Valentine’s Day may be 8 days away, but I’ve already got a harem of guys trying to get me to accept their invitations for an evening of roses and fancy dinners. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t have any Game–unless you count the chloroform-soaked handkerchief I keep on me at all times. That’s my go-to whenever my body isn’t enough persuasion.
Anyway, being faced with the dilemma of choosing one date out of a batch of many, I though I’d just take the most democratic approach and draw someone’s name out of a hat. However, I had to drop that idea because I don’t own any hats. I do have boxes, plastic bags, and Tupperware, but it’s called “drawing a name out of a hat,” not “drawing a name out of a box, plastic bag, or piece of Tupperware.” Get with it, people!
Luckily, I have a Plan B: a process of elimination based on reality television shows. It makes sense to have these guys work for the chance to spend lots of money in exchange for a hug, maybe even a peck on the cheek. Afterall, hanging out with me is like an automatic ticket to Heaven. If people are willing to drink a maggot milkshake for cash, then they’d definitely be willing to go through Hell for me.
Here are some of my ideas. I don’t watch anything other than what’s on my TiVo, and the only reality tv shows it records are “Project Runway” and “Top Chef.” That means I am in dire need of suggestions.
Three Panelist Shows (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars)
For this one, I’m going to do a Mr. Harem pageant and have the three judges score each guy. One judge will be a random person pulled from the street, who will rate the guys based on their physical compatibility. If a guy doesn’t look like he’d make a cute couple with me, he gets a bad score.
Another judge will be a good friend of mine, who will determine how long each guy will be able to hold my interest. If he talks a lot of nonsense about cars, hockey, politics, or social issues he gets a bad score. But if he talks about the Final Fantasy RPG series, he gets a great score.
I will obviously be the third judge. I’m scoring the contestants based on how well they play video games and get along with my cats. Bonus points if they can fold origami.
As for the contests, I don’t have a firm list but I know I definitely want to have a Business Attire round and a Naked round.
Survivor
Eight days worth of brutal challenges, with the winner getting to hang out with me for two hours. I’ve never seen an entire episode of “Survivor” before, so I don’t know what happens other than living in squalor and forming alliances. Who cares though? It’s all about making the guys go through obstacles anyway. Here are the challenges:
1. Take the Bar Exam in One Day: people who’ve taken the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school; law students who have yet to take the Bar know it’s the worst part of law school. Having the guys take a 3-day exam in 24 hours will definitely separate the weak from the weakest.
2. Contraction Matching: since I hate it when people get “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” mixed up, I think it’s appropriate to have a challenge for the guys to showcase their grammatical skills. They’ll get a worksheet with a bunch of sentences, and each sentence will have a blank space where they will have to fill in the correct contraction. One incorrect answer equals death elimination.
3. Find an Indian restaurant that has patrons: This one is probably an unfair challenge. When have you seen an Indian restaurant that wasn’t dimly lit and empty?
4. Beat me in Bust-a-Move: It’s impossible to do–ask the rejects who were close to getting in my pants but instead ended up getting their nuts cut off by my super skills.
The Bachelor
Okay, so “The Bachelor” is an obvious choice–but the only reason why I would go this route is so I can have a “rose ceremony.” Except, instead of roses, I’ll give the guys kittens. I’ve never watched “The Bachelor” so I don’t know what else happens during the show.
As I said, I am in dire need of suggestions. Come on, my three readers! Share some of your brilliance with me.
absolutangel64 
you’re too damn conceited.
Babe, I’m so vain, I actually think my blog is about me.
LOL…why don’t you set them all up on a potential “speed dating” set up and spend 2 minutes with each one and thru process of elimination, you round robin till ya get a winner….that should help you come to some conclusions in just a matter of “minutes”…depending on how large that ‘bevy’ of stock on hand is! *Ding ding!* Gooooooo!
hmmm i dont know, take a chance like a real human being and just pick one on your gut feelings and not make those guys jump through hoops? thats just my slant ^_^
Awesome post, I laughed so hard!
i need great sexy freined like you m y lady you haave sexy tites
MNA I SEE SEE YO PAGE IS CUTE !!
ask your them if they know where babies come from… i personally don’t.
can someone enrich my life and explain this mystery to me?
boo, my comment box doesn’t work…
i asked you to ask your suitors, if they know where babies come from… i don’t. will someone please enlighten me?
i’m confused…
omg ur seem so kool add me and talk to mee thanx
At the risk of you, in turn, checking out my pathetic site, I’d like to comment and say that this and your previous three posts are all hilarious. But I figure this comment should be lost among the hundreds, since you have a lot more than three readers now. Congrats! I especially enjoyed the rant on birth control commercials.
Yah, the bar exam sucked. Imagine having to take it in a 24 hour period. At least you would be done with in one shot. I’m glad, I’ve survived that- taking and passing the bar exam.
Go Tila Tequila style.
Here is the obvious solution … why don’t you just pick the guy you like best? Screw the contest … you are trying to make love “fair” when love is the the most unfair concept in the world because you can’t logically choose a particular person to fall in love with.
Just choose the guy you like best and quit jerking your “harem” around … they are human beings too, let the unchoosen at least have a chance to ask someone else out.
this post is quite ridiculous,
either you’re trying to get attention,
or you’re showing off how many guys want your attention,
it’s just stupid
how about you schedule your entire day between those guysExample:10-12 Guy One12:30-2:30 Guy two3-5 Guy threeEtc etc ^_^THEN, you can come and give me all those kittens. =)
🙂 If i was one of those guys i’d burst your bubble… i know you THINK you’re super fine..but honestly..you’re not even the cutest girl i saw today. sorry, and good luck! I’d work on more than looking pretty, since…. it doesn’t last long…
Your posts are hilarious.
And how good are you, that’s the first question…
haha, funny and awesome post!
MM.. my personal favorite: the 3 Panelists Show, it’s fail proof
or, you could just jump my bones
omg! brilliant post! lucky you to have a string of guys asking you out on Valentines. i think it’s another single’s night out for me, if i can pull myself away from my assignments that is.
that’s not something i would complain about
why do you have to choose one? go out with all of them on that night. heck, you keep a harem of men for a reason, right??
pass by=]]
CM 4 U……
Have you seen the guys who go on reality competition shows? They are either right out of high school or wish they were still in. Low IQs and low class frat boys for the most part.
Your competition may indeed find a winner, but tell me, if you choose the best looking rat in your trashcan, isn’t it still a dirty rodent? Good luck!
I don’t know where you find YOUR Indian restaurants, but all the ones I’ve been to have been bustling with commotion.Good luck with your gentleman-callers
haha…not a bad idea…i gotta say though, this takes finding a date to a level much more excruciating than usual…
no idea why this made featured..
Your three readers? Well I’m pretty sure you have more than that now, since your post got you on the featured articles. I love your sarcasm though. Just stunning. Anyway, I’d go for Survivor, since that sounds a lot more entertaining. A guy is especially worth it if he’ll endure ridicule and immense humiliation to garner a girl’s attention. (I know from experience.) ;] Good luck with your game/plans.
funny stuff, have a nice V-day
So, how’s the game coming along?
I can definitely see how you became a “xangalebrity.” A sharp sense of humor, somewhat photogenic (if that’s your actual picture), and a killer grammatical understanding… it is hard to see the press not eating it up.Another suggestion (although it is pointless at this time) for your selection process is caveman-style. Toss them all in a mud pit and have them fight to death. Winner takes all. Although I suppose this would not be a very good method if you want your date to be in one piece.
LOL…I love the contraction matching…I may not be an English major, but I hate misspellings (especially in books!!), and the misuse of contractions.
And the kitten ceremony…ROFLOL!
Lol, awesome.
I write hour long contracts essays in half an hour, and get all the issues. BWAHAHA!!!! Do I qualify?