absolutangel64

I used to think that having black hair and slanted eyes was enough to make me Asian, but then I actually went to Asia and discovered I was kind of wrong. Sure, having certain physical features was enough to get me through the door, but from a cultural standpoint my Asianness was pretty watered down compared to the residents of the Motherland.
 
 …Yes, I said “residents” instead of “Asians” because I know that citizenship is no longer limited by continental boundaries (say “yes!” to globalization!)–i.e., you don’t have to live in a certain place because of your race (say “yes!” to rhyming!). Only people who live in caves think otherwise…they also eat twigs and make friends with wall paintings.

Anyway, this epiphany got me thinking: if my Asianness is watered down, then there has to be someone whose Asianness is more concentrated (hmm…suddenly I feel like having some orange juice)…so what makes someone hardcore Asian? Besides never knowing that “99 Ranch Market” had a cereal aisle even though he or she had been buying groceries there for centuries. There has to be some common factors amongst the more-Asianness community, right?

I decided to snoop around my friends’ and relatives’ stuff do some very scientific research and found 10 things that make someone more Asian (I’m 100% sure there are more than 10 things, but I got really lazy…please feel free to make suggestions!). It doesn’t matter what your race is; you’ve got some Asian in you if you do any of these things:

1. There is a bag of dried shiitake mushrooms somewhere in your kitchen…most likely near a bag of tiny, dried shrimps.

2. You will never be seen buying a bag of rice that doesn’t weigh 20 pounds.

3. You can eat street food without ever getting explosive diarrhea (how I envy you).

4. Tea bags are for the weak! Your drink of choice is dried plant matter swimming in hot water.

5. It’s not “stomach lining;” it’s called “tripe.”

6. You are lactose intolerant.

7. You are a badass when it comes to eating fish and chicken: you chew from one side of your mouth while spitting out bones from the other.

8. You knew who Edison Chen was before he became famous for being an avid beaver photographer.

9. You know what “boba” really means—and it doesn’t have anything to do with brown tapioca balls.

10. Just because it smells like ass doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t eat it.