Valentine’s Day may be 8 days away, but I’ve already got a harem of guys trying to get me to accept their invitations for an evening of roses and fancy dinners. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t have any Game–unless you count the chloroform-soaked handkerchief I keep on me at all times. That’s my go-to whenever my body isn’t enough persuasion.
Anyway, being faced with the dilemma of choosing one date out of a batch of many, I though I’d just take the most democratic approach and draw someone’s name out of a hat. However, I had to drop that idea because I don’t own any hats. I do have boxes, plastic bags, and Tupperware, but it’s called “drawing a name out of a hat,” not “drawing a name out of a box, plastic bag, or piece of Tupperware.” Get with it, people!
Luckily, I have a Plan B: a process of elimination based on reality television shows. It makes sense to have these guys work for the chance to spend lots of money in exchange for a hug, maybe even a peck on the cheek. Afterall, hanging out with me is like an automatic ticket to Heaven. If people are willing to drink a maggot milkshake for cash, then they’d definitely be willing to go through Hell for me.
Here are some of my ideas. I don’t watch anything other than what’s on my TiVo, and the only reality tv shows it records are “Project Runway” and “Top Chef.” That means I am in dire need of suggestions.
Three Panelist Shows (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars)
For this one, I’m going to do a Mr. Harem pageant and have the three judges score each guy. One judge will be a random person pulled from the street, who will rate the guys based on their physical compatibility. If a guy doesn’t look like he’d make a cute couple with me, he gets a bad score.
Another judge will be a good friend of mine, who will determine how long each guy will be able to hold my interest. If he talks a lot of nonsense about cars, hockey, politics, or social issues he gets a bad score. But if he talks about the Final Fantasy RPG series, he gets a great score.
I will obviously be the third judge. I’m scoring the contestants based on how well they play video games and get along with my cats. Bonus points if they can fold origami.
As for the contests, I don’t have a firm list but I know I definitely want to have a Business Attire round and a Naked round.
Survivor
Eight days worth of brutal challenges, with the winner getting to hang out with me for two hours. I’ve never seen an entire episode of “Survivor” before, so I don’t know what happens other than living in squalor and forming alliances. Who cares though? It’s all about making the guys go through obstacles anyway. Here are the challenges:
1. Take the Bar Exam in One Day: people who’ve taken the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school; law students who have yet to take the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school. Having the guys take a 3-day exam in 24 hours will definitely separate the weak from the weakest.
2. Contraction Matching: since I hate it when people get “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” mixed up, I think it’s appropriate to have a challenge for the guys to showcase their grammatical skills. They’ll get a worksheet with a bunch of sentences, and each sentence will have a blank space where they will have to fill in the correct contraction. One incorrect answer equals death elimination.
3. Find an Indian restaurant that has patrons: This one is probably an unfair challenge. When have you seen an Indian restaurant that wasn’t dimly lit and empty?
4. Beat me in Bust-a-Move: It’s impossible to do–ask the rejects who were close to getting in my pants but instead ended up getting their nuts cut off by my super skills.
The Bachelor
Okay, so “The Bachelor” is an obvious choice–but the only reason why I would go this route is so I can have a “rose ceremony.” Except, instead of roses, I’ll give the guys kittens. I’ve never watched “The Bachelor” so I don’t know what else happens during the show.
As I said, I am in dire need of suggestions. Come on, my three readers! Share some of your brilliance with me.
absolutangel64 
I believe I can pass #2, 3, and 4, forget about #1. Since we’re off limits to each other, I would make the perfect judge!
or you can just pick the guy who you feel you’d rather have a fun time with. You can always ask the others for a date the day after valentine if it doesn’t go too well, hah!
damn sylvia…u may not know it, but ur posts are the only thing worth reading on xanga LOL keep up the great lit. HAHA
wow i really feel like helping you pick 1 of the 1000000000 guys that love you…………….*grabs my gun point it to my face”
Haha – I assure you the comment was only meant as a compliment. It’s always a pleasure to see someone with good humor and boundless wit. And to add knowledge of video games into the bundle? A lovely combination. Don’t take what I say too seriously – it’s only meant to let you know I thoroughly enjoyed your post.Besides, I’d never pick up a girl over the net. It’s way too tacky.
“Afterall, hanging out with me is like an automatic ticket to Heaven.”
Wow… You are so confident… or over-exaggerated… – -“””
Lol this new hybrid love system between traditional and contract is quite amusing. I wonder how long the gain of private monopoly ownership will last in the end. Overall, its a new trait I think this scheme has made the assessment of suitable applicants far more accurate hands down babe (“,) haha.
This post is funtastic
cheers
happy harvesting
American Idol and Dancing with the Stars will rot your brain.
They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercies……
I don’t know… The prize is pretty weak. When you win, you get to take a girl on a date with your money… It’d be better if all participants put their cash into a pool and duke it out to the death. Hey, red is a romantic color…
thanks for taking the time to read and reply. i agree that auctions work well for many things, especially when the objects can be quantified by a small number of parameters. interesting writing you have here. i would like to ask you to check out http://www.jgospel.net. happy new year and happy valentine’s day.
oh no problem at all, thanks for posting !!!
I think of all the reality shows you already have two of the top three on TiVo. I suggest adding Amazing Race when it comes back around. It’s always good to have each of your guys bring a partner and then put them through some kind of race. Personalities always come out during a partner race. It’s a good dimension of a person to see before wasting time dating them.
if u are considering this route, it is obvious that none of them touched your heart. i guess just take advantage of it for a night is not so bad…. but what if it turns out to be a date from hell? is the chosen one worth the trouble to find out?
either way, do post the aftermath so we can all enjoy what actually happened! happy v-day…
Interesting post. The start of your post made me think that you were a bit full of yourself, but the FF reference and other references made me realize that you were different.
RYC: Er…What is ‘god’s hand’ and ‘dynamite’? Are they some secret rules for Rock, Paper, Scissors that I never knew about?
Quite the interesting blog here. Wow- all these men vying for a portion of your time. Hmmm, I find “their” intensity of devotion for you quite fascinating. You make it clear that “they’re” willing to jump through the hoops of any challenge you decide upon. I’m sure “there” must be a key factor to this power you have established over all these men. Could it be your looks, personality, or perhaps an addiction to the scent of chloroform?
KITTENS!!!! I Wouldnt Give Them Kittens… TOOO Delicate, Plus, Wat If They Drop The Kitten =(POOR KITTIES!!! T-T
I wanted to give you credit for your post Choose Identity. Send a comment and say hi if you’re around in the near future.
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check out my awsome pages if you get the chance.
You should drop by my profile sometime and say hi.
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=) Chang
To God (of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob) be all the glory! John 3:30
1. And he said to them all, If any man will come after me (Jesus Christ), let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Luke 9:23 (KJV)
2. I tell you, Nay: but, except ye REPENT [turn away from your sins], ye shall all likewise perish.Luke 13:3 (KJV)
3. And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb’s book of life. Revelation 21:27 (KJV)
And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel.
Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 2:38 (KJV)
If you die in your sin, you will go to HELL! Today is the day of salvation! Accept Jesus Christ for He is your only hope!(For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.) 2 Corinthians 6:2 (KJV)
Christ was beaten & crucified, shed blood blood, died and ROSE again to save u from your defining and abominable sins (lust, pride, pre-marital sex, one lie, masturbation, sodomy including homosexuality, murder, hatred, rebellion, disobedience against parents, touching, kissing)!
Hmm, Final Fantasy, proper grammar, and dance skill? No wonder you have so many invites.
you’re so lucky. follow your heart. corny as it may sound. imho, go w/ the guy that never would have had a chance, and make his day.
LOL =]
You should bust out with the Ninja Warrior challenge. It’s a crazy game show in Japan. Here’s a clip:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VG5_diRx4UI'd throw my hat into your valentine ring, but getting a kitten and schooling you in Bust-A-Move doesn’t sound like much of a date. Let me know how your valentine competition goes! 🙂
hahahahave a nice valentine’s
congrats on being featured! i enjoyed reading this and i am not at all worried about valentines day, as my valentine thinks its a rip off and doesnt celebrate it!
@Naoko_Ai – Ha I certainly wouldn’t mind if a girl kicked my ass in a videogame, be it Tekken, Soul Calibur, Guitar Hero, or Burnout. To me, there’s nothing more attractive than a girl who has as just passion in what is traditionally viewed as a guy’s sport.
RYC: I’m guessing the Muffing Man hasn’t gotten the camera out and brought in Mistress Helga? That may be your bag, baby, but that’s a big no thanks from me .
Me compete for a girl? HA!
Bad grammar is such a turn off. You should also make them distinguish between to, too and two. You’d be surprised at how many people actually get those wrong (at least to and too). Or its and it’s. That challenge would narrow it down quite a bit. Then you could have them write (grammatically correct) love poems and whichever one was the best would be your date.
You are looking at this all wrong! You just need to schedule one breakfast date, a brunch date, a lunch date, a coffee date, a dinner date, and then a drinks & dancing date. Tell the other 2 guys you don’t like to go out on the actual Valentine’s day because everything is too crowded. So have one take you to dinner on the 13th and one on the 15th.
Enjoy it!
i like the part where instead of giving roses to them, you give them kittens. Brilliant!
during the time it took you to make an analysis of your situation and share it with the public, you could have gone out and bought a hat from which to pick someone among your “batch of many”. absolutely absurd. can’t believe this was featured.
good for you.. but I am still single i don’t believe in Valentine’s Day it’s a sham
Yay for the grammatical test!
lets all give some love!
This made me giggle. Thank you. Good luck w/ V-day!
Lovely! Although I wonder if you’re serious…?
That was good, with the three readers thing- no way would you expect Featured, but hey, it happened! Oh the irony… 😀
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
Rofl Dance bitches dance. You could also look into which have endurance to. Just find a huge globe, fill it with water… Hold a Tournament FFX style… The ones that don’t drown move to round 3.
Interview, for sure! Like a job.
Or get the parents involved. Haha. See who breaks a sweat or even runs out the door!
~~Mary~~
Feed drowned ones to the Mutated Sea bass with freakin lasers attached to their heads! That would be Shagtastic!
You should feel lucky to have a date. Many wish they had one but don’t. You should also not feel obligated to go on one just because it’s VDay. It’s a celebration of love, not a prom.
I’m not sure I’d want to date a girl with expectations like that. Even if I can talk about Final Fantasy.
Thank you for the comment! Alessandra is my favorite model. I once received the glorious compliment of being told I looked like her! Did you know she is expecting a baby?
~~Mary~~
haha, you are awesome for just coming up with all of this
Spelling Bee is the modern way to do things.
sigh….
You know, Valentines day is COOL!
PSHA. I can do all those.’Cept #3 DANG! … you’re RIGHT.Great post….be my valentime?
1.
Nobody like lawyers2.
Nobody like a grammar Nazis3.
Nobody like to smell like deodorants masking
curry4.
Nobody likes to be beaten by me in Bust-A-MoveCheers!C