Valentine’s Day may be 8 days away, but I’ve already got a harem of guys trying to get me to accept their invitations for an evening of roses and fancy dinners. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t have any Game–unless you count the chloroform-soaked handkerchief I keep on me at all times. That’s my go-to whenever my body isn’t enough persuasion.
Anyway, being faced with the dilemma of choosing one date out of a batch of many, I though I’d just take the most democratic approach and draw someone’s name out of a hat. However, I had to drop that idea because I don’t own any hats. I do have boxes, plastic bags, and Tupperware, but it’s called “drawing a name out of a hat,” not “drawing a name out of a box, plastic bag, or piece of Tupperware.” Get with it, people!
Luckily, I have a Plan B: a process of elimination based on reality television shows. It makes sense to have these guys work for the chance to spend lots of money in exchange for a hug, maybe even a peck on the cheek. Afterall, hanging out with me is like an automatic ticket to Heaven. If people are willing to drink a maggot milkshake for cash, then they’d definitely be willing to go through Hell for me.
Here are some of my ideas. I don’t watch anything other than what’s on my TiVo, and the only reality tv shows it records are “Project Runway” and “Top Chef.” That means I am in dire need of suggestions.
Three Panelist Shows (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars)
For this one, I’m going to do a Mr. Harem pageant and have the three judges score each guy. One judge will be a random person pulled from the street, who will rate the guys based on their physical compatibility. If a guy doesn’t look like he’d make a cute couple with me, he gets a bad score.
Another judge will be a good friend of mine, who will determine how long each guy will be able to hold my interest. If he talks a lot of nonsense about cars, hockey, politics, or social issues he gets a bad score. But if he talks about the Final Fantasy RPG series, he gets a great score.
I will obviously be the third judge. I’m scoring the contestants based on how well they play video games and get along with my cats. Bonus points if they can fold origami.
As for the contests, I don’t have a firm list but I know I definitely want to have a Business Attire round and a Naked round.
Survivor
Eight days worth of brutal challenges, with the winner getting to hang out with me for two hours. I’ve never seen an entire episode of “Survivor” before, so I don’t know what happens other than living in squalor and forming alliances. Who cares though? It’s all about making the guys go through obstacles anyway. Here are the challenges:
1. Take the Bar Exam in One Day: people who’ve taken the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school; law students who have yet to take the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school. Having the guys take a 3-day exam in 24 hours will definitely separate the weak from the weakest.
2. Contraction Matching: since I hate it when people get “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” mixed up, I think it’s appropriate to have a challenge for the guys to showcase their grammatical skills. They’ll get a worksheet with a bunch of sentences, and each sentence will have a blank space where they will have to fill in the correct contraction. One incorrect answer equals death elimination.
3. Find an Indian restaurant that has patrons: This one is probably an unfair challenge. When have you seen an Indian restaurant that wasn’t dimly lit and empty?
4. Beat me in Bust-a-Move: It’s impossible to do–ask the rejects who were close to getting in my pants but instead ended up getting their nuts cut off by my super skills.
The Bachelor
Okay, so “The Bachelor” is an obvious choice–but the only reason why I would go this route is so I can have a “rose ceremony.” Except, instead of roses, I’ll give the guys kittens. I’ve never watched “The Bachelor” so I don’t know what else happens during the show.
As I said, I am in dire need of suggestions. Come on, my three readers! Share some of your brilliance with me.
absolutangel64 
just read your previous post and was hilarious. haha.
Have them complete some sort of Love Obstacle Course, tailored to your needs [so they have to do… something with Final Fantasy, something with your cats, etc]. I’d watch it. xD
i definitely like number two. bad grammar is such a turn-off. :P
I”D ACE THEM ALLLLLL1 HAHAHAHA
good post!
inform your….4 readers how it works out!
I can’t wait for network TV to start doing NAKED ROUND. Maybe then I’ll watch.
I’d disagree about doing the Indian restaurant thing. I love Indian food, and there are always other patrons when I go there to eat.
You could also do a different take on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” by asking them questions from the Brain Quest game. Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins the date. :o)
hahaha so enjoyed reading this.
i have no suggestions as i have never found myself in this situation.
i am pretty sure my dad will be my valentine this year.
Congrats on getting Featured. Very funny post.You could try something from America’s Next Top Model and have the guys strut their stuff in whatever ridiculous outfits you have lying around. It will fall under the physical appearance category. Can’t have your date looking like a slob.
RYC: Haha, well there’s no real explanation. It was just something I felt like doing. 🙂
“When have you seen an Indian restaurant that wasn’t dimly lit and empty?“
i been to one in SD that was pretty nicely filled and well lit (maybe cuz it was during a sunny afternoon)
haha, oh ya, will you be my valentines? just kidding
**sky is always blue….
this is one of the best blogs I have read in a very long time. Very funny. I am going to print it out and show my friends at work.
haha..hilarious !!! very interesting entry, props
Wow. Yeah. I’ll take you out any day. You’re awesome.
Brilliant and hilarious post!
P.S. Here’s something to go along with your mock “rose ceremony.” (Sorry, I didn’t see any kittens!)
Any girl that’s into Final Fantasy gains a lot of bonus points in my book. And my book is tight.
lies, noone invited you except your dad and pet squirrel!
I think this would be the most perfect way to eliminate weaklings.
how about making someone live out final fantasy 9 in only four days?
Don’t play games; it’ll only hurt the other parties’ feelings. I oughta know as I did the same thing with a group of girls.
final fantasy?? lol id thought it would be the other way around.
u shoudl get somebody to record this. it’ll make a great reality show lol
Ha!I love you. And here I thought I was the only sadistically conceited girl on xanga.
“Valentine’s Day may be 8 days away, but I’ve already
got a harem of guys trying to get me to accept their invitations for an
evening of roses and fancy dinners.”Ha ha, this is only problem that a girl would have. =) Just throw them in a pit and have the strongest living one take you somewhere nice. Then you can make him pay and never call him again! XD
Pity that many popular girls auction themselves out to flattering, often deperate and manipulative, bidders. Even more pitiful than the bidders.
This is not a small problem, but it can be solved:My suggestions are as followed:Carefully rate each candidate on the following criteria:1 is the lowest and 5 is the highest score.A. How compatible is he with you?B. His political affiliation in comparison to yours.C. His height and body fat contentD. His success level and career aspirationE. His maturity levelThe one with the highest score should be the winner.
Wow if only I had your problem. ^_^”Contraction matching” — I definitely put all potentials through this screening.
lol so jks~ keep writing!
Just do all of them, like 50 first dates.in one night.what a challenge.
Have no suggestions. Good luck!
holy crap. hahahaha. Contraction Matching. for that, i’d take you out to dinner and buy you roses everyday for a whole fucking year. haha. too good.
Funny!
I think this shows just how much people need the writers’ strike to end…
i think you have way more than three readers… line ’em up!
I decided this post was completely awesome when you started talking about Final Fantasy.I don’t know about the judge going on “physical compatibility,” though. They always tend to think Asian goes with Asian, white goes with white, and black goes with black. My boyfriend would fail their test. It’s no fair. And according to your picture, you’re Asian, but if you have a ton of guys asking you out, I would assume at least one of them is possible white. He’d fail the test, and I’d be sad, because interracial couples are really cute together!I especially like Contraction Matching and you cutting their balls off in video games, though. Girls owning guys in games is one of the best things in the world. I love this post for the mentioning of video games, females owning at video games, and contraction grammar.Seriously, this was an awesome post.
since you enjoy video games, quiz them on knowledge of the final fantasy series (anything from characters, gameplay system, music, game locations, etc), and whomever has the highest score is deemed good enough to enjoy your company for those two hours. Sorry, thats not very fun or exciting, I just randomly thought of it as I typed. But reading this was a hilarious!
Me, I’d just go out with the one I liked the best. Or the one I thought would spend the most money on me, if I was in a catty and superficial mood.
LOL woman, this is hilarious.
Brillant! You could totally host your own reality show :] For sheezy.
Hopefully your “bachelor” is the right one.
another challenge you could do: have the potential guy sit through a typical “girl movie”, like, um, Princess Diaries or something. Without saying anything. And then he has to watch it again, and describe how it makes him feel. talk about brutal….
anyway, hilarious post. congrats on being featured!
You have a great site here — the things you write about are very interesting and humorous. I also liked the “Three Amigos” quote in your profile.
how many guys are there in this harem? and they’ll all go through whatever you want them to do?
I was with you up to that part about folding your cats like origami. Those little bastards have claws, you know! (Take it from someone who has learned the hard way.)
I used to live next door to an Indian restaurant. There was never anyone there, and it was supposed to be one of the best in the area. So I can back you up on that one.
Good luck narrowing down the harem.
bloody hilarious post. you could eliminate by: 1) rock scissors paper tournament, 2) jump rope contest, 3) red rover (you know, to check for adequate arm strength).
But if rock, scissors, paper doesn’t do the trick, then…..
Stand strong to the Bust-a-Move rule! I used the Puzzle Bobble variant to find my lady love. ^_^
damn, opposite from me. I have NO dates….:( just go wtih your gut feeling…or go with the one you think you will have fun~ haha..that’s OBVIOUS~
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Doesn’t seem like you really like any of them given the hurdles you’re devising for them.
i’d ask them each to MAKE me a valentine card. the one that appeals the
most gets the highest marks. also have them read at least 3 books and
write a short essay about them, you don’t want someone who is isn’t
literate, witty, and eloquent.
“If he talks a lot of nonsense about cars, hockey,
politics, or social issues he gets a bad score. But if he talks about
the Final Fantasy RPG series, he gets a great score.”Wow, if I hadn’t already found the girl of my dreams, I’d be experiencing a dire need to compete! It’s rare you find that kind of criteria. Hope you have an awesome Valentine’s Day with whoever comes out on top, possibly filled to the brim with Emerald and Ruby WEAPON strategy discussion, unless that’s too much…
HAHAHA, I would so watch that! That would be one of the Best Reality Shows of Our Time, no joke. 🙂
random comment, but YEAH ROCK ON DUDE 😀
And I love your outlook on How To Choose a Guy