In a perfect world, all Big Macs would already have fries in between the buns, and my cats would enjoy taking baths; “Crystal Pepsi” would still exist, and Bahamut would be my mode of transportation. And no one would ever make stupid grammar mistakes–like using “your” and “you’re” interchangeably–because misusing words would be a crime punishable by death. Actually, you know what? That’s the only thing I’ll need in my perfect world, so forget all the other stuff before it.
Putting people on death row for having crappy language skills may seem harsh, but forcing those of us who have worked to attain and maintain our grammar and spelling is worse. What did we ever do to deserve the cruel and unusual punishment of living in a world where people screw up basic words and phrases? Nothing! And yet, we are expected to suffer in silence, with no opportunities for redemption, while certain members of society beat us to death with their nonsense words–a few prime examples being:
I Could Care Less
The phrase “I could care less” is used when someone wants to convey the idea that they really despise something or someone. Unfortunately for the speaker, “I could care less” is not the same as saying “I could not care less,” the difference being that the former has more Care Points than the latter. Thus, if you’re talking about how you hate clowns so much that you “could care less,” you’re basically saying you don’t hate clowns at all. At most, you dislike them because they are scary and make balloon animals that look more like folded dongs, but you definitely do not hate them because you have Care Points to spare.
Being able to tell the difference between “could care less” and “could not care less” is very important, especially when you are talking smack because that is when emphasizing your point really matters. For example: I hate that show “The Hills.” I’ve only managed to sit through one whole episode—which I will never, ever do again because I honestly believe watching that show kills brain cells. That is the only rational explanation for its popularity: killing brain cells enables a person to find “The Hills” entertaining. It definitely has nothing to do with an engaging storyline because all L.C. and her groupies seem to do is go out to restaurants and bars, and complain about how difficult their lives are as a result of going out to restaurants and bars. That’s a pretty weak premise even for a fake reality show. My turd could come up with something better, and it’s a freaking turd.
I do not care at all for “The Hills”—to the point where I could not care less. And if I ever find myself feeling otherwise—i.e., being able to care less—you have my permission to suffocate me in the armpit of that fat guy down in Mexico.
Irregardless
I know what you’re thinking: people don’t actually use “irregardless”! That’s just an urban legend! I can’t blame you for feeling this way for I, too, was once in denial. Back when I was a young and naïve 24 year old, I used to think it was common knowledge that the opposite of “regardless” was “regardful.” I mean, come on! The antonym of “less” is “full”! How is it possible for anyone to screw that up? Even when we’re living in a time where “The Hills” is a popular show, no one is that stupid.
Sadly, I was blinded by my faith in the human race and could not see the truth: there actually are people who are that stupid. These people use “irregardless” in place of “regardless,” and most likely say “regardless” in place of “regardful” or “regarding.” Can you imagine how annoying it would be to talk to someone like that?
“Regardless of my stank body odor, I can’t get a date even if my life depended on it.”
Tell me how that makes sense! Tell me!
Literally
I was reading an article that talked about how this year, children are asking Santa Claus to bring jobs and help their parents pay the bills. One of the mall Santas mentioned how hard it was for him to see young kids worrying about the economy, “I’ve had children just literally tear my heart out.”
Let’s get this out of the way: “literally” means “actually.” If you say something literally happened, you are saying it actually happened. So if Santa had children literally tear his heart out, then he should press charges!
It’s an emphasis thing, I know, but that’s not an excuse for crap-ass vocabulary. Ever heard of “figuratively”? I’m guessing the answer is “no” because otherwise people would be using it instead of misusing “literally.” And people who misuse “literally” should literally be beaten to death with rubber hoses.
Stop manipulating words to make up for your weak language skills! It’s disgusting!
absolutangel64 
slang > english
I often try to correct the lunatics in my life who suddenly stop speaking proper English and start talking stupid. I have no sympathy for stupidity. I guess that explains why my friends don’t hang out with me anymore.
Nice blog… It always bothers me when people say ‘I could care less’. Annoying.
This has made my day. The moment I came out of the womb I was always puzzled by the “I could care less” phrase. I would say “I couldn’t care less” and people would look at me with guns pointed at me. You have solved my universe.
i admit, i watch the hills, but i still appreciate a good sense of humor. what you said–about EVERYTHING in this post–was hilarious and true.my perfect world would be the same. just more more addition: the word “alright” would be COMPLETELY removed. it’s “all right” people! all right is NOT one word. it doesn’t look cool, especially not in song lyrics that are supposed to be raw and poetic. i don’t care if it’s slang. it looks like a lazy second grader wrote it.
Genius! :DJust one thing: mostly when people say “I can care less”, I’d automatically think they’re being sarcastic. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me =
(sitting quietly with both hands over my mouth to avoid any egregious errors)
I strongly agree! Do tell me if you decide to create an anti-bad-grammar-movement! =P
So this is what, the forth time you’ve been featured? I pick my subscriptions well.
every time you write, you turn me on.
WOW every single one of these things gets on my nerves too.your so right (you’re)
I miss the crystal pepsi too! ):
i want to be part of this perfect world
Fries on the hamburger! Yes…Literally!
Bad instead of badly.Where/were(or we’re without the apostrophe in some cases).They’re/there/their.Good instead of well.I could go on forever. *cringe*
Challenge your beliefs.
I hate people who say “whatever” when they’re corrected; it makes me want to shove their face into a meat grinder.
I don’t mix “your” and “you’re” up, though I do know my grammar is pretty bad on occasion. I don’t get bothered when people have general grammar mistakes, as long as I can understand what they’re saying I’m okay. Because it’d be pointless to get bothered by something as futile as that.If the message gets across then all is well. I couldn’t care less if they think their heart was literally ripped out. Though I do wonder about that man.
oh gawd, dont even get me started on the people who say conversate. conversate is NOT A WORD, you DINGBAT. the word is converse. oh, how stupid people annoy me 😦
If we lived in a perfect world, you would not be typing out this entry. Then, I would not have been given this luxury of amusement.
oops i am victim of SOME of those mistakes…not realizing how bad they really were! *sigh*and Crystal Pepsi!! All my friends look at me crazy when I said something about Crystal Pepsi, I’m glad someone else remembers. I was beginning to think I made the whole thing up.
Me fail english? That’s unpossible.
first xanga post I’ve read in a very long time…..very entertaining, haha
Can there be like a warning level in your perfect world? Every time you make a mistake you get a 10% warning, and every day it goes down 1% and when you get to 100% you get the death penalty? But good post :] Proper grammar is pretty cool. I’m going to try to start using “figuratively” though more because Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics said so, though you did remind me. Here’s to hoping I didn’t make some foolish grammar mistake while typing this.
Oh! Holy Jesus!This was a very entertaining & enlightening post.
I only say literally but other than that I am pretty good on my catch phrases.
I hate people that say “brang” instead of “brought.” Also negative questions irks. I answer them correctly and confuse the person who asks.”Do you not have money?””Yes.””So you have money?””I answered your question. Yes I don’t have money.”
I was wondering, after reading this post, if you would marry me. Because this… this is just beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much.
May I be a part of this perfect world?
literally is actually literally actually literal. and if you actually literally actual the literal, the literally actual becomes..literal. ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? i must me illiterate.
i think people who correct grammar are just as annoying as people who don’t know proper grammar. you just cant win.
wow.that was awesome!half of the things you said were correcti never knew!:D
Agreed! Except… in the case of “I could care less”, sarcasm could save us all. If you choose to interpret every “I could care less” as a sarcastic comment, it would make perfect sense.
I thought this entry was going to be about hamburgers and french fries. I feel gyped, almost!But I love the entry regardless ………(is that right? Don’t punch me if it’s wrong.)*subscribed*
I recommend bringing a red pen with you where ever you may roam to fix the evil gramatical and spelling mistakes:)
What about “all of a sudden”? This word is used out of context as well. in a perfect world, politicians wouldn’t lie. In a perfect world, evil wouldn’t thrive to destroy the good. In a perfect world, money would be the servant of mankind instead of the master of mankind. In a perfect world, cictizens would abandon their apathy and start caring about inportant things agian. In a perfect world, Gorilas would talk and pigeons would sing. In a perfect world, creativity would be wanted and respected, instead of hated and mocked by small minded sheeple. In a perfect world, war would not exist and niether would the evil men who start war for a tidy profit on purpose. In a perfect world, you would be ten times more beautiful, although, you are already beautiful, extremely beautiful. Tight eyes you have.
I know what you mean!!
In a perfect world , there would be no mirrors … ’cause every girl would have a perfect guy to tell her that she looks beautiful !!! ❤
Oh, this was good.
FANTASTIC post! Ugh, the whole “could care less” and “could not care less” drove us absolutely batty throughout high school! “Hey have you seen-” “Blah blah blah I could care less.” “Couldn’t.” “what?” “You couldn’t, could not, care less.” *stares at us like we fell off of the fucking moon*
This is [literally] the best thing I’ve read on Xanga!You’re great! Bad grammar is my biggest pet peeve.
THANK YOU. ~applause~
Oh my, a heart literally torn out by children? Sounds painful. =D
Wow. I learned a lot with this post. May I live in your perfect world too? If ever it becomes real? I may not fit in now, but I will in the near future. 😀 lol. Great post!
Santa shouldn’t press charges if he had his heart ripped out. He should be honored! Human sacrifices are always so complainy… I’m sorry, that should be “prone to frequent fits of complaining.”I do agree with what you have to say, though.
What if people make mistakes due to poor education? =)The “I could care less” statement baffled me for the longest time. That’s how I’ve always heard it, but it just didn’t make sense!
You should join my grammar Nazi regime. We beat people with dictionaries.
Great post!!!
Your perfect world makes more sense then mine. My boyfriend corrects my grammar all the time, and I thank him for it. People won’t take you seriously if you don’t use proper grammar.Like at a job interview for example. If you apply in a respectful manner (and use correct grammar), you will most likely be considered for the job compared to someone coming in off the street who can’t keep up a simple conversation. Oh, and something that’s in my perfect world, when people use the word legit. I hate it! Stop being lazy and say legitimate. I actually heard a newscaster say legit the other day, it made me really sad.. It’s like how you feel when people use literally wrong.