Forgive me for inadvertently giving you all the silent treatment. I have been in China for the past few days to check out mail-order brides and train for the Olympics. I’m trying to get a gold medal in the “How Long One Can Survive a Public Bathroom in a Chinese Mall” competition. What do you mean that’s not a sport? Using a public bathroom in China (and Taiwan, for that matter) requires the power of steroids, er, strength of mind and body or else you will never be able to survive the suffocating smell of old, rancid urine. It’s an endurance sport, I tell you! Endurance! visit friends and family, and unfortunately Xanga is one of the sites the Internet always has trouble connecting to. Must be because the government knows democracy can be purchased with Credits.
Anyway…
While I don’t consider myself a violent person, when I feel like I am being taken advantage of, it really makes me wish I could have a Michael-Corleone-bathroom-gun-scene moment and punish that person like a total badass. I would even go so far as to give up a vital organ if it meant I could get the chance to make mashed potatoes out of the nuts of some jerk who thought he could profit off my vulnerabilities.
For example, this asshat cab driver I came across in Shanghai. I was having a late dinner with my cousin and a friend, and by the time we were done the subway had stopped running for evening; it was also raining pretty hard. Apparently, when these two factors occur, it gives cab drivers the right to inflate their fees. Thus, although the cab ride from our hotels to the restaurant was only 30 yuan (about $4), it was going to cost us 130 yuan ($18) to get home!
Luckily—and I use that word very, very loosely—we managed to get a cab to take us back for a mere 100 yuan ($ do the math yourself). This was after we had been trying to find a legitimate driver for almost half an hour, while at the same time fending off the many shady weirdoes who offered us rides. So by the time I was finally able to get into a cab, I was not only tired–I was also incredibly pissed-the-f*ck-off…so pissed that during the entire ride home, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to ninja star the cab driver’s face, or Wolverine one of his ears off. Imagine how badass I would be if, right when he dropped us off and demanded his money, I Hadoken’d his dumbass and then beat him with a rubber hose covered in lice. Oh man…sometimes I turn myself on!
But…knowing me, it is better that I lack the power to badassly punish people since I’d most likely end up using it in situations were badassing would be excessive and completely unnecessary.
Bad Fast Food Badassing!
Bad Hygenic Gym Behavior Badassing!
absolutangel64 
One of those passive meanies ehh:O
wow you got ripped off *wer-wer* =(. I hope at least the dinner was good.Usually you bargain for a flat fee with the cabbie if you are out late or you are gonna get ripped especially if you look like you are from overseas. As usual mspaint violence involving a blade the size of your body or a barbell is high comedy =D.
LOL…. Yea I agree. I went to Shanghai about 4 years ago. Those cab drivers are fucking crazy. One trip I took the guy started driving on the sidewalk like it was the thing to do and no one really minded him doing it anyways… But it was a fun trip.
The fact that you used “Hadoken’d his dumbass” in a blog just enforces why I love reading your posts. I was laughing so hard it took me a minute to finish reading. Thanks again for the laughs.
There is a land called Passive-Aggressiva, and you are their Queen.
Take the cab. Throw some money at the driver while your getting out, and then RUN!
lol, I didn’t realize that it was that bad, when I was in Shanghai earlier this year, I knew the rates went up past 11PM or something. It would always cost more to come home than to go out at night. But some nights I was too drunk to notice if I got ripped off.
Cab drivers always do this. Irregardless, If I remember correctly the rates in Shanghai went up at night. Either way, how’s your chinese? Usually they aren’t too bad if you speak pretty well.
Think of it this way… you’re focusing on 5-10$. I know its the principle… but still 5-10$ is nothing to stress about.Call it a contribution to China’s economy (like buying all that stuff from Walmart/Target doesn’t already help).
Sylvia! Man, I had to change my last post just to include you in. I stole a pic of yours without permission so you might want to lawyer up. You are full of the funnies.
“With great power comes great responsibility” – the “S” stands for Super Sylvia, my new favorite hero.
O dear, i’ve had that same experience in China during May. I just started swearing to him in english and it made me feel semi-better lol*hug* glad you’re back 🙂 And yea, stupid china blocks xanga -.- must be a free speech thing
Wow, China! And I hear you about the sweat on the gym equipment. That’s a common theme among Body-for-Lifers….those stupid ‘asshats’ that leave their germ-infected body fluids on machines that other people need to use. It’s like you have to have one of those steam-germ-killing-showers on your way out from working out. It’s enough to make you want to run outside and lift dumbbells at home. For FREE!
You don’t need a machete to get cheese in Wisconsin.
What is with people not wiping off the equipment in the gym? That’s just foul. I cringe every time I see someone do that; usually guys are the worst about it.
You should’ve took down the license plates of the shady ones and report them to the secret police as falun gong practitioners.
I like the pigtails in the 2nd pic. (:
lol … WHERES THE CHEESE BISH!?!!?
The first one was ok, but that second I know all too well…Yeah, shady cabdrivers aren’t cool. I had to put one on blast in Philly. so yeah
Love this post! There have definitely times when I wanted to do some badassing of my own!
rofl yeah, i hate the bathrooms in china >.<i like the cabs though, even if they smell of smoke and dead cats sometimes.
Well aren’t u a firecracker
just like the movie…where we have a mental conversation and image in our own brain haha u always have cute drawings..=)
hahaha, I went to Spain last summer and the cab drivers try to rip you off there too. We got picked up from the airport in Barcelona to our hotel, which was maybe 20 minutes, it cost us 60 euro!!Hope you had a fun trip otherwise!
LOL, this is awesome. I wish I could throw a weight at somebody’s head for everytime they didn’t clean the damn machines, hahaha!
you are forgiven!, omg china’s inflation is crazy. I”m going to hk next week
love the pictures!!! they crack em up
hahahaha! nice post! As usual…………………creative!
Lol, that was incredibly funny.And also, I share your gym hygiene frustrations. WTF.
haha, fantastic post as always. Nice to hear from you again!
“I Hadoken’d his dumbass and then beat him with a rubber hose covered in lice.” That made me laugh for days! XDDD
that is classic Shanghai. Living in Shanghai for the past six months, i totally feel your pain.
If I had the power to ninja someone whenever I felt I should, I’d definately abuse it.
If you ever just totally LOSE IT and badass someone without realizing it, so great is your rage/irritation…I hope someone catches it on camera.
You should have just Hadoken’d him for the fun of it 🙂 Funny blog.
hahahaahaha, the cab thing is stupid!
haha, note to self: do not piss absolutangel off.
@theblackspiderman – lol hells yea. that had me rolllin..Anyhow.. glad you got back home safely (and more importantly are still able to entertain me..)i mean.. getting home safely is all fine and dandy.. but even if you were severely injured, like supreemely bad style.. as long as you wrote a blog w/ mspaint about it I’d be just as happy as i am now! awww.. that’s love!jB ❤
OH.. and “asshat…” pretty much always the right word lolwell played.
That is so funny! I would have taken the cab then ditched it…damn overcharging arghhh…
these photos you made are lol
Love your cute illustrations! “… give up a vital organ…” Wow, you were pissed eh. =D
Hilarious! Thanks for the illustrations too
I totally get the stinky toilet part, they’re horrible!Wolverine and Hadoken, that was hilarious.
loli remember having to pay 35 cents to squat in some hole to pee. will you be staying for the olympics?
Mad eProps for using Michael Corleone and Hadoken in your entry! Personally… I would’ve went with Tiger-Tiger-Tiger-Uppercut! =P
I love the drawings!
LOL! The illustrations were so saucy I almost cried. Almost.
everytime you post you take a piece of my heart. shoryuken ftw
agreed. 🙂