In a perfect world, all Big Macs would already have fries in between the buns, and my cats would enjoy taking baths; “Crystal Pepsi” would still exist, and Bahamut would be my mode of transportation. And no one would ever make stupid grammar mistakes–like using “your” and “you’re” interchangeably–because misusing words would be a crime punishable by death. Actually, you know what? That’s the only thing I’ll need in my perfect world, so forget all the other stuff before it.
Putting people on death row for having crappy language skills may seem harsh, but forcing those of us who have worked to attain and maintain our grammar and spelling is worse. What did we ever do to deserve the cruel and unusual punishment of living in a world where people screw up basic words and phrases? Nothing! And yet, we are expected to suffer in silence, with no opportunities for redemption, while certain members of society beat us to death with their nonsense words–a few prime examples being:
I Could Care Less
The phrase “I could care less” is used when someone wants to convey the idea that they really despise something or someone. Unfortunately for the speaker, “I could care less” is not the same as saying “I could not care less,” the difference being that the former has more Care Points than the latter. Thus, if you’re talking about how you hate clowns so much that you “could care less,” you’re basically saying you don’t hate clowns at all. At most, you dislike them because they are scary and make balloon animals that look more like folded dongs, but you definitely do not hate them because you have Care Points to spare.
Being able to tell the difference between “could care less” and “could not care less” is very important, especially when you are talking smack because that is when emphasizing your point really matters. For example: I hate that show “The Hills.” I’ve only managed to sit through one whole episode—which I will never, ever do again because I honestly believe watching that show kills brain cells. That is the only rational explanation for its popularity: killing brain cells enables a person to find “The Hills” entertaining. It definitely has nothing to do with an engaging storyline because all L.C. and her groupies seem to do is go out to restaurants and bars, and complain about how difficult their lives are as a result of going out to restaurants and bars. That’s a pretty weak premise even for a fake reality show. My turd could come up with something better, and it’s a freaking turd.
I do not care at all for “The Hills”—to the point where I could not care less. And if I ever find myself feeling otherwise—i.e., being able to care less—you have my permission to suffocate me in the armpit of that fat guy down in Mexico.
Irregardless
I know what you’re thinking: people don’t actually use “irregardless”! That’s just an urban legend! I can’t blame you for feeling this way for I, too, was once in denial. Back when I was a young and naïve 24 year old, I used to think it was common knowledge that the opposite of “regardless” was “regardful.” I mean, come on! The antonym of “less” is “full”! How is it possible for anyone to screw that up? Even when we’re living in a time where “The Hills” is a popular show, no one is that stupid.
Sadly, I was blinded by my faith in the human race and could not see the truth: there actually are people who are that stupid. These people use “irregardless” in place of “regardless,” and most likely say “regardless” in place of “regardful” or “regarding.” Can you imagine how annoying it would be to talk to someone like that?
“Regardless of my stank body odor, I can’t get a date even if my life depended on it.”
Tell me how that makes sense! Tell me!
Literally
I was reading an article that talked about how this year, children are asking Santa Claus to bring jobs and help their parents pay the bills. One of the mall Santas mentioned how hard it was for him to see young kids worrying about the economy, “I’ve had children just literally tear my heart out.”
Let’s get this out of the way: “literally” means “actually.” If you say something literally happened, you are saying it actually happened. So if Santa had children literally tear his heart out, then he should press charges!
It’s an emphasis thing, I know, but that’s not an excuse for crap-ass vocabulary. Ever heard of “figuratively”? I’m guessing the answer is “no” because otherwise people would be using it instead of misusing “literally.” And people who misuse “literally” should literally be beaten to death with rubber hoses.
Stop manipulating words to make up for your weak language skills! It’s disgusting!
absolutangel64 
The “I could care less” thing has always bothered me.
I will join you in this perfect world of yours…as long as there’s Crystal Pepsi as well.My friend and I were talking about this the other day, and she brought up the could care less point, as well. I don’t use it, but I hadn’t ever given it any thought, either. Except for maybe one time when I was drunk and I realized all the absurdities of this world.Spelling is the absolute worst for me, though. It makes me insane when people spell really relly or rely or rily or whatever the hell they can come up with. I have people at work call my name and say a word, and I already know they want me to spell it for them. (We work in the email department so most of our communication with customers is via email). And I’m thinking that even some of our canned responses (which I changed everytime) would have perfect spelling and grammar, BUT THEY DON’T!!!! Canceled is a frequent one…which is only correct in England…not the US. And they like finishing a sentence and then beginning the next one with “However,” Um…I learned in freaking HIGH SCHOOL that “however” is an interruptor and only belongs in the MIDDLE of the sentence, not the beginning.And in many Stephen King books (I love the man, he is a genius, but I just don’t UNDERSTAND this phrase…and I totally believe it fits with your “I could care less” stance) when they’re talking about how something is the only thing that happened, he types out how something “all but” happened. If everything happened except for that one thing that he’s trying to say is the ONLY thing that happened, then maybe he should just take out “all but” and it would be correct. I can’t explain this one correctly without having something as an example. I shall google it….no help there, for all the things I found were using it correctly, in my eyes.Let me try this:When a character is explaining about how they got hit by a car, Stephen King would write, “He all but hit me.” Well, I’m thinking if the character is hit by a car, that’s the ONLY thing that happened to her. If I took this phrase literally, it sounds like he took her out to eat, raped her, attempted to kill her, bought her things, introduced her to his family, etc….EVERYTHING except for hitting her. And this just doesn’t make sense to me, when the only thing this particular person did to her was hit her.Does that even make sense to anyone?Anyhoo…this was a lot longer than expected but using proper English is a HUGE pet peeve of mine (along with lol). I’m so recommending…
@hopelessromantic@datingish – Oh I hate that too. “Can you borrow me a pen?” My response, “No, YOU’RE borrowing the pen…I can LEND it to you, though!”
The grammar police has struck again!
I’m guilty. =[haha.. have you passed your Bahamut driving test yet?
i don’t recall if i ever got to taste crystal pepsi. it was so popular that it was never in stock at the vending machine at school. i think some people were even scalping it if they got their hands on it.
This has to be the funniest thing I’ve read all day! Great post!
AMEN TO THAT!
Oh my God. I absolutely hate it when people say “I could care less.”I went on a mini-rant about it yesterday. haha
Oooh i completely agree with you on all points! Language really fascinates me and English and French were always my best and favourite subjects. As a result, it it’s extremely irritating to me when someone uses improper grammar. I used to correct my parents all the time (they are from Europe and English is not their first language so, even though they’ve been speaking it for over 30 years, they still make many mistakes they aren’t aware of) and my mother would always yell at me and tell me it’s rude to correct people. So, does that mean we should allow people to continue using poor grammar in order to be polite? I THINK NOT! I especially hate when people use bad grammar and improper punctuation on the internet, especially in blogs. It just makes things really painful to read (for me, at least)! Also, i had no idea that so many people misuse the word “literally”. I always thought it was a pretty self-explanatory term. The human race never ceases to amaze me.
Fantastic. Thank you for making my day happy, although I literally could care less that people talk poorly!
I like your perfect world xDmhmm fries
i love when people say : irregardless . haha it drives me nuts .
@PoetMcChick – I totally agree with you on the “all but” thing. It totally does not make sense. It’s pretty sad since (if i remember correctly) Stephen King was an English major in college. There are lots of things he does in his books that annoy me. I own most of his novels, as my mother insisted on buying them for me for birthdays and holidays, but have only managed to get through 5 or 6 completely. It amazes me that he can get away with that stuff. He must have an idiot for an editor…or on editor who really doesn’t care. *sigh*
Love it. Thank you for bashing “the Hills” in the process of sending a very important message =)
Ugh. This reminds me of how my friend constantly misuses the word “ambiguous”. “My hair is ambiguous! The weather is ambiguous! Blah, blah, blah!”I literally want to strangle her.
my roommate uses “irregardless” frequently and actually thinks it’s a real word. *cringe*
I wish my world is perfect
People at my school spell “the” as “tha.” It pains me to see some papers students have written. OH, this was great, some girl in my class wanted to use “finna” as a word because I guess it meant “going to.” >___> What the hell? She was SO confident that it was a word, she started an argument with the teacher and 5 other students around her and she refused to change it because “it was right!” Seriously… there MUST be a divine God out there that has the ability to stop the bodily functions of these people that can’t talk or write properly. ;____; She was trying to start a fight with an ENGLISH TEACHER. BRAINDEAD?!
“Irregardless” has been figuratively stabbing both my ears and my heart for ages.I’ve been aching to write or read this very entry.
“Regardless of my stank body odor, I can’t get a date even if my life depended on it.” Does that not mean that the stank body oder is not the only reason, or the deciding factor as to why the subject can’t get a date? For example, you could’ve said, “Even if my body didn’t stink, I couldn’t get a date…” I definately take your point, and support it in full as spelling and grammar errors really upset me. If only I could get my own writing to the point of perfection yours has reached! My most common spelling mistakes are “deffinately” and “reguardless”.
I wonder what kind of grammatical mishaps other languages have to deal with (I know. I ended this sentence with “with.”). I hear too much about the English one. 😛
hallelujah for the grammar spanking of the hands!
i agree with you on the grammar thing. 🙂 however, i don’t think we should put full blame onto those that may have not had an opportunity to enhance their grammar/spelling. it’d be a good thing if ALL of us were on the same page when it came to grammar and spelling. unfortunately, it won’t be happening any time soon.good post~!!!
Gah! The, “I could care less” thing always bothered me. I’m not the only one!When I pointed that out, everyone I knew went, “Huh?”
OMG….thank you….thank you; you’ve just made life on this planet a little easier to take!Those are all misused words and phrases which challenge my sanity and threadbare patience each time I hear them uttered. *little tear of gratitude*
I absolutely agree. The mass confusion between your/you’re is infuriating… Contractions were taught in what, third grade?I love reading this type of blog. Thanks for brightening my day through your rants. 🙂
have you ever heard anyone mistake the word ‘supposedly’ for ‘supposively’oh good god, it kills me….literally 😉
Oh, come on! Were is your wait you’re sence of fun
bahamut. great reference.
hahahaha nice!
Holy cow, I love this post. Those are my three biggest pet peeves. Wow. You read my mind :0) :0) :0) You ROCK!!
Believe it or not, I once saw that “I could care less” written in a PUBLISHED book. I had to read it five times to actually confirm what I had just seen. -sigh-
Well said.
@LoveLess_AndHappy – I know my little cousin’s teachers are NOT gung-ho on making sure they’re spelling/saying/meaning anything correctly. Those kids, if I were their english teacher (and I am NOT qualified to be one, but still…) would get a harsh dose of reality. I think that in kindergarten and first grade it’s okay to allow and correct it without marking them down, but seeing as one is in high school and the other is in 4th grade, they SHOULD be corrected AND marked down. Bye bye, A-students! And finna is frequently used by mostly African-Americans. “Finna” is to “fixing to”as gonna” is to “going to.” They all mean the same thing.@dirtywhirlwind – I correct my uncle on that one a lot. He says supposably or supposively, when it is SUPPOSED to be supposedly. Another one that reminds me of that is “should of,” like, “you should of done that instead.” NO NO NO…of is not a verb. HAVE is the appropriate word, even though it sounds like “should of” is being said. And, in fact, what is really being said is “should’ve” not “should of.”
You are the wisest person I have ever encountered. You should team-teach my English class with me…
Hah. I love you.
Hmm… the mentioning of a Big Mac is what drew me to this post. Once you said forget about it, you lost me. ;p
agreed
“…forcing those of us who have worked to attain and maintain our grammar and spelling is worse.” Eh? =P
I think I love you.
LOL I love how this drives you crazy..love it! I feel the same…to a less degree perhaps (but yes i COULD care less). REGARDLESS, more people should read this post and stop being half illiterate.
as a fellow writer, i often find glaring grammatical mistakes in people’s writing… and it often irks me that someone who is supposed to be educated can’t seem to put words together to form coherent thoughts…instead i say things like:oh sorry, i put the wrong em-fassis on the wrong sil-labbelgrammatically correct people usually catch the fact i’m being a smart ass… love this…
:claps:
This is great.
I hate when people have grammatically incorrect facebook stati.
This was a good post… it always makes me feel better when other people rant about spelling and grammar. I’m not sure I’ve ever used “irregardless”. And I can’t believe someone misused literally that way. I mean… really? Seriously??My biggest grammar beef is, as you mentioned, using your and you’re interchangably, and also when people apostrophe plurals. As in, “Boy, that’s a lot of cat’s!” Even typing that phrase out hurt me. Ouch.
ever since i was little, i always wondered why people said they ‘could care less’ when what they really meant was they COULDNT care less.ahah.=]
Yes, it’s very annoying when people have bad grammar and incorret spelling but so what?
Nice. “Irregardless” has been thrown excessively by my staff lately… intentionally. Thanks to good ol’ “Family Guy.” Then they seem to love “All of the sudden.” Go figure.