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I used to think that having black hair and slanted eyes was enough to make me Asian, but then I actually went to Asia and discovered I was kind of wrong. Sure, having certain physical features was enough to get me through the door, but from a cultural standpoint my Asianness was pretty watered down compared to the residents of the Motherland.
 
 …Yes, I said “residents” instead of “Asians” because I know that citizenship is no longer limited by continental boundaries (say “yes!” to globalization!)–i.e., you don’t have to live in a certain place because of your race (say “yes!” to rhyming!). Only people who live in caves think otherwise…they also eat twigs and make friends with wall paintings.

Anyway, this epiphany got me thinking: if my Asianness is watered down, then there has to be someone whose Asianness is more concentrated (hmm…suddenly I feel like having some orange juice)…so what makes someone hardcore Asian? Besides never knowing that “99 Ranch Market” had a cereal aisle even though he or she had been buying groceries there for centuries. There has to be some common factors amongst the more-Asianness community, right?

I decided to snoop around my friends’ and relatives’ stuff do some very scientific research and found 10 things that make someone more Asian (I’m 100% sure there are more than 10 things, but I got really lazy…please feel free to make suggestions!). It doesn’t matter what your race is; you’ve got some Asian in you if you do any of these things:

1. There is a bag of dried shiitake mushrooms somewhere in your kitchen…most likely near a bag of tiny, dried shrimps.

Shrimp and Shiitake
 

2. You will never be seen buying a bag of rice that doesn’t weigh 20 pounds.

3. You can eat street food without ever getting explosive diarrhea (how I envy you).

4. Tea bags are for the weak! Your drink of choice is dried plant matter swimming in hot water.

TeaLeaves

5. It’s not “stomach lining;” it’s called “tripe.”

6. You are lactose intolerant.

EvilMilkDevil
 

7. You are a badass when it comes to eating fish and chicken: you chew from one side of your mouth while spitting out bones from the other.

8. You knew who Edison Chen was before he became famous for being an avid beaver photographer.

9. You know what “boba” really means—and it doesn’t have anything to do with brown tapioca balls.

Milk Tea Breasts

10. Just because it smells like ass doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t eat it.
 

63 thoughts on “”

  7. haha so true! Even if I’m not born in Canada, I’d just lived there for couple of years, when i went back to Hong Kong, friends could tell that i’m not the local local chinese. It’s weird, even coming back for the 3rd year now. Oh. Also local local chinese can tell if the person has the international schools’ background. They say it’s the clothes and hair that we wear are different from the local asian style.what do you think?

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  21. I do more than half of all that because I live in Asia, like hello? But I am Asian too. 1. Tiny, dried shrimps make everything taste better. They are just like salt, only you can chew them. 2. My mom asks me to buy rice weighing 10kg per packet, and we usually take three at a time. 3. High class people can’t take street food; but higher class people are so high class that street food can’t even disturb their stomach. I’m the latter.4. Don’t forget we don’t add sugar and/or cream!5. Tripe is Asian macaroni.6. Just because we don’t drink milk, that doesn’t mean we are lactose intolerant. We just…you know…don’t drink milk…7. My late grandpa shot bones like a machine gun. ‘Gimme more fish! I need to reload! Fire in the hole! Here comes the chicken bones!’ But not me.8. Practically every girl swooned over him, how could we guys not know him? But now we know, good guys always win.9. Even if ‘boba’ referred to the tapioca balls, we don’t actually call them ‘boba’ here. Only un-Asian Asians say ‘boba’.10. Ass smells like ass too–and you eat it.11. We can pick up food with just two sticks!12. We usually need to trim our jeans after we buy them; or we fold up the ends when we wear them.(I just had to comment it like this; #11 and 12 are the suggestions.)

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  25. Hahaha…this is funny and yet so true in a way! lol. I don’t know what’s boba, i have never tried chicken’s feet, i’m not lactose intolerant. yet i’m as asian as i can get. & i know all the others!

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  26. LOL! there are a lot out there7. You are a badass when it comes to eating fish and chicken: you chewfrom one side of your mouth while spitting out bones from the other.that’s a good one though… cherries are in that too haha

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  40. I think #10 goes for every race!  And I thought only black folks ate Tripe.  And, I must be totally watered down cause if I went to Africa, I couldn’t click like those bitches.  lmao.  My best friend was Asian and adopted by a white family and she has SERIOUS issues because of it

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  48. Oh wow.  I lived with a Vietnamese for a year.  I wrote all about it on my most recent entry.  It was scary.  Chicken feet, scaly fish with eyeballs, and moldy food come to mind when I think of authentic Asian now.  (Vietnamese is considered Asian right?) 

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