Valentine’s Day may be 8 days away, but I’ve already got a harem of guys trying to get me to accept their invitations for an evening of roses and fancy dinners. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t have any Game–unless you count the chloroform-soaked handkerchief I keep on me at all times. That’s my go-to whenever my body isn’t enough persuasion.
Anyway, being faced with the dilemma of choosing one date out of a batch of many, I though I’d just take the most democratic approach and draw someone’s name out of a hat. However, I had to drop that idea because I don’t own any hats. I do have boxes, plastic bags, and Tupperware, but it’s called “drawing a name out of a hat,” not “drawing a name out of a box, plastic bag, or piece of Tupperware.” Get with it, people!
Luckily, I have a Plan B: a process of elimination based on reality television shows. It makes sense to have these guys work for the chance to spend lots of money in exchange for a hug, maybe even a peck on the cheek. Afterall, hanging out with me is like an automatic ticket to Heaven. If people are willing to drink a maggot milkshake for cash, then they’d definitely be willing to go through Hell for me.
Here are some of my ideas. I don’t watch anything other than what’s on my TiVo, and the only reality tv shows it records are “Project Runway” and “Top Chef.” That means I am in dire need of suggestions.
Three Panelist Shows (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars)
For this one, I’m going to do a Mr. Harem pageant and have the three judges score each guy. One judge will be a random person pulled from the street, who will rate the guys based on their physical compatibility. If a guy doesn’t look like he’d make a cute couple with me, he gets a bad score.
Another judge will be a good friend of mine, who will determine how long each guy will be able to hold my interest. If he talks a lot of nonsense about cars, hockey, politics, or social issues he gets a bad score. But if he talks about the Final Fantasy RPG series, he gets a great score.
I will obviously be the third judge. I’m scoring the contestants based on how well they play video games and get along with my cats. Bonus points if they can fold origami.
As for the contests, I don’t have a firm list but I know I definitely want to have a Business Attire round and a Naked round.
Survivor
Eight days worth of brutal challenges, with the winner getting to hang out with me for two hours. I’ve never seen an entire episode of “Survivor” before, so I don’t know what happens other than living in squalor and forming alliances. Who cares though? It’s all about making the guys go through obstacles anyway. Here are the challenges:
1. Take the Bar Exam in One Day: people who’ve taken the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school; law students who have yet to take the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school. Having the guys take a 3-day exam in 24 hours will definitely separate the weak from the weakest.
2. Contraction Matching: since I hate it when people get “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” mixed up, I think it’s appropriate to have a challenge for the guys to showcase their grammatical skills. They’ll get a worksheet with a bunch of sentences, and each sentence will have a blank space where they will have to fill in the correct contraction. One incorrect answer equals death elimination.
3. Find an Indian restaurant that has patrons: This one is probably an unfair challenge. When have you seen an Indian restaurant that wasn’t dimly lit and empty?
4. Beat me in Bust-a-Move: It’s impossible to do–ask the rejects who were close to getting in my pants but instead ended up getting their nuts cut off by my super skills.
The Bachelor
Okay, so “The Bachelor” is an obvious choice–but the only reason why I would go this route is so I can have a “rose ceremony.” Except, instead of roses, I’ll give the guys kittens. I’ve never watched “The Bachelor” so I don’t know what else happens during the show.
As I said, I am in dire need of suggestions. Come on, my three readers! Share some of your brilliance with me.
absolutangel64 
no problem, glad to share, especially things that brings me a smile and makes me laugh. 😀 hope you have a good time making your pick.
haha your ideas for the survivor challenges are awesome.
look no further, i will fold you some origami. i can only fold swans though, maybe even turtles if there’s a book on it.
I really try to refrain from making comments like this … and I apologize ahead of time, but … I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more coneited post in my life.
Way to be a pretentious ass of a person and take every bit of fun out of a shallow holiday.
Come back down to earth there cowboy.
Try going with the obvious plan that’s seemed to work for centuries. Go on a date with the person that you sincerely enjoy being around*. Good god, woman. Who do you think you are? O.o
*This should be an extremely simple decision. Although, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume that this “harem” you claim to have after you, is a result of your typical naivety as a woman. Get your head out of your ass, stop teasing everyone in sight, and at least pretend to have a humble attitude once in a while. It’ll do ya wonders.
Cheers.
Hi its me löökîng för the bêäuties öf the göd..If u thínk u r beautiful then jöin mê..
ooops i got no date. ANYONE?
That is the best idea I’ve EVER heard. I especially enjoy the grammar part.
hehe…poor guys…
this is your final fantasy indeed
Phew! I don’t think you know how lucky you are!
ilena holder….Rose Garden by Awe-struck ebooks 2/11/08
Wow, yay. It’s so awesome everyone is chasing you. Now get over yourself and write something actually worth writing about. Please I didn’t even spend my time reading this garbage.
Well, I love watching Top Chef, so I think one of your rounds will have to do with cooking.
Round One – can they even cook, if they can’t then you’ve gotta cut them loose unless they have lots of money and will take you to good restaurants for the rest of your life
Round Two – have they do a qwick fire Dessert round, any guy who can whip up a delectable dessert is worth keeping
Round Three – Have them to all of your dishes, wash, rinse, and put away…Even if they can’t cook at least they can help with the dishes.
hahaha… ur posts r funny as hell…
I found your post to be hilarious. Don’t pay attention to the few people who can’t understand the humor in your post and take everything seriously. They must feel insecure themselves.
hahaa!! .. i wish i had that many options for valentines day .. id rather have that than nothing at alll
So apparently three readers became 150+
I would just sit the men down in front of a Playstation and the first one to win Final Fantasy 7 gets to date you on Valentine’s Day.
Hm. I know it’s controversial, and rarely tested in controlled environments, but have you ever tried choosing your dates based on who you actually like and are attracted to? If the answer is, I’m not attracted to them, well…why bother?
*raises hands* i want to be a judge 🙂 Absolutely hilarious post! ❤ it!
haha 🙂 I will be a cross of Paula and Simon~ I seem nice but everything coming out of my mouth will be a criticism but not in an English accent.. more like a Yan-can-cook accent. Oh mah gawd.. you no go to next lvl! 😀 hahaha
hey, i love you. call me.
funny.
For one, having “a Plan B” is “bad grammar”, as “their” [Hee hee] can only be one Plan B in your situation… secondly, Indian food isn’t too bad… eat my mum’s food… I still can’t get enough of it… altho, the crap that you get in Indo-American restaraunts is a joke!!! so i can’t blame you either… I’d say that in your defense… but of course… this hardly seems to be the least of your problems…Angel… it’s not a problem at all… no need to have your own reality show… unless you really must be bored… it takes up entirely too much time! your time!Here is a short ten minute interview that you can take with each of the contestants:First Question: What’s the capital of India? Do you like Indian Food? [this is the make-or-break question]Second Question: What do you understand by the phrase ‘pulling your prick’ in a figurative sense? [you know why we need this question]NOTE: if they don’t know the answer to this question, tell them that’s exactly what you’re doing right now, and having a nice time too! Third Question: What do you understand by the term ‘cross your “i”s and dot your “t”s? [If they answer this question pretentiously, you know what it means, they can’t listen, love to talk but hell they atleast they can open their mouths, which have their uses in other areas of skill]Fourth Question: What do you think our baby would look like? Can I have half of your stuff when we’re thru?NOTE: Excellent question if you want to get rid of him!Fifth Question: How did the word ‘Duh!’ come into existence?[and well, if they don’t have an answer for that, you know what to do (optional: tell ’em that they’re the very reason it came into existence] LAST QUESTION: Do they like devices with a ‘whirring’ sound? If so, name one? What do they use it for and how?[This is a redundant question, but it kind of tells whether they’ve grown up or not.]That’s all I can get for now…You make the “answer key” for these questions! You need to do some work… right?Cheers,Dan
haha, i like #2.
Hehe, I’d score great on the gaming part, but I dunno about the other stuff..^^
agree w/ janae_san, if only i had your problem =]
When I read your 2nd paragraph I thought “learn to think outside of the box!”But then I read the rest, and I think you already know how to think outside of the box.Here’s some advice from someone who just celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary: Find someone who has the same (or compatible) life goals as you. Pick a direction, and travel there together. I am looking forward to the next 20+ years with my life partner!
LOL! i love ur ideas…good luck chick
MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA
Hahaha… you are hilarious..maybe you ought to have them mud wrestle each other too=FHaahahahha..
Wow… so many guys? You must be lucky… Sometimes I am not sure why guys make such a big deal over a girl. I think the girl is the one that chooses the guy so no point in going out of your way to try to impress her. If she wants to be with you she will find a way to let you know. Also guys should date with some seriousness in mind; otherwise why waste the girls time. If they are not interested in commitment than what IS IT that they are interested in? I don’t know. Maybe I’m jaded. But for me, unless I’m serious, I just don’t feel like making an effort. Maybe I am just relationship lazy. Have fun on your date!
i LOVE your entry.haha FF :)please write an entry about the results!!
A little more than three readers, it seems. That seems to be a lot of trouble trying to choose a date. If none of those guys stick out, is it really that much worse vegging in front of your computer playing video games, salivating, eating cold pizza and listening to the same old album you’ve heard every day for the last year and a half in drawn out, lonely seclusion?Can that really be so much worse than the overwhelming crowding and entertainment of some loser trying to impress you an entire day? Well it’s what I do every Valentine’s day and I’m happy. Ohhh who am I trying to kid? I wish I was you……. so much power!
i really don’t know why but for some reason a girl who can cut your nuts off by playing bust a move is extremely hot. if you gotta get castrated, that’d at least be an interesting way to go
Why don’t you just have them bring you a copy of their bank statement,I think that’s shallow enough.
Damn… such a hottie. I would invite you out, but I live too damn far away, plus I need to get my Blue Mage to lvl 75 on FFXI this week. Haaha… just kiddin’ =](wait… I do have to play FFXI) -_-
My Bust-a-Move skills are sub par, but can you hack it on Tetris Attack? And the Final Fantasy series peaked at 6, although Tactics was a fantastic departure.
Call me?
funny post. 🙂
Death match fight to the finish! Battle Royale!
Well number one is just mean… :p
@thisiswhereItellyoueverything – Nice.
Hi-larious. And on top of that, you made me see the good side of getting the opposite the last years… I mean, they have candy grams @ school, but I think if some guys could send me some kind of hate grams, they would… guys I don’t even know either… lucky I snagged someone this year… but after what I went through, I’d go for the guy who seemed to be the sweetest, most genuine, just overall nice guy. If that doesn’t work, I say go for the # panel judge show. I want to see that!
OK, here’s another possibility- have them do a “Cannonball Run” type of event where they have a coast to coast road race. You could have some waypoint clues along the way in various states to keep them from trying to cheat by flying. The first person to make it there and then back to you first gets the prize. P.S.After in reading the replies you’ve received, apparently some folks are taking your words very seriously. =:-0 That in itself can be part of the contest- the ability to differentiate between non-fiction and humor. =)
i saw your entry from the front page. Now let me get this straight. You like video games, you have cats, you write extremely well, and you look like that? Yeah thats believable…and I am president of the united states.Anyways back to being a nerd. Ask him “how do you get out the dungeon without using the wizard’s key” (Simpsons’ reference) And ask him to beat ninja gaiden sigma on the ps3 on the hardest difficulty. Getting both means he has good mental and physical reflexes. that is hard to find, oh wait no that is like every asian guy ever.
wow straight pimping! =P good luck!i would make a list of characteristics i want, like personality, looks, interests/career etc…see which matches you the best?
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You have quite the dilemma. Finding the Indian restaurant with patrons sounds promising. You’ll pick the guy who knows his way around town and acquire a new dining option.
ahhh, grammar trolls…gotta love ’em (they keep me on my toes) =D
Your humility is overwhelming…. >=PIf there is justice in this world, you’ll end up with nobody on the big day…
Upon careful review of the past 7 years of Elim-a-date, you’re still lacking an essential component of successful dating shows: big food. I mean like a child’s-swimming-pool-of-ice-cream sized big food, which someone will (of course) end up in and hilarity ensues. Maybe try giant pad thai? It’d be edgy, and sort out the weak ones with peanut allergies. Best of luck. I want you to know that this is the kind of freedom I signed up to defend – no big deal, thank me whenever.