I learned something fairly interesting this past weekend: some people at my law school have been passing rumors about me being some kind of ho. I couldn’t believe it: people actually know I exist?! That’s amazing! No, it really is because I only have classes 3 days a week; I’m not in any student organizations; and I don’t go to school events. I am so unnoticeable that people have actually gone entire semesters without realizing I was even in their class. But I suppose that’s expected since I tend to keep to myself whenever I’m at school–hence why after 3 years I’ve only made 4 or 5 friends (might have something to do with my “frigid b*tch” look–but I can’t help that it’s my normal face!).
Thus, there is no reason why I should have any reputation—but I do, and I have a theory why: I am too boring to actually be boring. It’s kind of like how some people react when they see happy couples: they’re too happy to actually be happy, and therefore they must be hiding some major drama. Similarly, my boringness is so extreme that it must be a façade I use to mask my true nature: ho-bag.
Naturally, I can’t help but feel a little irritated that some people think I’m slutty. I mean, come on now! That is so bland! I waited an insanely long time for my name to get into the rumor mill, and when I finally make it my reward is the completely unoriginal skank label? That sh*t is totally unacceptable!
I’m definitely not going to allow being relegated to a second-class citizen because I know I deserve way better than what I’m getting. Therefore! I will take matters into my own hands by infiltrating the gossip monger circles and planting juicy tidbits about myself. None of this sissy “she’s a ho/slut/skank” bullsh*t! That stuff is for amateurs!
If people are going to gossip about me, it better be worth hearing. So my goal is to make sure that when anyone mentions my name, it is in regards to one of the following rumors:
I poop live abalone (which makes me the obvious key to world hunger).
Dane Cook’s sense of humor is hidden in my anus.
I had an orgy with the entire Xanga Team, Dikembe Mutombo, and an ear of corn.
By day I am a law school student; by night I am Chuck Norris.
I hold the world record for deadliest ass gas.
The guy who played Mr. Belvedere is not dead; I actually ate him (which I guess means he’s dead).
I am John’s secret love child.
Anything less and I will start beating some ass with my fist–and I mean the one hidden under my beard. Yeah, I’m that serious.
absolutangel64 
oh my gosh…”FIRST”…lol
That’s sad that when you finally get the privilege of being part of the rumors that they aren’t even original! Some people just have NO creativity!
You go and kick some ass!
kick some ass. your third rumor idea made me laugh (because of Dikembe). hahaha
Seriously, though, how sad is it that it’s almost 11:30 pm and I’m still awake? AND checking Xanga? And me with needing to get up before 8 am. Ugh. (and need to get 2 sleepy boys up and at ’em)
You are pretty damn funny!
can’t wait to see u on perezhilton!
You mean you turned Mr. Belvedere to an abalone? :PAww now I need to visit that campus of yours and take matters into my own hands lol.
I thought one the rumors for sure would be that you’re a man.
AND an ear of corn!?!?!Dikembe waves his finger at you, as you are a naughty girl.
Wow, what’s with all of the ass rumors?I heard that: Your breasts were legally purchased by Johnnie Walker and
will dispense gold label if fondled correctly.They had to amputate your vagina due to a violent bar fight over
a bag of Cheetoh’s. You sniff cat pee to get high.
I like the Chuck Norris rumor the best. It’s a good one because it’s actually believable. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think it was true!
No, Telly, only you can start that rumour because only you can be that ignorant, immature and chauvinistic.
I thought you are Heath Ledger’s love child and you poop piping hot happy meals which is the solution to world peace =D.
lol- im sure now at least among the xanga community you will have some interesting rumors floating around you, don’t worry when i am at the most crowded of public places i will casually bring up what a how you had an orgy with the entire Xanga Team, Dikembe Mutombo, and an ear of corn, and how you made it so hot the ear of corn turned to popcorn. š
Scary rumors, but I bet the truth is worse! Yikes.
You expect to solve world hunger by making people eat live abalone that came out of your ASS??? o_0Sorry to hear about your little gossip issue…you could always use your chloroform skills to find out the culprits and introduce then to Chuck Norris =)
lol you tell ’em! Gossip sucks. Too bad you got caught up in it.
I think the most believable rumor you can spread is that you hold the record for the most deadliest ass gas.
lol it’s probably true, it’s always the quiet ones u gotta watch out for….them sneaky ones!
yeah, i’ve heard law school can be rough — kids gossiping, bullies beating you up at recess, people stealing your lunch money… terrible.
“C-C-Chuck Norris? All this time, it’s been you???”
dang…that’s pretty lame that those fellow students haven’t gotten out of high school yet. i was wondering where dikembe got that finger wag.
That’s damn right, go big or go home!I don’t think I even know what abalone is. I’m usually up to try anything at least once, but I think I’ll pass on your ass-food.Actually, word around here’s been spreading that you aren’t actually one woman, but rather a midget standing on another’s shoulders in a costume. I think that warrants an investigation.
what kind of law students are they for them to come up with that? maybe you could be hulk hogan’s secret love child, lol.
A mini and eprops…But no recommendation?
snap! I thought I already had!Here come some more readerz!!
ryc: it took absolute talent. i actually have no idea. i figured since my jeans weren’t ripped that neither my underwear nor my hip would be shredded.
….so you could understand what Dikembe Mutombo says?
I’ll get started on spreading those rumors, boss lady!
*salutes and runs off, a sheet of paper in one hand toward the rumor mill*
Your efforts will not go to waste.
Great post.
= )
Haha…good post.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’d think law school students would be more mature and professional rather than petty and hurtful without cause.
People fear what they don’t know. You could go for extra geek points and say you ride an extra large chocabo.
Either that or start taking 3 things that don’t go together and see if peoples brains turn to mush….
Spandex, a rubber chicken, and a tub of crisco…. Where did your mind go.
LOL, this was an awesome post!
rumors suck. make sure to beat those gossip loving people who talk about you being a ho.
Get lost? You insult me, you hardly know the depths of my obsession! I wait longingly in the corner for your comments…stroking my hair doll…=PBTW what’s up with the rims? Are you just giving random mini’s? I “ride” a V-dubb if you really wanna know…o_0
are u the love-child of john and that indonisian cat that poop the most expensive coffee bean out of her ass, except w/ genetic mutation and the tsunami, u poop abalona instead?
**typo** indonesian.
…beat me up with the fist in your chin? CHUCK NORRIS STYLE!
3 out of 7 of those rumors involved your ass … which is weird, but the Dane cook one was hilarious. Nice post.
Lol, awesome.
sorry about the rumors; but THANKS for the humor. Loved your post.
nice post !!! LMAO !!!!
And which is John is that? The first one that came to mind was Lennon.
Being labeled as a skanky ho is actually good. You have to be pretty good looking to be labeled that ya know? Some girls live to be called a skanky ho. You should find the next skankiest ho and french kiss her in front of class. You’ll be the #1 search in your school.
Chuck Norris?Nooooo MacGyverThen with some toothpicks, abalone and chicken wire you will be able to construct something to pull Dane Cook’s sense of humor out your arse and free the world from your hideous gas.
hahahahahaha. dane cook. haha.
What!? No naked pictures to prove you’re not a Ho? š
My favorite is you “poop live abalone.”
It’s easy to see how this false rumor about you could have happened…….Guy1: Hey look at that eye candy over there…she has the hotness!Guy2: Yeah, I’ve seen her around campus…she’s hot! Do you know her?Guy1: Nah,…and I never see here with anyone one else…she keeps to herself….Guy2: I noticed that too, and one time when I walked past her she gave me that “frigid b*tch” look…freaked me out man!Guy1: Man, she’s probably stuck up…Guy2: Yeah man, who does she think she is….I bet she’s just a ho.Guy1: You’re right dude, she’s a ho…Guy3: Hey guys what’s up? Hey look at the hottie over there….Guy1 and Guy2: No man, she’s a ho!…and thus a false rumor is born……..
You are so sweet, you always recommend, and in doing so, invite new friends to my blog! *heart!*If you are looking for creepy, you can’t beat the creepy kitty. Look how its eyes say “I want to stare at you while you sleep from the sedative I put in your water”
i love chuck norris! and you have a good sense of humour.
That’s exactly what im doing @ college, just going through school days without making too many friends. :p