absolutangel64

The “Street Fighter” references I made in my recent posts got me reminiscing about a time when I thought that game was the best thing ever. I started playing it when my parents took my sister and me out to dinner at a restaurant that had a “Street Fighter II” arcade system, and after spending $2.00 getting my ass beat, I was totally hooked. I ended up buying an SNES specifically so I could play that game.

And of course, like every other female gamer, my character of choice was Chun Li. Why? Because she was the only one with a vagina. Back then, there was no Cammy or that dyke version of Ryu who had a severe cocaine problem (hence why she was always playing with her nose). So if you wanted a girl fighter, you had to stick with Chun Li or the other feminine character, Vega.

Chun Li was almost like my Capcom-created twin because she was Asian and female…key word: almost. The problem was that her signature moves were horrible–i.e., only better than Balrog’s. The fireball was disgustingly slow, and too hard for me to pull off. I think I only managed to use it twice, and that was because I wore a sock over my hand to help my thumb glide over the controller buttons. And that Whirlwind Kick was useless against the computer; all it had to do was kick me to dispel it. The only way that move could be successful was if you were playing against a pervert who was easily distracted by nonexistent panty shots.

What was left was the button-mashing-friendly Lightning Kick, but even that was a turd pile. I mean, as useful as it was, Chun Li would keep kicking a few seconds after I stopped button-mashing and thus could not defend or evade. And people took advantage of my momentary immobilization by jumping over me and then kicking my ass from behind.

Pfft! You suck, Chun Li!

And yes, she’s speaking Chingrish!