OH MY F*CKING GAWD, work has been kicking my f*cking ass for the past three months with a steel-toed boot encrusted with broken glass covered in Krokodil. Yes, Krokodil: The drug that makes the injection site look a melted Lord of the Rings orc covered in atomic diarrhea.

I don’t really know what happened, but one day my boss just started giving me a sh*t-ton of cases—and when I say sh*t-ton, I mean he, like, Oprah’d them at me: “You get a case! And you get a case! And you get a case!” except I was only one in the audience.

My initial reaction was, “Okay, fine. It’s not the first I’ve had to work on several cases all at once I can handle it.” But then I saw that almost all of them had some form of legal hearing or conference or whatever scheduled for October, November, or December…

Oh, and the person who was just put in charge of handling representation? Me. *flaccid-dick trumpet sound*

I know it probably sounds stupid of me to be freaking out about having to do hearings and stuff considering that lawyers and trials are usually packaged together, but here’s the thing: I specialize in legal writing and research, and was hired specifically to do that type of work. And the reason why I chose to go into that area was because (1) I love writing, and (2) I wanted to avoid having to represent clients! Hmm…Yeah…the irony isn’t lost on me. Oh hey, is that a sing-along coming my way? Awesome! Sing it with me! It’s like raaaain, on your wedding day. It’s choosing to work as a legal writer and researcher in order avoid litigating cases, only to find yourself litigating cases anyway.

Surprise, surprise, however, my aversion to doing litigation doesn’t have anything to do with a desire to avoid situations where I would be required to think on my feet…at least, not anymore. I mean, it was the initial reason why I was so afraid of doing that type of work, and my infamous terribleness at thinking on my feet when it matters most really showed when I argued my first case back in August and got my ass handed to me on a plate made of ass. It was really embarrassing and painful, and I vowed to find a way to overcome my brain fartiness so that it never happened again. The next time anyone did any ass-handing, it was going to be ME.

So after tirelessly searching for solutions, I finally found my key to becoming a maître d’ of ass-handery, and it’s to literally write a script for myself to read off of when my brain inevitably decides it wants to turn into turds and whey. And by “literally” I mean “literally,” not “I really mean ‘figuratively’ but oh well.”

ME
(COOLLY)
ISN’T IT TRUE, MR. DAVINSHIREBROOKSBY, THAT YOU WERE IN THE LIBRARY AT A QUARTER PAST MIDNIGHT WITH THE CANDLESTICK AND—

OPPOSING COUNSEL
(ASSEDLY)
OBJECTION!

ME
(HAMMY ANNOYANCE)
WHAT NERVE, KNAVE!

Great, right? Problem solved! Time to start Oprah-ing me some wins! WRONG! SO WRONG! Because in a down-the-rabbit-hole, messed up twist of fate, my problem has gone from being unable to quickly think on my feet to thinking too quickly. Yes, THINKING. TOO. QUICKLY. And why? Because these cases have exposed me to some of the most f*cked up, shady-ass, douche baggery that I’ve ever seen. I’m talking about super egregious sh*t like flat out producing Photoshopped evidence and having liars as witnesses—argh! Just thinking about it makes my blood boil!

Seriously, I don’t know if these guys do this because I’m new to the game, but you know what? One thing I’m not new at is getting really, really pissed off—and when I’m really, really pissed off, my brain immediately goes into overdrive and turns into a volcano of vitriolic acid! Oh yeah! It’s all over for you asshats now because in the three seconds it took you to crap out yet another trivial, nonsensical objection at me to throw me off, I went from zero to “CHOO CHOO! The bullet train of verbal pain is coming right for your ass!” and there ain’t no coming back! Get ready for the judicial beating of your li—

WAIT A MINUTE! I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FREAKIN’ HEARING! OH NOOOOO! NOOOO!

Of course the one time I’m finally given the ability to come up with sharp and witty awesomely awesome asshat-obliterating retorts of awesomeness is when I’m in a forum where dishing out awesomely awesome asshat-obliterating retorts of awesomeness would result sanctions and getting fired!

So instead of struggling for something to say, I’ve now found myself struggling to keep myself from saying anything! And all roads lead to one outcome: me looking like a giant retard.

DOUCHE-BAGGERY EXAMPLE 1: 

Yes, I named the witness Mr. Lantern because it made sense when I first started drawing these pictures. That was back in October…OCTOBER!!!

WHAT I WANT TO DO:

WHAT I’M STUCK DOING INSTEAD:

“With all due respect” is the professional way of saying, “Go f*ck yourself!”

DOUCHE-BAGGERY EXAMPLE 2:

WHAT I WANT TO DO:

WHAT I’M STUCK DOING INSTEAD:

F*ck you, reality, and your ass-biting ways!