Valentine’s Day may be 8 days away, but I’ve already got a harem of guys trying to get me to accept their invitations for an evening of roses and fancy dinners. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t have any Game–unless you count the chloroform-soaked handkerchief I keep on me at all times. That’s my go-to whenever my body isn’t enough persuasion.
Anyway, being faced with the dilemma of choosing one date out of a batch of many, I though I’d just take the most democratic approach and draw someone’s name out of a hat. However, I had to drop that idea because I don’t own any hats. I do have boxes, plastic bags, and Tupperware, but it’s called “drawing a name out of a hat,” not “drawing a name out of a box, plastic bag, or piece of Tupperware.” Get with it, people!
Luckily, I have a Plan B: a process of elimination based on reality television shows. It makes sense to have these guys work for the chance to spend lots of money in exchange for a hug, maybe even a peck on the cheek. Afterall, hanging out with me is like an automatic ticket to Heaven. If people are willing to drink a maggot milkshake for cash, then they’d definitely be willing to go through Hell for me.
Here are some of my ideas. I don’t watch anything other than what’s on my TiVo, and the only reality tv shows it records are “Project Runway” and “Top Chef.” That means I am in dire need of suggestions.
Three Panelist Shows (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars)
For this one, I’m going to do a Mr. Harem pageant and have the three judges score each guy. One judge will be a random person pulled from the street, who will rate the guys based on their physical compatibility. If a guy doesn’t look like he’d make a cute couple with me, he gets a bad score.
Another judge will be a good friend of mine, who will determine how long each guy will be able to hold my interest. If he talks a lot of nonsense about cars, hockey, politics, or social issues he gets a bad score. But if he talks about the Final Fantasy RPG series, he gets a great score.
I will obviously be the third judge. I’m scoring the contestants based on how well they play video games and get along with my cats. Bonus points if they can fold origami.
As for the contests, I don’t have a firm list but I know I definitely want to have a Business Attire round and a Naked round.
Survivor
Eight days worth of brutal challenges, with the winner getting to hang out with me for two hours. I’ve never seen an entire episode of “Survivor” before, so I don’t know what happens other than living in squalor and forming alliances. Who cares though? It’s all about making the guys go through obstacles anyway. Here are the challenges:
1. Take the Bar Exam in One Day: people who’ve taken the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school; law students who have yet to take the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school. Having the guys take a 3-day exam in 24 hours will definitely separate the weak from the weakest.
2. Contraction Matching: since I hate it when people get “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” mixed up, I think it’s appropriate to have a challenge for the guys to showcase their grammatical skills. They’ll get a worksheet with a bunch of sentences, and each sentence will have a blank space where they will have to fill in the correct contraction. One incorrect answer equals death elimination.
3. Find an Indian restaurant that has patrons: This one is probably an unfair challenge. When have you seen an Indian restaurant that wasn’t dimly lit and empty?
4. Beat me in Bust-a-Move: It’s impossible to do–ask the rejects who were close to getting in my pants but instead ended up getting their nuts cut off by my super skills.
The Bachelor
Okay, so “The Bachelor” is an obvious choice–but the only reason why I would go this route is so I can have a “rose ceremony.” Except, instead of roses, I’ll give the guys kittens. I’ve never watched “The Bachelor” so I don’t know what else happens during the show.
As I said, I am in dire need of suggestions. Come on, my three readers! Share some of your brilliance with me.
absolutangel64 
will this be uploaded on youtube? because i would enjoy watching this. [:
lol!!
Heck, go out with all of them kind of like the I Love New York show and then choose who you want to go to the final date with thus the Valentine’s Date. In the end you get more than one date and it’s a win win situation for everyone no? Unless, you don’t have the time to go out with them all. Hmm…other option. Have them suggest a Valentine’s Gift and whoever is most creative wins and thus wins the Valentine’s Date with you.
lol
LOLyoure a funny person i like your way of thinking!
dood, you’re hilarious. Survivor should be fun.
4. Beat me in Bust-a-Move.
LOL you gotto see my little sister playing DDR, she dance like snakes~
How about taking Jeopardy! and doing a romance-related version?
If you remember The Dating Game, you could always use that as a fallback.
You should have them duel, but instead of weapons they should riverdance.
silly silly silly goose. you don’t do anything randomly. everything must be handled in a systematic way. for instance, ask yourself this. which person will be more willing to spend the most money on you. you may not like the idea of this, but every person has wants and desires that have to be quenched.
second, which person will you have fun with. that is something that is very important to take into consideration. not only must the dinner be satisfactory, but the time you spend having it must be unforgettable.
fifthly, just pick one. this kind of stuff only happens once a year. it’s not like you’ll spend the rest of your life with this one person. well maybe you will. who knows.
you even said it yourself, this will ‘last 2 hours.’ perhaps a bit more if you decide to do anything else worth mentioning afterwards. but other than that, it’s only valentine’s day. a day that was contrived by hallmark to increase their profits due to the lack of holidays in a year.
and you lucky bum. featured post for the second time since the start of myxanga
experience. you must feel honored. anyways, good luck
haha.. nice page.
hilarious post btw..
HA!!! This is BRILLIANT!!!
You definitely need to update later and let us know how it all turned out.
Choose none. They’re all dicks with faces, anyway.
I’d definitely find a way to combine Contraction Matching with the Three Panelist idea. Final Fantasy is very important…as is grammar. =] Perhaps engaging your contestants in conversation as part of the judging would somehow reveal their knowledge of the differences among the “there” homophones? Good luck to you.
indian restaurants without patrons? sadly, i’ll admit that its true. im indian, and my parent’s have friends who own indian restaurants, and they rarely stay open for a long time. my stepdad is opening one soon, and this ones gonna be good…with a lot of patrons. 🙂 wish us luck.
my valentines day night will include me and a couple close friends in front of a 7-11 sharing the most expensive box of Russel Stovers they have and drinking Arizona’s finest array of iced tea’s and ades.
Your welcome to join if you like. We’ll be sure to turn up some souls of mischief for yah.
Ha! You write very well. I will come read your site again if I may.
I must object to the grammar challenge, as it would eliminate many otherwise fine young men.
But what is this two hour thing? Love requires time. Love eats time like popcorn, don’t chew know?
True sexual satisfaction comes only with many offspring, as they lie atop you in bed, descending into sleep. It doesn’t get better than that. Changing diapers, walking about the house with a child who wakes up in the night, unable to sleep … if a person limits his “love” to some sterile two-hour dinner, then he doesn’t have much, and if coitus and the expression of desire leading up to that, is his primary focus, then he is sort of left holding the bag, as it were, is he not?
Nope, love, and your time together, is indivisible. You can’t put a time limit on it. That’s my two cents worth. I hope it is of some use.
But yes, Valentine’s Day is coming, and I must fine something for most adorable Wifey, a real challenge, as she cares nothing for “special days,” and cares very much that I spend zero money on her, always prefering to save for the future of our brood.
I hope you have a fine Valentine’s Day.
Padooker
Survivor sounds like a good plan to weed them out… although the Three Panelist Naked Round does have its appeal…
errr…good luck in picking a good one and have fun!
Excellent post!Pick me as your date he he he
Question: Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama?
Celebrities Pick Their Choice – Who would you rather elect?
Ninja Warrior meets A Shot at Love meets Iron Chef.
That would be perfectly disgusting. Take pics, post to your videoblog, whatever.
=Pfun
nice post
You made my day with this!!
Yeah, I love number two. My friends tell me I’m a bit of a grammar snob, but a boy who says “your awesome” to me just makes me cringe, not smile. *shudder*
or just forget them all and invite a bunch of your girlfriends over for a movie night instead.what’s with the whole race to find a date for one night in the year? I mean seriously…it’s great to go out and do something special with someone who’s already special to you. but why hang out with someone who isn’t special trying make them someone special overnight? it’s so retarded. sheesh…just enjoy the night!
survivor it
I really really wish I knew what having one person ask me out feels like.Your life is like a fairy tale to me.
This is totally hilarious! Go girl!
throw them all in a pit of death. last man standing wins. but since you might get in trouble for that i say date them all… make each one take you out for dinner before v-day comes around… then on the night before v-day, go through your mind which one was the best date and go with him on v-day… i figure it’s a win-win situation since they all get to go out on a date with you and you get like 129387192738 free dinners…yes, i rule 😛
I’m glad I’m not the only one who dislikes when people uses “their” for “they are”
Host a fight to the death, the way Nature intended.
I’d make them match countries with their capitals somewhere in there or maybe a Spelling Bee.
Since when did everything become a job interview? How about just getting to know each guy, and trusting your own judgment, rather than turning your love life into a reality show. I love the fact that reality shows call themselves reality, when they’re anything but that.
Here’s a brilliant idea… have you ever seen Ninja Warrior on G4?! We so have to have them go through that with dubbed English announcers!!!
Your blog is funny!
hahah, interesting dilemma you got there. have you ever seen the korean game show xman? if not you should take a look, it’ll give you some good ideas. here’s a link to make it easier http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKBqD-EV4LE. lol oh man…… looks like fun.
Is it supposed to be funny or are you always this modest?
No wonder all these guys want to go out with you on valentines day! My guy friend just walked by as I was reading your entry and he was like “Who is that? I need a date for valentines day!” But then he read your grammar post and was like “people who are grammar snobs are really just insecure about their level of intelligence.” I don’t get it… he’s has a small penis anyways.
I absolutely love Final Fantasy RPGs… but I think I’ll lose major points because I’m a girl. 😉
Thankfully I don’t have the Valentine’s Day problem this year. My boyfriend suffices quite nicely.
haha. this is great.
I will be alone, and happy to spend the day eating ice cream and watching chick flicks.
What about the Business Attire round and Naked round? You didn’t elaborate on those. And, try Rock, Paper, Scissors? Oh wait, only try that if the guys are equally hot. You can practically do a Manhunt: The Search for the Perfect Valentine Date. LOL.
i did this before. i had them first get me the best present they could find (shows how much they know me). Then i had them take an egg home and whoever returned it perfectly won the 2nd round (this shows if they can be a father). Then I had them fight. This shows who can protect me. Your 1st idea is difficult b/c that just means you want a lawyer. but the other sound ok. just doesn’t really prove much except they’d be fun for awhile.
A girl who likes video games, and is put off by bad grammar? I need to find myself a girl like this.
You have more than three readers now :). I think you’d be perfect for NDM…hehehe. He’ll kill me if he knew I typed this…lol. I think you should take a picture of these guys and post them up on Xanga for us to judge them and have us think of really good questions for you to ask these guys. Have each guy do 5-10 things to prove themselves worthy of two hours to spend with you (Trying to beat you in Bust-a-Move can be one task). Each task gets more difficult and has points allotted to each task. The harder the task the more points the guy gets if he does the task well. Have fun.
Well, you could just have them fight it out. Do more of an American Gladiator free for all game. Or, you could make them all spend money racing around the world as in the Amazing Race(except they use their own money).
Course, you could just go with the guy who treasts you with the most respect.
Haha, I really like the contraction matching idea! :DI cringe inside when people misspell your and you’re too. 😛
The option to stick it to the system and not force yourself to go out on a date is present as well, although I imagine you might find that a bit boring. =]
What are you? An alien woman from outside planet of superior intellect. My response to your statement would be: They’re losing their heads over there.Disclaimer: Anything that seems sarcastic should be taken otherwise.