrificing crops and animals, and Celts wearing costumes “typically consisting of animal heads and skins.”
At most, the only tradition in our Halloween that may have come from ye olde Halloween is the one about wearing costumes. You might even be able to stretch it to two traditions if you consider ghosts doing sh*t to your crops as maybe a precursor to kids toilet-papering your trees. Maybe.
But the part where October 31st = kids are allowed to ask people for free candy, and strangers are allowed to give it to them? Where the f*ck did that come from? No really, how the f*ck did we go from…
“Celebrating” Halloween because you think it’ll help you survive winter:
…To getting shaken down by grubby kids:
When you think about it, though, if old school Halloween was really about maximizing your horde of life-giving chocolate food, supplies and positive fortunes, then by analogy, I’m not messing with tradition by refusing to give beggars trick-or-treaters candy on Halloween because I’m just trying to maximize my horde of candy. So if anyone is upholding any Halloween traditions, it’s me! Mwaha!
Anyway, I don’t much time to spare before the kids start making the rounds around here, so the best I can do is put a sign outside my door. Ugh, I know I should have started sooner, but the signs indicating that trick-or-treaters would be infiltrating my neighborhood this year didn’t appear until a few days ago, when I noticed that almost every single one of my neighbors had a giant pumpkin displayed outside their doors. And one family actually had eight pumpkins. Argh! Do you know what that means? It means that whoever lives there is probably going to be leading a brigade of trick-or-treaters! A brigade! And given the whole “strength in numbers” bit, I’ll bet one of them is going to be carrying a potato gun or something. F*CK!
The fact that my neighborhood has turned into a pumpkin patch was convincing enough, but what really sealed the deal was when I saw that one of those Halloween-costume warehouses had set up shop nearby in what I assume was probably once a Best Buy or Barnes & Nobles. Those things don’t just show up wherever there’s empty space. They go where the Halloween goes…and apparently, the Halloween is here. F*CK!
I know I’m not the only one who’s going to be protecting a candy stash from today’s trick-or-treaters, so I’m just going to use this post as a place to exchange ideas on what types of signs you can put outside your door to deter kids (and their potato guns) from jacking Kit Kats Peanut Butter Cups. And when I say ideas, I mean real ones as opposed to sh*t like, “Why don’t you just put out a sign that says ‘No candy here’? Uhyuk!” I mean, really? A “No candy here” sign? That’s what pedophiles are supposed to put outside their doors, ass face! That sh*t reeks of chomos and chesters (yeah, I think I need to cut back on the “Lockup” marathons). Seriously, if you saw a house with a sign out front that said, “No candy here” on Hallo-freakin’-ween, you are not going to think, “Aww shucks! We came too late! Now that person doesn’t have any more candy!” Hell no! The first—and only—thought you’re going to have is, “OMG, there’s a child molester in there…let’s stab him!”
And here, allow me to further illustrate the point with a simple Paint drawing:
If you had to choose which house was more likely to belong to a pedophile, my guess is you’re going to pick the one on the left. But then again, I haven’t taken a dump in almost a week (I don’t handle pressure or stress very well) so for all I know, my opinion might be shaded with hints of full-of-sh*tness…
Ooh, you know what? This is the perfect opportunity to try out WordPress’ Add New Poll feature. Hopefully it shows up correctly (it probably won’t).
Anyway, I’d really love to hear any suggestions you may have on what I should put on my passive-aggressive, anti-trick-or-treater sign. So far, the only ideas I have are:
Since I’m not particularly talented in the field fly-murdering, I instead put all of my energy into defending my space from being infiltrated by those sh*t-eaters. And when I say “all my energy,” I mean I’m obsessed with keeping flies away. I have three cats, people! You know how much sh*t three cats can produce? Enough for me to say, “My place is full of sh*t!” So a fly that can make it past my barrier (which is really just me flailing my arms around all mightily as I’m walking in or out of the house) is pretty much set for life.
While I’m generally a lot more successful at keeping flies out than I am at killing them, I did go through a rough patch where six or seven flies managed to make it in. Not all at once though, that’d be gross. I’ve actually never had more than one fly in here at a time because I always go into lockdown mode the second one enters the no-f*cking-fly zone–i.e., doors and windows are boarded up, and no one is allowed to enter or exit the house until the fly is dead. Overkill, you say? I guess you’ve never seen what a fly larva looks like. Go look it up and see if you feel the same way afterwards. I doubt you will.
Considering how anal I am about keeping flies away, you may be wondering how the f*ck six or seven of them ended up in my house. That’s because my cats love going outside and sitting in the sun. They also like taking short walks, which would be fine if they were just strolling around in the yard. Turnip and Pepper, however, usually pull this sh*t because they prefer a walking path that goes in and out of the house:
Yes, that’s literally how every fly has gotten in…and then we’re all stuck in lockdown until it dies–usually of natural causes because, like I said, I really suck at killing flies.
…At least I used to. Never thought I’d get say that, did you? Me neither, which is why I’m going to say it again: I used to suck at killing flies! Used to! UUUUUUUUUSED TOOOOOOOOOO! *tumbleweed*
That’s right, I’ve gone from being an inept fly-murderer to an adept assassin of flying sh*t-eaters! Mwahahaha! The record now stands at Me: 6 or 7, Flies: DEAD.
Right now you’re probably all, “OMG! How can I become as kick-ass at fly killing as Sylvia? She’s so awesome!” Fear not, my young pad thai, for I am going to train you in the, uh, Art Arts so that you, too, may become as awesome as I am. The road to mastery may be treacherous and difficult, but I have faith that you will succeed where others have failed because they are better at using flyswatters and don’t need to rely on Art Arts.
Anyway! There at 10 Steps in Sylvia’s Art Art of Fly Killing:
Step 1: When it’s nighttime, turn off all your lights except for one that you don’t mind getting wet.
Step 2: Wait for the fly to land on the lampshade or somewhere near it. And it will, trust me. You won’t even have to cover you lamp in poo or anything because the light is enticing enough.
Step 3: Once the fly lands and starts thinking it has the best life ever, grab a bottle of cleaning spray (I use Lysol’s “Neutra Air Fabric Mist”) and aerosol the living sh*t out of it!
Moonlit Lavender…A.K.A. the sweet smell of bad-assery.
Step 4: Maybe it’s because its wings are soaked with chemicals, or perhaps it’s disoriented after getting the living sh*t sprayed out of it, but either way, the fly is going to fall to the ground…
Step 5: Take this chance by the nuts and crush the fly under a pile of books!
Step 6: Stomp on the pile a few times to make sure the fly is thoroughly squashed.
Step 7: If in doubt, throw a lit match onto the books-and-dead-fly-paste pile.
Step 8: Cackle evilly even though you’ve just started a fire in your house…because who sets a fire in their home when it doesn’t even have a fireplace? A dumb bad ass!
Step 9: Realize you’re retarded…
Step 10: Have an epic meltdown.
O-on second thought, ignore Steps 7-10. Steps 1-6, however, are still golden.
Read an article on Perezhilton.com about that bald British actor who plays the same character in every movie Jason Statham–> Curious about the age difference between Statham and his girlfriend –> Looks him up on Wikipedia –> Sees that he was previously linked to a Kelly Brook –> Clicks on the link to Kelly Brook’s page to see what she looks like –> Sees this:
It says Kelly Brook is a “…pornstar who has massibe breasts that I wanna lick.”
–> Massibe? –> Looks down at keyboard –> Sees the “V” and “B” keys are right next to each other –> Spelling Nazi inside me goes nuts, “‘Massibe’?! Are you f*cking serious?! It’s ‘massive’! Maaaasssssiiiiive!!!!”
Did you see what Jon posted this morning? In case you didn’t, here’s the link to the latest update on Xanga 2.0. For your convenience, however, I’ve cut and pasted the meat of his entry:
At this point, we are just a few thousand dollars short of raising $50,000!We can’t thank you all enough for your incredible support and bringing us so close to our target of $60k. I have decided that if we can reach $50,000 in total pledges, then I will personally put in the next $10,000 that we need to reach our target.
I spoke to Crowdhoster and they suggested that the easiest way to achieve this would be to lower the campaign target to $50,000. They also pointed out that if we wanted to, we could enable members to continue to pledge towards the campaign in Augustso that more Xangans could still migrate over to Xanga 2.0. At the current rate of funding, we are on track to hit $60k before the end of August – which is great. But we’d love to get started buying a bunch of additional servers before then, so my contribution should help get things moving asap! Since we will continue to have everyone’s data available in our networking facility through the end of August, leaving the campaign open for extra time made a lot of sense and we’ve gone ahead and enabled that.
I’m calling some serious sh*tnanegans on that right there because it totally contradicts what he said on Roadlesstaken’s radio show back on July 30, 2013:
A: If xanga does not raise money by deadline will it be pushed back?
J: Deadline is hard coded in software. Can’t ask Kickstarter to give more time.Confident we’re on track to meet goals.
Hmm…yeah, I guess you can’t ask for more time since they f*cking came up with the idea in the first place. And why is Crowdhoster even suggesting that you lower the campaign target? If you need $60K to get Xanga 2.0 off the ground, then you need $60K, right? It shouldn’t matter what Crowdhoster suggests. If it did, then why didn’t they just say, “$48K is pretty good. Mission accomplished!”? Would the goal have been decreased then? And since we’re already on the subject, now that the goal is $50K, why did you give us a month-long extension when all you need to raise is $2K?
ARGH! I’ve obviously got a LOT to say and draw about this, but I just wanted to put this up now because I want to know what you guys think. I loved Xanga–you all know I did–and I wanted so badly for it to be saved, but I’ve been skeptical of the Team’s intentions from the very beginning, and this sudden announcement on very last f*cking day of the fundraiser–literally 20 hours and 42 minutes before the deadline–is beyond ridiculous.
Oh, and I guess we’re supposed to be receiving an e-mail asking us if we want our blogs moved over to Xanga 2.0 or something. Given the stellar communication that’s gone on so far, I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you because you’ll probably die of suffocation.
If you do get the e-mail, are you going to return to Xanga? I’m honestly not sure I could after this. I know Xanga 2.0 is apparently just WordPress Enterprise or whatever, so technically you wouldn’t be able to go back to Xanga even if you wanted to. I guess the better question is are you going to stay on WordPress-WordPress, or are you going to use Xanga-WordPress once it’s available?
As Xanga is nearing its end, more and more Xangans have taken on refugee status and switched over to WordPress. And many of them have found, as I did when I first signed on, that the WordPress platform is confusing as f*ck. It’s not user friendly in general, but you don’t know frustration until you’ve tried customizing a WordPress theme. Seriously, if you have a heart condition of some sort, avoid playing around with themes because you’re going to end up with a heart attack. And if you don’t have a heart condition–same advice applies because there is a 90% that you’re going to end up with some form of heart disease by the time you figure this sh*t out. No, I’m not a doctor, but I do take vitamins every day so, um, so there.
…Okay, so maybe my medical advice isn’t really medical anything, but the part about theme-customization on WordPress being really frustrating is totally based on personal experience.
My reason for diving headfirst into the empty pool that is WordPress Themes was actually somewhat practical: I wanted the design of this new site to look like my old Xanga blog as much as possible so that any Xangans who showed up would immediately go, “Oh, this is absolutangel64’s/Sylvia’s blog.” And I went in assuming that doing this was going to be just as easy on WordPress as it was on Xanga.
But it didn’t take long for me to realize I was wrong…very, very wrong…like, having-Screech-from-Saved-By-the-Bell-sh*t-on-your-face-and-then-slap-you-with-his-dick-that’s-also-made-of-sh*t wrong. Naturally, I Paintified this sh*tty experience for you all to enjoy.
I’m sure my parents would be so proud of how I’ve put their efforts into teaching me how to read to good use…Sorry, mom and dad…
Anyway, I know it doesn’t look like it, but I’ve actually managed to figure out a few things about WordPress themes that I think might be somewhat helpful to any of you Xanga refugees who are just getting started on this platform. These tips aren’t going to be great, and I’m sure you’ll be able to find better help elsewhere. And when you do, please share it with the rest of us because we’re all in this together!
Until something better comes along, I’ve put together for you all a very basic tutorial on how to find a free WordPress theme that works for you. At the very least, this might help you avoid having to sift through the millions of themes that are available to choose from.
STEP 1: Go to Appearance –> Themes, and click on “Feature Filter”.
Step 2: Depending on what you want, click on the different elements you want in your theme. If you’re particular about sidebars, make sure to check “Theme Options” so that you’ll get those themes that give you some control over the placement of your panels.
Step 3: Pick a theme. If you’re not sure which one is best, click on “Live Preview” to see how your blog will look with that particular theme. I chose Twenty-Eleven.
In the “Live Preview” window, you’ll see a panel on the right that has all the customization options available to you for that particular theme. The first one is “Custom Design,” which is an upgrade that you have to pay $30 a month to use. It’s not really necessary unless you’re CSS-savvy or are really hot for fonts.
Clicking on any of the other options will pull up windows that might look something like this:
Huge thanks to everyone who tuned in to Roadlesstaken’s July 10th radio show, as well as those of you who listened to the podcast! I meant to say this earlier, but I had to leave town to attend a friend’s wedding right afterwards and ended up getting sick while I was away (I wonder if that was life’s way of punishing me for not expressing my gratitude sooner…hmm…). You guys were in my heart the whole time though (as always), and the support you showed by listening to the broadcast is just further proof that the bonds which hold us Xangans together are the strongest ones you could ever make.
If you haven’t listened to the show, however–what the f*ck are you waiting for?! The royal baby?!
I’m kidding, of course! But all joking aside, if you want to hear what you missed, click on the picture and you’ll be redirected to the podcast on Roadlesstaken’s site.
Yes, the road with one lone car is supposed to be Roadlesstaken. And yes, I drew Nimbusthedragon as a smiling Dragon Ball riding a nimbus cloud (because I can’t draw dragons for sh*t).
I had a ton of fun doing the show, and have to give a huge props to Roadlesstaken for keeping the conversation fresh and lively. I mean, seriously, the guy’s got impeccable hosting skills. I could feel myself sliding into a nervous silence several times, but he kept me afloat by asking really good questions and adding his own input onto the stuff that was said. And honestly, he’s probably the best source for information and updates on what’s going on with Xanga. I literally learned more about the 2.0 clusterf*ck in the one hour I spent on the phone with him and Nimbusthedragon than I had from Xanga itself. What the f*ck is up with that, X-Team?!
Oooh, speaking of Nimbusthedragon–I had, like, an O-face every time she spoke because (1) she was unapologetically honest about her feelings regarding the Xanga situation, and (2) she said it all with a hot-ass accent. Just thinking about it makes me want to ditch everything and move to Canada so I can spend the rest of my days shadowing her all ninja-like.
All in all, it was one of the most interesting experiences I’ve ever had, and hope it was as enjoyable for you as it was for me. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, then click on the picture and find out!
Just in case you guys haven’t already marked your calendars, Nimbusthedragon and I will be guests on Roadlesstaken’s radio show today at8:00 p.m. EST (5:00 p.m. PST)! The link to the broadcast can be found here.
I’m really excited about it, but I’m also super nervous–which is, like, really, really bad because when I’m nervous, my brain loses all ability to form complete, coherent thoughts. And as many of you know by now, whenever that happens, I end up doing a lot of this:
And not for a few split seconds either. I’m talking about neuro-flatulence-induced “Uhhhhhs” that can last minutes, people. Minutes.
I’ve got roughly 6 hours to get in the no-fart zone, so I think I’ll be okay…unless I get the one question I’ve always dreaded having to answer. Seriously, nothing good has ever, ever come out of my mouth whenever I’ve been asked this:
Oh gawd, no! Not the “tell me a little about yourself” question! Nooooo!
If you’re thinking something along the lines of, “That’s an easy one! What the hell are you freaking out over?” it’s because you have a personality. I, on the other hand, have about as much charisma as a shriveled doot (sorry, doots of the world). The fact that I don’t have much of a life doesn’t help much either.
So if you’re going to be tuning in–and I hope you do because Nimbusthedragon and Roadlesstaken are interesting people worth listening to–expect something like this to happen in the likely event that I’m asked to say a little something about myself:
First, I’ll get flustered…
And then I’ll do two straight minutes of “Uhhhhhh” as I try to come up with something to talk about:
If I’m lucky I’ll manage to scrape a thought together, and will spew it out without thinking:
And then I’ll immediately go into I-can’t-believe-I-just-said-that mode, while Roadlesstaken and Nimbusthedragon are stuck with the thankless task of trying to transition your attention far, far away from the mouth diarrhea I just vomited…
The other possible result would be that I actually manage to find something to say about myself, but it’s something really, really dumb:
And then I’ll have to commit to it and deny all the rest of the STDs because if I don’t, it might imply that something is ravaging my va-jay-jay:
And that will set off a train wreck…
And when I finally realize I’ve been digging myself into a grave of sh*t, it’ll be way too late:
…And then poor Nimbusthedragon and Roadlesstaken will have the horrendous task of covering for me as I drown in a pit of my own mouth diarrhea… *sigh*
Anyway! I hope you guys will tune in! It’ll be a ton of fun!
The odds that Xanga is going to survive past July 15, 2013 don’t look so hot right now. I mean, they aren’t terrible to the point where all hope is lost, but the Crowdhoster campaign is still down $23K and there are only nine days left to go before the deadline. I’m all about miracles, but I’m not sure there’s enough Hunan chicken or Vitamin Water in the world that’s going to make that pit go away in time. Just ask the Xangans who’ve recently moved their sites—a number of whom have called this place their blogging home for years, and would never have left had it not been for these extreme circumstances.
Given the somewhat unsexy outlook, I’ve set up a backup blog on Wor….Wo—f*ck! I can’t even say it without throwing up in my mouth! Argh! Just…just go here to find my backup site:
You’ll notice that I’m in the process of reposting all of my stuff over there, but the Dashboard is a f*cking pile of sh*t that isn’t nearly as user-friendly as Xanga’s, so things have been moving slower than I’d like. Then again, I haven’t exactly been motivated about tackling the learning curve to begin with because I’m still holding onto hope that our beloved Xanga will make it to July 16th and beyond.
To say that I was devastated when I learned about Xanga’s possible end would be an understatement. It felt more like a part of my heart had imploded, and I spent the next few days in and out of an emotional sh*t zone. “Dramatic much?” F*ck no, and f*ck you for thinking so. This wonderful community has been a part of my life ever since I joined back in 2003, and it has been there for me for the past 10 years. It was only on Xanga that I felt the most freedom to just be me without remorse, and say all the sh*t I wanted to say, exactly the way I wanted to say it. I guess writing was my escape and Xanga was my safe haven…
Having the chance to make my own creative space was more than enough of a reward, but to be able to meet so many of you awesome fellow Xangans along the way is a gift I have always treasured and will forever be grateful for. There are simply no words or Paint illustrations that will ever be able to accurately express how much your years of support has meant to me, or how insanely indebted I am to you guys for not only helping me become a better writer, but also a better person. And at the risk of sounding cheesy, even though we may only exist in each other’s lives as text on a webpage, the connections I’ve made with you all are very real and very important to me. I mean, some of my longest friendships were made right here! Pretty crazy, right? But that’s always been the beautiful part about Xanga.
Writing may have been an escape and Xanga my safe haven, but it was ultimately you guys who made it into my home. And I’ve come to realize that what made the news of Xanga’s Doomsday so devastating for me wasn’t so much the loss of the forum itself (although it definitely factors into it), but the loss of a community—no, a family—that I genuinely love and cherish.
I’m all about keeping families together, so if Xanga does come to a end, I really, really hope we’ll still keep in touch! You know where to find me, right?
Oh, and I’m going to be a guest along with @Nimbusthedragon on @Roadlesstaken’s radio show on Wednesday, July 10th, at 8:00 p.m. EST! I was supposed to be on last week, but had to reschedule because I was busy getting my ass handed to me on a plate made of ass. ARGH! The memories!
Anyway, do check outRoadlesstaken’s website! He’s posted a list of upcoming guests, as well as podcasts of past shows for you to enjoy. And don’t forget to tune in on July 10th at 5:00 p.m. EST, okay? You’ll actually be able to call into the show during the live broadcast, so I hope you make use of that because I’m dying to know what you guys sound like! It’s going to be awesome!
No matter what happens, our hearts will always be as Xangans.
absolutangel64 