I have come to realize that I am cursed with some disease that makes me susceptible to “One False Move Moments.” I call them that because they are moments that must be handled with extreme tact or else your ass is grass–such as when a woman asks you if the outfit she is wearing makes her look fat, and the answer is “yes.” You know you’ve done something bad if you’re confronted with that scenario. Sucks to be you!
People who have successfully dealt with “One False Move Moments” tend to have better analytical skills, and can quickly find the correct solution out of the trillions of incorrect ones. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people for I tend to choose the worst solutions imaginable. Going back to my outfit example, if I were caught in the nightmarish situation of having to tell a woman that her attire makes her look fat, there is a 99.9999% chance that I would say, “you look like a sausage being choked to death by its own casing” instead of “that color does not do you justice.” I’m sorry, but I can’t ignore the obvious when it is parading in front of my face. I’m cursed, I tell you, cursed!
Anyway, I experienced another awkward situation while having lunch with one of my friends–let’s call her “Friend”…and while we’re at it, let’s call me “Creative Genius at Coming Up With Fake Names.”
Friend was talking about going on a diet, and asked me if I could help her out with something. I agreed without hesitation because at the time I thought she was going to ask if she could use my gym pass or borrow my MP3 player. But no! She instead asked me this:
FRIEND: Could you buy me one of those “Alli” starter kits? I’ll give you the money.
ME: …Heh?
FRIEND: Because it looks bad, you know? People are going to look at me and think I’m a fat chick trying to lose weight.
ME: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
I uhh’d for about a minute; that’s my go-to plan whenever I find myself on the verge of saying something that is either offensive or could easily be interpreted as such. Although doing this makes me look like a dumbass, it has saved me many times…well, no…that’s not true. It actually prolongs the agony.
FRIEND: What?
ME: Nothing. Um, I don’t think I should get it for you…
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: Because….
Maybe I’m wrong, but if I ever saw myself buying diet pills I’d immediately think “eating disorder” instead of “she’s buying it for a friend.”
Since I didn’t feel like being scrutinized that day, I therefore didn’t feel like doing her that favor. But saying it outright would have been rude; it would’ve instead been better to say something like “‘Alli’ makes your butt leak oil” or “exercise is more effective than diet pills,” or maybe even “I heard ‘Alli’ is manufactured in sweatshops and the secret ingredient is feces.” And I would have gone with any of those three choices had I been blessed with a couple more IQ points–but I wasn’t, hence why I said:
ME: You would probably do better getting it on your own. It makes more sense.
Threat neutralized! I am awesome!
FRIEND: What do you mean by that?
ME: You’re on a diet–and “Alli” is for dieters. So…?
I am screwed!
FRIEND: Are you calling me fat?
ME: Not at all! I’m just saying that I think it would look worse for me to buy diet pills than you.
FRIEND: I see… so it’s more acceptable for a fat girl to buy “Alli” than a skinny girl?
ME: No…but…uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
I ended up agreeing to help Friend out because, as expected, I offended her with my piss-poor attempt at conquering the “One False Move Moment.” And guess what happened when I went to buy those freaking “Alli” pills…
absolutangel64 
Wow, that’s like asking your 11-year-old brother to buy condoms for you. XDDD
another moment highlighted by ms paint. ty ms paint.
Ummm but she is a fat chick trying to lose weight.
ha!…why do they care?…I mean honestly…
I read this one before. But I am still commenting on it. I am nothing if not dedicated, now if only I could divert this dedication to the doctrine of “res ipsa loquitur.”