I had to use the bathroom before class, and instead of sitting on the toilet I chose to pee while squatting over the seat.
It wasn’t because the bathroom was a cesspool of filth (far from it, since it’s a law school and thus goes out of its way to avoid being sued). And it was not because I was trying to be “green” by forgoing a paper seat cover—no, no way. While I use both sides of every sheet of paper before sending it to a recycling center, and opt for cloth napkins instead of paper whenever possible—I refuse to stop using those paper sani-seats. I will let the planet burn me to death before I let my butt touch a public toilet.
Anyway, I had a toilet seat cover and everything, but nevertheless decided to squat because of this:
Yes, the brand name of the covers is “Life Guard.”
I only discovered this last Tuesday, and found it pretty funny–but that was until I actually thought about it. The name “Life Guard” implies that the cover is highly superior to that of other brands. Indeed, if I had a choice between using a “Life Guard” and a “Health Guard,” I’d definitely choose the former—and you should too. Afterall, we’re not just talking about a thin sheet of paper with a hole cut out of middle here. We’re talking about a thin sheet of paper with a hole cut out of the middle that protects you from wayward fecal matter and urine residue, and also guards your life…
…but from what? What the hell is on the toilet seat that is potentially life-threatening and requires such a severe safety precaution? I mean, this whole time I thought the only things I needed to worry about were random pee or poop leftovers. Now, it turns out I could have been sitting on a toilet seat that was covered with a mutant form of Staph, Ebola, Clostridium Botulinum, or that parasite that causes Elephantiasis?! Nooo!!!
I’m never sitting on another public toilet seat again! Squat-peeing for life!
absolutangel64 
I see seat covers as condoms for taking a squirt. You can never be too careful.
I’m a pee-squatter, too. IF I have to use a public restroom. Which I usually do, since I have a bladder the size of a pea. HA HA HA…pun wasn’t intended, but now it is…. Hope you’re having a great Holiday if you’re in the States!
You put “Elephantiasis” in a post and owned it. I’m just a hoverer with quads of steel; I fear no specimen of the seat.
me too
nice… now I feel ab-so-fcvkin-lutely fan-fcvkin-tastic. Thanks… :p
I squat, too. Thank goodness for loooooong legs!
I always squat over the toilet instead. XD Because 1/2 the time those little sheet things aren’t available and if I use a public bathroom at my college, all I can think about is when I learned that 3/4 of the people who come into the college health center are for STDs. o__o
Oh the things us women have to do to stay sanitary. Guys have it easy unless they have to take a shit.
awwww, poop and pee are so cute!
squat!
I can’t stand squatting! pun indended. I’ll use the sheets, after all the main bits and pieces don’t touch the seat.
all girls know how to ‘hover.’
Imagine there was Streptococcus Pyogenes on the seat? That would make for a very, very bad problem in a place where you don’t want a very, very bad problem.
imagine how hard it is if you need to drop the kids off at the pool in a bad way…so you’re forced to use a public restroom…and you have a penis. the worst case scenario is the O shaped bowls. i dunno about other dudes, but when my buddy isn’t excited, he’s kinda sticking out at a very slightly declined angle (instead of flopping straight down lol…wait should this be in the IQD section?). O shaped bowls FUCK me up. i mean how am i supposed to sit there on a public toilet? if i let the buddy hang out below the seat, then he’ll invariably contact the naked rim of the bowl GROSS GROSS GROSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! so my workaround is that i have to get another one of those life guards and like lay the buddy on a little life guard protective pad in front of me at the most anterior aspect of the seat. but what if i need to pee too? now i’m forced to bend the buddy at a very uncomfortable downwards L shape in order to pee!! fucking O shaped seats! this is why i much prefer the U/egg shaped bowls.if there are no lifeguards, what i do is roll out a long roll of TP…and fold it 3 times over. makeshift seat guard. not a fan of hovering unless the seat is like VISIBLY soiled lol.anyway, i thought you might like to know that. HAHA!
good quad workout eh?
Bwahahahahaha!Hooray for the penis, which allows the function of stand-up peeing!Tough break, women.@tim00 – Very true, very true. This can be a horrifying situation.
If your poop really looks like that, you should go to the clinic =P
Oh yuck…
germs don’t exist anymore!
HAHAHA. I totally understand how you feel. Reguardless of how many covers I use… I still feel gross. I hate public restrooms and I ALWAYS squat (:
@wherethefishlives – now there’s a phrase I never expected to hear in my lifetime….
toilet paper over toilet seat!
Yucky. You can never be too sure of what people do in the bathroom..
Thank goodness I’m a guy. I just try not to poop when I’m outside. But if I do have to, I usually clean the whole seat before sitting on it. Yes, I am very paranoid. To think that I’m sitting on a toilet that might infect me with unknown diseases just makes me constipate.
tiring
hahahahahahhaha!!!! Girl! you rock. that was a nice piece of thing I have just read……n the picture of the seat is awesome! squatting rules!!!
@tim00 – AGREE!!!! x10000 I mean, and it doesn’t happen often, but once in a while you get like a semi-erection while on the toilet. This leads to your penis going from hanging happily between your legs, to wanting to spring upward toward the disgusting under-rim of the toilet seat… I find myself having to rest it on my thigh in a worse case scenario, but obviously it wants to spring back into position!And we haven’t even TOUCHED on the phenomenon of ball-splash.
Yeah, it’s a trade off, I’d say.However, in my case, I pee as often as a goat who’s just taken a diuretic. But (if I say so myself) I have one hell of a strong colon, and can hold number two for as long as it takes to get to a toilet I’m comfortable with.Usually. Sometimes I just have to throw a Hail Mary.(And you know, there needs to be a Mini with a cute, little, smiling pile of doo-doo. I’d give it all the time. It could say….. “You stink!”)
ryc: The ball-splash is when you’ve just pinched off a loaf and it splashes dirty toilet water onto your nutsack. This can also happen while flushing. It’s quite an unpleasant sensation.
Ha, where I am, squatting in public restrooms is an unspoken law. You get weird looks if you actually sit on the seat.
You know, I used to think the females in my family were the only ones who squat while using a public toilet. I don’t know when I discovered that almost every girl does it, too. It’s just so nasty, public bathrooms. I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to actually sit on that disgusting seat.
Hilarious. I’m a guy, and I don’t even like touching toilet seats — even at home.
your paint-pictures are fabulous
I was once told that somewhere in the Bible a man is defined as “he that pees standing up,” but I’m NOT going to spend time researching it.
do u squat p00p too?
more nice drawings. i never realized girls piss yellow pearls.
Sometimes I like to swim in the toilet water.
lol
lol i just sit on the seat covers… what can i say, i like to live life on the edge
not to mention… period stains…. YIKES.
@tim00 – That is super hilarious… and I thought girls have it bad – never realized what guys actually have to go through… hahaha
I agree with you!!! Squatting is good.
I can’t even use public toilets (see there’s a sign over there that says so…). I’d rather shit on my own head, and that’s impossible so I just hold it in.
kekeke your illustrations are super kawaii ^_^ hELLo kiTTy fo’ LyFe
Funny story. I like your fearless style, friend. Reminds me of my friend Steven Martinez in college.S.C.
if i ever have to use a public toilet for squattin purposes i’d use the life guard AND 3 strips of double ply toilet paper on top of the life guard for double protection. I heard u can get hepatitis and crabs from toilet seats….yuck! no thank you!
I agree with you, friend. Those public commodes are poorly taken care of. I have been in many of them, and I gotta tell you, they are disgusting and plain tacky.S.C.
Woot, squatting fo’life! lol I always opt for that when I use public restrooms, because it just seems more sanitary that way (and there ain’t no telling what other people leave behind when they sit..a thin layer of toilet covering or bathroom tissues isn’t enough for real safety!)! I’m definitely with you on not sitting on a toilet seat to pee for a long time…
Yea those seat covers are really thin… I like to refer to them as “ass gaskets” because essentials that’s what they are. I like to whip down the seat, twice and then double up on the ass gaskets to give a more “secure” feeling from the public restroom @ work, and only @ work will I use a public crapper. Why? Cause its cleaned 3 times a day here.
I saw an episode on mythbusters and they said it was a myth. They tested it on different buildings and there’s little chance that those germs can kill you. It’s probably more on being paranoid because most women can’t get their pee on the toilet bow. But I squat anyways just to avoid the pee or poop stain (yuck!)