While I was going through my box of recycling papers to make sure I didn’t accidentally throw in an important document like my birth certificate or Social Security Card, I came across a really old essay I had helped proofread for a friend back in college. Ah…seeing it again stirred up a lot of emotions and made me remember an important lesson I learned so many years ago:
Never agree to help edit someone’s essay when the first sentence is this:
I wanna go to college cuz skewl is kewl.
OMG! What the f*ck is this?!?!?!
I really wish I could tell you that I made that sentence up, instead of having to admit it was actually the opening of an essay someone thought would get him accepted into a first-tier university. I don’t know…maybe he was hoping to impress schools with his enthusiasm for academics, or show how much he wanted to major in Retartalian…or maybe he was just dumb…like, really, really, really, really, really, really, really dumb.
And I was way dumber than he was because, even though I was sitting there wondering, “how the hell did this guy manage to make it through the education system with a shred of brain that barely had the capacity to construct a kindergarten-level sentence?” I agreed to help turn a steaming pile of sh*t into a golden doodoo nugget. I assumed that was what friends did for each other…and it helped that he was going to pay me $20 for my time.
So I sat there and read pages and pages of raggedy-ass writing, corrected the spelling and grammar errors, and made notes on which sentences needed to be revised and how. Then I e-mailed it back to my friend, and waited for him to send me a new draft after he made the changes–all while feeling like this:
Five minutes later, he sent me a new draft:
I want to go to college because school is cool.
And beneath that, perhaps as a bonus, I got paragraphs of stuff that looked like it had been a copy-and-paste of the school website’s “About Us” section. Better sentence structure: yes. Less of a piece of crap: no. So I sent it back with the comment:
It looks like you put in a lot of effort into researching the school! Incorporate why you want to attend with the information you found, because right now it just looks like a bunch of facts. Don’t forget the transition sentences! 🙂
I put in a 🙂 when what I really wanted to have was >:{}.
Two hours later, I got a response:
Can u write it 4 me i dun know how 2. thx.
And right after that:
my app is due tomorr.w
You know, I’ve been stuck at this part of my entry for a few days now because every time I read those two responses, I get super pissy and start saying all the things I wanted to say to him back then. Things like, “your dad is your brother, and your mom is your grandmother, right?” or, “someone with your intelligence wouldn’t even be able to get one of those Sally Struther degrees.”
But my snarky side wasn’t fully developed by then, so I kept my mouth shut and rewrote the damn thing. The school rejected his application, but I got my $20…the price of my dignity.
So say “no” to sh*tty prose!
absolutangel64 
I wrote my ex’s college essays (yes plural, meaning different ones for different schools) ..never again. but it got him into the marine school he’s in now, and he will be joining the marines once he finishes, so at least i got him far far away from me!
I would to., say no to writing it. And I don’t understand how someone doesn’t know to structure an essay, that indeed is pretty sad.
“I put in a 🙂 when what I really wanted to have was >:{}.”Makes me laugh every time I read it.
lol…wow that was her first sentence?! I bet she needed a lot of proof reading.
Damn…. did they get into any college?
haha, that shit was funny, such a good friend you are, that or you’d do anything for a few bucks, jk. I like your new pic btw
It’s pretty ironic that it got rejected, unless you purposely wrote something that was not impressive.
I would’ve just rewritten the whole thing in swooning prose about how ridiculously retarded this guy was and how they should just laugh and toss his application in the garbage.
$20 bucks? Thats it? Man, youre cheap labor. I would charge no less than 40. Naa, Ill charge 70. There are services out there that’ll write essays and papers for you…mean price of $100. Hey! Didnt you say youll receive 20 for proof reading but you got 20 for proof reading AND writinig the essay? You got jipped, my dear.
man, i think at that point i would’ve just asked for an advance and bailed
dang it he better be giving u 20 bucks and do ur laundry, clean ur room, wash ur car for 2 weeks.. he is epic fail dearie
I find that kind of writing to be seriously annoying. I’m not fond of writing with numbers and letters that are intended to replace full words. It makes me feel as though I’m holding a conversation with an idiot. A friend of mine at work does that a lot, too. When he speaks he sounds semi-intelligent. When he writes, it reads like he hasn’t graduated from Hooked on Phonics just yet. It annoys me to no end. But maybe that’s only an issue with people who like to write coherent sentences and use proper grammar, spelling, and words. XD
I think your time was worth more than $20.
I would have said no to writing his essay. And your dignity is worth more than $20
“Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do.”
If the dickhead wrote like that I can’t imagine his other credentials were much better. And I’m sure your dignity is worth more than 20 dollars these days. Maybe more like 100.
Wow! The last two responses would have made me sick to my stomach too. I’m glad he didn’t get in. Some people are just unbelievable!
Ughhh. Shoulda paid you like $50. ;D
omg.. that was like.. the most depressing story ever.</3
Heh, this reminds me of the situation I’m in now. I’m applying for a scholarship due on Tuesday and have to write three essays. Thank goodness I know how to spell but I’m still worried.Want to proofread my essays? Haha.
I’ve been there. Who’d expect that it would be incredibly exhausting trying to turn a someone else’s shit work into something that they’d never be able to regurgitate on their own.
that almost sounded like a tall tale
He didn’t get accepted into the school? Well [i]that[/i] was a shocker!
My good friend asked me to proofread his essay on why he wanted to go to the JET program in Japan (his GF was a bobura). One of his lines was, “I want to go to Japan to increase world peace.” After I read that line I tore up his essay and rewrote the whole thing myself. They’ve been married now for almost 8 years now. Imagine that!
Good think he got rejected! If he got in, he got in because of an essay you wrote for a measly $20. $20 for immortality being sold here!
I think spelling is one of my pet peeves. If you really don’t care enough about your education to learn how to spell correctly, then you don’t deserve to go to college. My ten year old son spells better than that, and he’s one of the texter generation!
You are a better person than I. I would have been tempted to crumple the essay up and stomp on it.
I’m a writing tutor. I basically do magic.
Twenty dollars… TWENTY DOLLARS?!Darling, you know I think you’re absolutely brilliant but I cannot believe you rewrote it that essay. No guy is cute or fuckable enough to write a college essay for. I’m still impressed you didn’t storm over to his place and beat him to death with a grammar book (an unabridged version) for asking you to write it because “he didn’t know how.” My BP just about shot through the roof when you added the part about the essay being due on the next day. Ugh, people.
Strongly and bravely spoken, friend. Keep up the good writing!!!!S.C.
Thoroughly enjoyed your entry!Or should I say “Thorolee njoyd yer ntree!”
There’s nothing more headache-inducing than having to read that raggedy-ass writing :O
I can’t believe it…I simply can’t believe…text grammar is actually used as ‘correct’ grammar? I was homeschooled, and you can bet your rear end that incorrect grammar was allowed in our house. Mom and I met a Russian man today, who was not a fluent English speaker, who told us that his current assignment in English class was to have a conversation with an English speaking person. For some reason, my mom began speaking in fragments. *Insert gestures where you think they might be inappropriate* “We live here…20 years…long time.” Meanwhile, I cringed inside, and tried to use the best grammar possible when speaking to him. When we left, I gave mom a lecture. Me:”What were you thinking? He is trying to learn correct English, and he said so. Why were you using incorrect grammar and sentence fragments?Mom: *Laugh* Oh, be quiet…who taught you that concept anyway? I was trying to be nice and help him understand
GAAAHHAHAH!!!!!! BAD GRAMMARISTS FEEL MY FEET IN YOUR TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!