My Pulse is riddled with inappropriate questions–which I cleverly call the “Inappropriate Question of the Day” or “I.Q.D.” I know what you’re thinking: that title is a perfect example of Sylvia’s creative prowess! If only I could be as original as she is!
Anyway, I’ve received a number of messages from people who have wanted to know why I ask such nasty things. The answer is quite simple, but in order to fully understand it we must go back in time to when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! Mwahahaha! 1982, when I was born. Actually, that’s an understatement; I wasn’t just born–I was born awesome. And awesomeness = asking inappropriate questions. The end.
…Okay, fine! I started the I.Q.D.’s because nothing else fit on my Pulse (*cough* stingy 132-character limit *cough* *cough*). And I know appropriate questions would have worked just as well, but they’re overused and boring as hell. As if you needed another person to ask you who you’re voting for or what you think about Iraq. So unless I’m trying to trick someone into giving me some lovin’ (e.g., “I’d really love to hear your thoughts on global warming; why don’t you get naked and share them with me?”), I try to stay away from appropriate questions by not asking any. Trying to avoid answering them is way more difficult; as of right now I have to loudly fart my way out of it. There has got to be a better method!
I prefer to ask inappropriate questions because that’s the only stuff I genuinely want to know about. For instance, one time my crotch literally smelled like french fries and I wanted to see if anyone else had experienced something similar. I posted an I.Q.D. on my Pulse and found out that I was the only one (and then I called my OBGYN and told her I thought I was dying because I had McDonald’s vagina). Asking the I.Q.D.’s has also given me the opportunity to get to know other Xangans better–because you don’t really know someone until you know how they maintain their pubes.
As long as I’m on this topic, and because I don’t have a transition sentence, if you happen to need a good laugh I very highly recommend you visit “Yahoo! Answers.” People go there to ask or answer all types of questions, ranging from homework help to health advice. But who cares about those? I’m telling you to go there because of questions like these:
“I want to make Hamburger Helper, but I’m not the greatest cook. Can someone help me out?”
“I just got a Brazilian bikini wax from a new girl and she totally ripped my vagina skin. What now?”
“A guy told me you could make a virus that can harm the PC. How do you do that? Please tell me! Thank you!”
“Why does my penis sometimes shrink and pull inside, as in turtle head, or worse, no turtle at all?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! These are real questions I found on “Yahoo! Answers,” but I cleaned up the grammar and spelling because it was too disgusting to look at. By the way, what the hell is the guy with the shrunken dick talking about?
absolutangel64 
lmao, i love inappropriate questions!
The Yahoo questions feature is further proof that technology has allowed us to circumvent Darwin’s law.
That guy needs to see a doctor, or consider becoming a woman.
IQD, FTW.
hahaha yay to inappropriate questions
My girlfriend told me I would like anal sex, but it hurt when she bent me over. Is something wrong here?
random house need to sign you up for a book complete w/ IQD and MsPaint illustration. puahahhahahah
I always enjoy those questions.
hahaa….i actually thought u are dating someone hence the inappropriate questions. but i enjoy it anywayy.. satisfy my curiousity too without me having to ask =P
Yeah, you should definitely do a children’s book. Instead of answering boring questions like “Why is the sky blue?” or “Is there life on Mars?” you can instead answer (and illustrate!) questions like, “What’s the difference between boys and girls?” and the ever-popular “Where do babies come from?” Eventually, you can turn it into a franchise and then start selling those one-a-day calendars with your questions and illustrations on it. I would buy one.
LOL. You never cease to put a smile on my face.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!i like the turtle shell LOL and how am i supposed to give u a finger… ahhaha
Every time I think you can’t get any grosser, you top yourself! I enjoy them!
At least your IQD are original. Because most people wouldn’t dare ask those kinds of questions.Those yahoo! Questions had me rolling.
I loved when AOL leaked people’s searches.http://www.somethingawful.com/d/weekend-web/aol-search-log.phpfor your pleasure
Lol! I love your drawings. Although I think the turtle should be saying “bow chicah wow wow.” I’m not quite sure what the turtle penis complaint is about. The only turtling in that region I’ve ever heard about is the imminent-about-to-crap-in-my-pants sort of turtling…think about it…you’ll get it soon enough….
I went to a slumber party where they had this. Thought you should see it for yourself. Click here and I hope it works.
btw…I don’t read the questions..They’re too much for me…so I just stick to your blog.
one McGina please.whatever the regular size is kthx.annnd i’m totally taking credit for you understanding the sentence “IQD, FTW.”and any ftw related-ness hahaha =P
french fries??? What the?There was a guy on Dr. 90210 who had surgery for his dick to come “out” of his body.
Ahaha. Sometimes I think you’re a guy because of how you write… then I realize I think the same way. Yahoo Answers NEVER ceases to amaze me…@franksabunch – Perhaps we should program the Transformers to take them out?
lolwtfbbq? Yahoo Answers is problematically riddled oftentimes with useless junk.
Agreed: very inappropriate questions!!!!!
i think you do it for the titillating factor. and i love it 😀
how do you get to be born awesome? how can you tell? i want to know if i was born awesome…
I may never be able to see turtles the same way again.
so you have deep fried vigina and some dude has.. or don’t have a potentially detatchable wee wee…LOL you are too funny at times. And yes you are pretty awesome!
lol@ your drawings.My favorite thing I found on Yahoo questions: “I am planning to do a self circumcision??”And you have a weird way of getting to know people. I usually stick to AIM.
……quite fascinating you are. LOL. I feel sorry for the oven mit…he always got ripped of in the commercials…he never once got laid.
lol…omg this has been the funniest thing i read in a while…check that…its cuz of the drawings…love em! i have a feeling you and i would get along…i think inappropriate things all the time but never show it…
The inappropriate questions are the questions that brighten my day.
yum
You’re a lot older than I’d like you to be.I- I mean, I like my women wise and you are wise beyond your years.———————–[I never even knew pulse existed until a few days ago when I was browsing through my subscription page and stumbled upon your I.Q.D.’s.”
omg that is sooo funny!!!
haha very inappropriate but humorous. xanga needs more stuff like this
You have the dirtiest pulse… keep it up!
honestly don’t know use of limped but turtle probably killed himself afterwards for acting like a turd.
I think I just had a hernia laughing so hard at the hamburger helper question. WTF!?!?! IT’S IN A BOX WITH STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS !!!!! Hamburger helper is not Michelin 3 star cuisine here ….
I guess you could have taken the phrase “would you like Fries with that?” to another level!
Heh heh heh…. I love Yahoo Answers.There’s always the “OMG, I HAV THESE WIERD BUMPS AND RASHS ON MAH BUTHOLE!!! WAT DO I DO!?!?!?!?!?!1″Ah…. good times.
@gorman117 – If you have to ask… you weren’t
I think the guy’s turtle head problem is like your McGina problem–no one knows why because only he has it!
Congratulations, Love, this entry has made your Pulses become more popular!You know you’re only about 4 years away from being 30?! [tease][/tease]
Regarding your pulses:I’m alarmed to see you are no longer prefacing your inappropriate questions of the day with that title or the IQD warning label. Who knows how many folks have fallen victim to misjudged content? =:-0 Consider the following scenarios:1) Corporate person giving a speech in front of high powered dignitaries: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m am honored to be chosen as your speaker today, but before I start, I thought it would be a great ice breaker to start with a pulse from AA. She’s good in warning us against any inappropriate content so we can just pick the “safe” humorous ones. Oh here’s one: [Has anyone ever done the poo….]Crowd: [Gasp!!!]Speaker: Whoa!….I don’t know how that got in there…it didn’t have a warning!?! I’m so sorry,..let me try another one…[Has anyone ever eaten…]Crowd does another collective gasp and several older women faint…Speaker: Oh my gosh,….this must be some terrible mistake! I had no idea…..Boss: “Jenkins…..you’re FIRED!”2) Person checking pulses in a public place:Peep1: Whatcha doing?Peep2: Looking over new pulses I received…Peep1: What’s that from AA? Whoa dude…what kind of subscription service are you on? Are you into that kind of stuff?Peep2: No wait! It’s not what you think….Peep1: Hey man, I’m not a judge…whatever floats your boat.Peep1 now starts the rumor about Peep1 being a kinkmeister.__________________________________________________________Next I have a hard time believing that out of a whole universe of questions, you are only interested in the left field sex ones. I mean, even if you were the most sheltered person in the world, there should be other questions on your mind in addition to the er….”sexually creative” ones. I know you have some genuinely interesting questions in you that don’t require an IQD preface. =)_______________________________________________________________Regarding the Hamburger Helper question: I think the person has been misunderstood. She’s not asking about “using” Hamburger Helper, but “making” it. That makes it a valid question- how the heck do you make hamburger helper? Maybe it’s cheaper to just go out and buy it instead of trying to add fillers and seasonings and hope for the best- I think that’s what most work and school cafeterias do….to our stomach’s horror. =P
yeah- ^ ^; im super polite especially when im about to open a can of karate chop on someones ass. :Dlove reading your posts. you rock with an eruption of awesomeness!
@SoullFire – The questions that do not have the I.Q.D. label are not I.Q.D.’s. They are just things I want to know about for whatever reason. I.Q.D.’s, on the other hand, are things I have personally experienced (except the loose va-jay-jay one, but that question was so above and beyond nasty that I had to title it), and hence why I always include my own answer.Crazy Cat Lady wins!
@absolutangel64 – You may “think” you’ve won this round, CCL, but my intelligence agency is onto you and your nefarious plans!Exhibit 1: Secret footage of one of your special ninja kitten training camps:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHq0SlcRh8k&feature=relatedExhibit 2: One of your ninja kittens taped actually conducting a hit! Sadly our agent lost his life getting this rare footage:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86xY2tT4agY&feature=related
This subscription should be a hoot. =)
Another great way to entertain yourself online with humanity’s stupidity is by looking in the craigslist “Casual encounters” section or really any of the sections under the “personals” banner. Or the discussion forums if you can even make sense of them (which I couldn’t). But those casual encounter vampire fetish ads are pretty priceless…
Check out my most current Pulse question, “What is the oddest thing you have done in the shower?”