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In a perfect world, all Big Macs would already have fries in between the buns, and my cats would enjoy taking baths; “Crystal Pepsi” would still exist, and Bahamut would be my mode of transportation. And no one would ever make stupid grammar mistakes–like using “your” and “you’re” interchangeably–because misusing words would be a crime punishable by death. Actually, you know what? That’s the only thing I’ll need in my perfect world, so forget all the other stuff before it.

Putting people on death row for having crappy language skills may seem harsh, but forcing those of us who have worked to attain and maintain our grammar and spelling is worse. What did we ever do to deserve the cruel and unusual punishment of living in a world where people screw up basic words and phrases? Nothing! And yet, we are expected to suffer in silence, with no opportunities for redemption, while certain members of society beat us to death with their nonsense words–a few prime examples being:

I Could Care Less

The phrase “I could care less” is used when someone wants to convey the idea that they really despise something or someone. Unfortunately for the speaker, “I could care less” is not the same as saying “I could not care less,” the difference being that the former has more Care Points than the latter. Thus, if you’re talking about how you hate clowns so much that you “could care less,” you’re basically saying you don’t hate clowns at all. At most, you dislike them because they are scary and make balloon animals that look more like folded dongs, but you definitely do not hate them because you have Care Points to spare.

Being able to tell the difference between “could care less” and “could not care less” is very important, especially when you are talking smack because that is when emphasizing your point really matters. For example: I hate that show “The Hills.” I’ve only managed to sit through one whole episode—which I will never, ever do again because I honestly believe watching that show kills brain cells. That is the only rational explanation for its popularity: killing brain cells enables a person to find “The Hills” entertaining. It definitely has nothing to do with an engaging storyline because all L.C. and her groupies seem to do is go out to restaurants and bars, and complain about how difficult their lives are as a result of going out to restaurants and bars. That’s a pretty weak premise even for a fake reality show. My turd could come up with something better, and it’s a freaking turd.

I do not care at all for “The Hills”—to the point where I could not care less. And if I ever find myself feeling otherwise—i.e., being able to care less—you have my permission to suffocate me in the armpit of that fat guy down in Mexico.

Irregardless

I know what you’re thinking: people don’t actually use “irregardless”! That’s just an urban legend! I can’t blame you for feeling this way for I, too, was once in denial. Back when I was a young and naïve 24 year old, I used to think it was common knowledge that the opposite of “regardless” was “regardful.” I mean, come on! The antonym of “less” is “full”! How is it possible for anyone to screw that up? Even when we’re living in a time where “The Hills” is a popular show, no one is that stupid.

Sadly, I was blinded by my faith in the human race and could not see the truth: there actually are people who are that stupid. These people use “irregardless” in place of “regardless,” and most likely say “regardless” in place of “regardful” or “regarding.” Can you imagine how annoying it would be to talk to someone like that?

“Regardless of my stank body odor, I can’t get a date even if my life depended on it.”

Tell me how that makes sense! Tell me!

Literally

I was reading an article that talked about how this year, children are asking Santa Claus to bring jobs and help their parents pay the bills. One of the mall Santas mentioned how hard it was for him to see young kids worrying about the economy, “I’ve had children just literally tear my heart out.”

Literally-Rip-Santas-Heart-

Let’s get this out of the way: “literally” means “actually.” If you say something literally happened, you are saying it actually happened. So if Santa had children literally tear his heart out, then he should press charges!

It’s an emphasis thing, I know, but that’s not an excuse for crap-ass vocabulary. Ever heard of “figuratively”? I’m guessing the answer is “no” because otherwise people would be using it instead of misusing “literally.” And people who misuse “literally” should literally be beaten to death with rubber hoses.

Stop manipulating words to make up for your weak language skills! It’s disgusting!

195 thoughts on “”

  3. i don’t even know where to start…that would make a nice value meal for sure:  fries IN the big mac, and crystal pepsi.  mmmm.i literally couldn’t care less about clowns.  i will never grow out of that.

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  5. Obama should appoint you as the “Grammar Czar” to ensure the proper use of phrases and spelling. That said, I would LOVE to hear someone say the following= “I was figuratively in tears!” To answer your question regarding:“Regardless of my stank body odor, I can’t get a date even if my life depended on it.”Tell me how that makes sense! Tell me!Well, here’s one scenario where it makes perfect sense- you’re assuming that body odor is seen as a negative, but what if it’s not? This person could have developed a strong attraction for a childhood icon we are all familiar with…Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Since he resides in a garbage can, what we call “stank” can be considered his “aromatic fragrance”. Now if this person were trying to score a date from an “Oscar” type of garbage dweller, that statement works just fine. Also, regarding:One of the mall Santas talked about how hard it wasfor him to see young kids worrying about the economy, “I’ve hadchildren just literally tear my heart out.”Now it may sound like he has committed a verbal faux pas, but once again we have to consider the circumstances under which that statement came from.If could be that this Santa was challenging the kids who sat on his lap to a video game of Mortal Kombat where if the kid beat Santa, he would grant them their wish. Now the kids are so desperate to win because of the plight of their parents, that they not only whup Santa but good, they perform one of those special “fatality” moves to drive the point home. In this case, it would be the “tear the heart out” fatality. One of the other Santa’s may have been quoted as saying they literally had their spine removed….it all depends on the special moves the kids memorized. See, if you think of it that way, it’s much easier on your blood pressure.

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  6. p/s.: using the word “really” as an adjective to highlight what they are expressing or to convey where something ranks on their measuring stick.i.e.: “the food turned out to be REALLY good!”as opposed to what? not good? or fictional good?  and how good is “really good”? the world, including the tootise pop owl, will never know. *Shrug.

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  13. i feel like when dating someone, their inability to choose the right there/their/they’re and your/you’re is a dealbreaker.  or when people spell lose as loose.  lame.  yes.  i’m a hardass.  literally!  haha jk.

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  14. thank you, im terrible at grammar and word choices.  you should blog more on these kind of stuff.  Now please explain, when to use “everybody”, “every body”, “everyone”, “every one”, “anything”, “any thing”, etc.

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  16. Amen! My family thinks I’m the grammar Nazi because I correct them when they say good instead of well (ie “I was dancing really good.”) but I can’t handle how uneducated that makes them sound. They also misuse the word borrow, which makes me want to vomit (for some reason “it’s a Minnesota thing,” at least with my parents’ generation, to say “he borrowed me his book.” *vomits*

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  22. RYC: (From Merriam-Webster) – Irregardless originated in dialectal American speech in theearly 20th century. Its fairly widespread use in speech called it tothe attention of usage commentators as early as 1927. The mostfrequently repeated remark about it is that “there is no such word.”There is such a word, however. It is still used primarily in speech,although it can be found from time to time in edited prose. Itsreputation has not risen over the years, and it is still a long wayfrom general acceptance. Use regardless instead.I’m still laughing. That’s the most unsure description ever.

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  33. Oh don’t get me started.  Effect and affect – one’s a noun, the other a verb.  Come on people, it’s not that difficult.  Unless you’re dyslexic, then you’re excused.Other examples that piss me off:- the misuse of whom and who- “Me and John went to the shops” – ugh, cringe!- And yes someone’s already mentioned this before: “Would of, should of, could of.”– double cringe!I enjoy reading your blog.  Keep up the good work!

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  34. but f Santa said “I had kids figuratively tear my hear out” that doesn’t sound very exciting…LOL but I loved the picture and the little red blood cells flying out is awesome! 

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  41. Awesome post.  Irregardless, I’m am going to rec it.  I could care less if I’m the only one who literally died laughing.   LOL  *gets ready to be beaten to death with rubber hoses*

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  44. Actually… “I could care less” can be correct if used in a sarcastic context.Irregardless… hahahahaha, pretty much screams out “we don’t need no education”– LITERALLY!**imagines the word irregardless screaming that….** WOW WHAT A FUNNY WORLD!I agree that some peopleeeeeeeee could use some help with grammar, but I can’t say because I am horrible at writing.Your xanga site really hate me… Your comment box seem to have a mind of its own.

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  45. Burn me and sink me but ye be very concarned with grammar an’ such. I’ll choke tha life outta yer pitiful carcass wif my bare hands and I mean it literally.-Mad Preston Skaggs

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  46. hahahaha….. I love reading replies in which people fail to write something meaningful. Like mine…. hahaha… Allow me to farther butcher hour English grammatical system. ^____^

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  48. I hear almost everyone saying “I could care less,” and I often feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and shaking them as I yell it’s “I couldn’t care less!!”………….lmao

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